To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

But he'll feel abused by you too, if you don't.

Would your DSS accept that the dog needs specialist care you can’t give it? Could you arrange to collect it with him and take it to a rescue centre? Could you then get a more manageable pet, such as a rag doll cat?

Nope, she very definitely was. She literally made an analogy trying to compare babies to dogs. A comparison between two things is how an analogy works.

Fortunately, feelings aren't facts, so if he does feel like that (and you have no idea how he will feel about the woman who is his mother figure who does all his caregiving and parenting off course) she still won't have abused him by doing the right thing.

This is one of those situations that involves a child that isn't about you.
You can possibly contact the breeder to ask what the dogs breeding is. But English bull terriers are reportedly not bad with children, and this is about a child who has had endless let downs and traumatic situations already.

I’m not a dog lover at all either and I’d absolutely hate to be put in this position, but I think you have to accept the dog coming to live with you unless there is a health issue eg you’re deathly allergic to dogs.

Your poor DSS has really been through it hasn’t he.

reasons 2 and 3 are irrelevant.

What I would make crystal clear to your DH and DSS tho is that you’re not going to be the default carer for the dog - they need to meet its needs and you’re not going to take on the responsibility. And live that boundary. Otherwise you’ll be making another post in 4 months complaining that you’ve been railroaded into taking on the dog and they’re leaving it all to you!

I didn't say she would have.

But the consequences are what matters.

The person who caused me medical trauma didn't mean to either. Trauma isn't an event. It is a response.

Of course none of us know 100% but from the information given by the OP, my opinion as a MH professional is that giving the child's dog away in this situation will have a long-lasting, likely lifelong effect on him.

If you say so. Not how I read it, and fortunately your opinion is not fact any more than mine is.

For all the reasons you've listed OP, please do not take the dog

That was me and another poster has helped clarify. I’m not a dog person. At all. Saying I only use ethical breeders is not in any way an ethical position once there is an already living dog that is under discussion. She’s basically saying sure that one can be put to sleep because it wasn’t born ‘ethically’.

and then she says ugh but it would remind me of the ex. Op, so would your dh and his child, that’s not a reason either.

Nonsense
It's the mother who is at fault here
I would never have a dog under any circumstances

On days when your DH is out all day he can drop the dog at daycare and pay for it. He can also pay for dog training classes.

It really has nothing to do with the mother. Stop making this decision about that- that's is toxic behaviour and really unfair to your DSS.

This is about your family and your DSS and what you can all manage. End of. You need to focus here on what is important and stop being in a competition/ war with this poor kid's mother.

Before you said bull terrier I was team take the dog, but I think that would swing it for me the other way.

I kind of know where you’re coming from @ThickOfThorns and I’m a dog lover. I’ve had 2 dogs that have been well trained with strong boundaries and tbh I would be very reluctant also to take on someone else’s problem dog that has been bought up to misbehave and be destructive, etc. No doubt the dog also has poor socialisation with other dogs, poor recall etc - a host of problems. Yes there are dog trainers but correcting bad behaviours takes time & patience ( & money) & it doesn’t sound like you are the perfect match this dog deserves.

It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for this dog to be rehomed to the Dogs Trust and matched to someone who has the time & mental energy to train them properly. Which doesn’t sound like you at the moment.

But - it’s also very hard for your stepson to lose access to the dog and to think of no longer having him in his life. If you can’t cope with the thought of having a dog, I would be thinking of whether you could offer your stepson a different pet to love. Could you cope with a kitten for example? Could be worth talking to him about this possibility. It sounds like he isn’t that bonded to the dog (if he didn’t talk about him for months) but he would benefit from having a pet of his own to love and help care for.

Ah, the appeal to authority logical fallacy. I am a mental health professional too, and I say you are completely, totally and utterly wrong. Dangerously so, in fact.

The boy does not NEED a dog, he wants the dog he has not seen for 6 months and barely mentioned lately. What he does need is the stability and caring home that the OP has already provided for him as she carries out his daily parenting and caregiving tasks for him and the other vulnerable children who also all have needs and wants.

It would be horrifically dangerous to dump a badly trained dog of an uncertain temperament and breed with vulnerable children. She does not have the time or the wish to add another huge burden to her already busy day. She does not have the skills and she is not a robot with endless energy to train such an animal.

And the boy is 14 with zero idea about the real life consequences the introduction of a chaotic, disruptive destroyer of possessions and badly behaved animal will cause in his currently stable and comfortable life.

It would be deeply unkind for the OP to agree to this disruption, to everyone involved and she also has rights and feelings of course and is not a slave to other people's wants.

It would be easy to be the feckless adult, just like his abusive mother, and agree on a whim to doing something she simply is not capable of doing and then it would become deeply upsetting when the inevitable chaotic fall out happens, arguments break out, a child is bitten, the dog destroys belongings and ruins their fragile peace and comfort.

It is caring, kind and adult for the OP to have stated firmly and from the outset that she simply cannot add this huge burden to her already busy life caring for her whole family.

This isn't relevant. Your comparison of babies to dogs was not useful or logical. It was a faulty analogy. So that's that.

I’m quite surprised to find myself very much in the minority here! Taking on a dog with young children is an enormous undertaking- if you adopt a dog from e.g. dog’s trust, they have very strict criteria to ensure the dog’s needs will be adequately met, and very few are suitable for homes with young children.
Even taking on a well-trained, docile dog from a family-friendly breed is an enormous undertaking, especially if you are a first time dog owner.
The likelihood is that this dog is going to take a lot of time and energy to train, and we don’t know whether OP’s circumstances are such that she can do this.
I think, OP, you and your husband need to be able to get to some common ground but his is clearly such an emotional response (understandably), you will have to be gentle.

I think that perhaps you could take the dog on a trial basis (e.g. one month) to see if it works for all of the family. Have strict criteria for success and an exit plan.
It may work better than you think, and it would be good to give it a go for you SS’s sake, but the dog staying is dependent on it working and if this objectively isn’t the case, it will need to be rehomed.

Best case - do you have any trusted, experienced friends who would take on the dog and SS could go and spend time with it?

Agree.

I've read the updates and agree that no untrained bull terrier should be living with small children. Your husband should be supporting you. The fact he is willing to put your younger kids at risk like this despite everything you have done for his son is the problem here.

Plus the Dogs Trust will find a good home for the dog. You can reassure your SS that the dog will have a better life now.

I feel for you. Initially it’s easy to react as many posters have on here and say he’s been through enough, don’t let him lose his dog.

I then read your updates, the fact he hasn’t really mentioned the dog for 6 months suggests he had moved on. The dog being untrained in a house with young children also isn’t a good mix and is potentially dangerous. The dog presumably hasn’t been around young children much as well so this could be a really bad mix for both dog and children.

The responsibility will also largely be yours by the sound of things and you don’t want it. It’s your house too, so you’re allowed to set a boundary and say you don’t want a dog destroying your property…

Team dog here also. You mention ethically sourced, it would be unethical to allow your stepsons dog to go into a dogs home. This poor dog needs a home, think of it as a rescue dog.

Say no. I wouldn’t want a bull terrier cross from a back yard breeder especially if I would have to be responsible for it. You have to be strong to walk them if they pull and what if it turned on you? Your husband and step son won’t look after the dog so it will be down to you.

I don’t envy you. Taking on a dog is absolutely huge when you have small children and taking on an untrained dog will almost certainly be too much for you if your heart isn’t in it.
But on the other hand, I know it would absolutely break my children’s heart if I gave our dog to dog’s trust: like you need to accept that this would be traumatic for your DSS.

I think getting him another pet would be ideal. Maybe going to dogs trust with him to see the dog’s there and gaining an understanding of how they will fit the dog with someone who meets the dog needs . Just approaching it with as much empathy and kindness that you can. And try and focus it on the fact that living with you would be wrong for the dog. Please don’t just dismiss that he isn’t bonded to the dog because he hasn’t talked about it. It’s not as simple as that,

a friend adopted a very badly behaved rescue dog and a year later after some serious training the dog is incredibly well behaved and very good company so it is possible.

I can see where you’re coming from but as someone who had a very difficult chapter of childhood made bearable by having a dog I’m kind of on team SS.

could you compromise by suggesting a new pet? 🫣 “no the dog is too much for us and we have little children in the house but could we get a rescue cat?” And this way SS has a furry buddy but once that is way less threatening and high maintenance.

good luck! Tough situation