To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

I couldn’t walk a breed like a bull terrier and OP might be the same. OP also said that her husband and step son wouldn’t do the bulk of the care for the dog. OP is right to say no.

Then surely the dog can go to a responsible foster, no? Because op has a lot on her plate supporting an abused child, whose father is out of the house long hours and two full days. The dog may be lovely and loving and caring when trained. We simply don’t know.

A quick google search would tell me all I needed to know about whether to take the dog on. And for me it’s a no. Bull terriers can suffer from sudden rage syndrome. See link below. This woman has over 20 years experience of working with bull terriers and states clearly there are some dogs, who following an episode simply cannot be rehabilitated. https://workingbullterrierskennel.wordpress.com/2024/10/18/bull-terrier-sudden-rage-syndrome/

I think the dog could be a good emotional regulator. It will do some of the work for you.

Bull breeds like Staffie, EBT or whatever are fine. They are clever, human oriented dogs and don't need hours of exercise. An adult dog will spend about 22-23 hours a day sleeping!
I assume the dog is still quite young, best approach would be to either contact a dog trainer or your local dog training club. They will help DSS with training and understanding the dogs needs.
I do think you really should give it a go. Make it clear what your expectations are, to both DH and DSS. At 14 your DSS is more than capable to understand the consequences if he & his dad are not meeting the dogs needs.

I understand that you don't want this animal in your home, dogs are hard work. So be clear on your expectations!
You need to see this issue as either being a hero by rescuing the dog or a villain by leaving it to an uncertain fate

Which is on the mother, not the OP.

Do any of you think social services would let this boy keep the dog if he was in care?
No way.

She has already gone above and beyond.

I’m not concerned about the dog. People are infinitely more important in my (admittedly minority) view.

The OP’s stepson has been fine without his dog so far, and having read the updates I would definitely not be taking that dog on.

I'm a cat person but can cope with dogs although admittedly it's not a breed I'd be keen on but in these circumstances I would. The child's had a hard time of his short life already.

However, set rules. He looks after it, walks it and it has to be properly trained and house trained. I appreciate that's probably going to cost if it's not trained already.

Have I missed something? The boy hasn’t seen his mother in person in 6 months. Presumably not seen the dog in that time either. It’s emotional blackmail pure and simple.

I agree with you OP. Dont take the dog in. You will end up being responsible for the dog. I say that as a dog owner, where everyone promised our staffy would be a shared responsibility and hes not. Hes solely mine and id never get another dog after him.

Your stepson is 14, so at an age where being out with friends is most important. If he heads off in 4 years to uni, is he taking his dog with him?

I do think if you said the breed in.your original post, majority of the answers would of been different, because mumsnet loves dogs but definitely not bull breeds.

Sounds as if the dog needs re homing somewhere far more suitable than a family home with several
children for everyone’s sake, and I’m saying that as a dog lover.

Is there anyway it could be rehomed and your DSS visit it? As mentioned a farm or somewhere, another relative where it gets training and one to one attention?

OP your DSS has already been through so much trauma and if the situation at his mum’s home was so bad, that dog will likely have been a source of comfort for him. The thought of it being given to what is basically a dog’s home would just add to his misery. I would put your own feelings aside, make it clear to both DSS and DH that the responsibility for the dog is with them, and let him have it.

I wouldn’t be taking an untrained terrier type dog into my home either. Your dh isn’t home enough to fully take on the dog and dss is a child who can’t fully take on the dog.

So it would come down on you, you have other younger children if I remember right whose needs also have to be taken into account not just Dss. He needs therapy not an untrained wild card of a dog.

At a push if I wanted a dog also I’d get a puppy from a known breeder who heath tests of a breed suitable for your home. But again only if you as the one who would be its man caregiver wanted one.

what’s op meant to do though when neither the dss or her husband are home? Ignore it? Lock it in a crate all day.

Or realistically what will happen is she will become the one feeding and walking it while making sure it doesn’t tear up the house. While they just fuss it and sleep with it.

Are you insinuating that ALL dog breeds are aggressive? Because that’s incredibly wrong of you.

the OP has stated she’d get get a dog on HER terms but her DSS cant have the one that’s been by his side through all his trauma trauma? How do you know a dog from an established breeder wouldn’t turn either? She’s obviously got issues with the breed of a dog, which is known to be a loving, affectionate family dog. She hasn’t stated the dog has previously shown any forms of aggression.

really gets my goat when people just assume this type of dog will be a nightmare. I had a Staffordshire bull terrier and a Rottweiler and they were the most loving dogs and NEVER caused any problems. Didn’t even bark at other small yapping dogs walking down the street. But the amount of people that would wet their pants and not come near me was unbelievable.

I've read the updates, I just formed a different opinion than you. I also do nearly all of the caring, mothering and parenting for multiple children while my husband works long hours. I don't think that makes me the decision maker for everything at home.

I get you @ThickOfThorns . A dog is a huge responsibility and you're likely to be the muggins who sees that.

But you lost me at:

If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.

If you are adamant about not taking on DSS' dog, it'll be euthanised or neglected. Hardly ethical.

Whether you like it or not, this dog exists as part of DSS' life, ad I suspect is an important emotional outlet for him. A dog's loyalty (we read it as love) is pretty unconditional, and it's an amazing emotional bond to have - to be the dog's person.

Let your DSS have that - he's been neglected & abused by his mother. He's suffered quite enough.

As a compromise, why not go over the details of care with your DH, and identify exactly what his obligations are. And make him stick to them.

One of the obligations of your DH might be to work out with his son about a schedule of walks. Your DSS should be told - by his father - that walking the dog once a day is non-negotiable, for example.

And that's great for you & your DH - walking is great exercise and it'll help your DSS regulate himself.

I would never have a dog, except if this was the situation. I remember leaving the second refuge as a teenager and my mum decided to let our dog stay in the foster home as she didn't want her anymore. It hurt so much

Your DSS is broken and it is his dog. In fact, given the abuse I suspect he would never have wanted his dog left with her. The moral source of the dog is not relevant at this point. It's absolutely right to set boundaries. It's absolutely right to make sure both your DH and DSS know that they must be kept to. But, please, let him have his dog. Dogs are therapy. He will have a friend. He will have responsibility. Dogs understand pain. You will.not regret the difference this will make to his life.

To also add, the dog was never bought for DSS. It was bought for the whole family, his mother has now morphed it into being ‘his dog’ through manipulation. Agree with the thin end of the wedge comments - she also has cats and rabbits, what happens when they are next to be manipulatively used for contact? Do I become an animal sanctuary?

Op I'd say no too.
I couldn't and wouldn't trust it.

If it was a wee fluffy poo thing then maybe but not a bull terrier. Just too unpredicible.

From OP’s responses it is very clear she is set on not having the dog. Which I think shows an inflexibility and unkindness, frankly, which the DSS will never forget. I have taken on all sorts of animals through having two sons, I wouldn’t have chosen them. But I appreciate my life isn’t annisland of clean perfection where I have chosen everything - it’s a family. Sirry, OP - you sound controlling and cold.

I'd hate to have a dog but in this circumstance I'd take the bloody thing, sorry OP 💐

your post really upset me.
I'm with your DH, please please don't take away your DSS dog

This... if you put your foot down, I would hope that dad picks his son and dog!

The dog obviously brings son so much joy, if children plead and beg its from desperation.

Let the boy keep his emotional support animal.

You're going to ruin your relationship with them all.

I am not a dog person at all but I do feel if at all possible your step son needs this dog. I would put very clear boundaries in place though. It is DH and DSS responsibility. They feed it, clean up etc. and they have to be around to watch it not you .this is about DSS not his mother.

How can the dad pick his son when OP is both paying for his son and doing ALL the childcare and rearing?🤔