To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

If it’s ‘just’ so easy, yoy take the dog.

That's a very good point.

Every one of the people abusing OP for being sensible, kind and fair and maintaining reasonable boundaries and a safe, stable home for the children she looks after most of the time can now send her a DM with their contact details.

They each know how easy it is to have a badly trained dog live in their home with vulnerable children. So they can offer OP the option of taking the dog. Problem solved :)

This would be a hard no from me.

The manipulation to make you take the dog will not end there.

The only person at fault is the SS mother.

If i was your DH i'd literally leave you for such cruelty.

That would be a blessing.

I agree.

This thread is crazy. The hurt this poor boy is feeling is caused by his mother. The op doesn't have to resolve or sort anything out. She's been pretty amazing at stabilising his life and is looking to keep it stabalised.

Taking in a dog will cause so many issues. Saying no to that is being the safe responsible adult that is needed.

You’ll love that dog in the end. They enrich your life and are way better than humans. Try it for 6 mths and see if he can oull
his weight looking after it.

This, you sound so mean!
Get off your high horse of "ethical sourcing" and bullshit reasons. Your DH is prepared to pay for and help look after the dog, just let him do it.
Not everything is about you.

Not a hope in hell her husband is going anywhere to make a point about a dog his son hasn't even seen for six months, a dog that has never lived with them.

OP is the carer, parent and mother figure for his son and for their other children, runs them around and does nearly all of the parental stuff for them and her husband works long hours including two days where's he's not home till 11 so he really does not get to to insist on the burden of a badly behaved dog being handed off to OP.

He'd be utterly bonkers to give all that up, it's just not going to happen.

I do think Op might get sick of being bullied and coerced by DH though if he doesn't support her in her reasonable and fair boundary setting.

Because she will be forever blamed by her husband and step son if the dog ends up in a rescue.

I suggest that you get some proper information on English bull terriers/ cross . Young children and an untrained BT is an absolute no.They are prone to various serious illnesses too.

Bloody hell, OP, do you even understand the magnitude of MN being almost entirely united that you are being unreasonable about this? Never have I seen the like where dogs are concerned.

Mumsnet is a discussion forum, it is not the fount of all wisdom. The prevailing view on a thread is not legally binding! And if the OP posts in a few months about this inadequately trained dog injuring one of the younger children, the consensus on Mumsnet will be 'that dog should never have been allowed into the house, you have failed as a parent'.

So you want to take away this poor child's one comfort that he has! His been through enough! Let him keep his dog don't be cruel 😡

Yeah Team Dog here too.

The dog is one more thing his Mother is using to emotionally abuse him, by refusing the dog, you are enabling that further.

If your relationship with his father is good and solid I do not see why you can't accept the dog, with conditions:

The dog sleeps in his room (therefore no waking you all up at night, no messes anywhere else).
The dog is walked twice daily.
Dog is taken to appropriate training classes/behaviourist visit (which his father and he pay for) and the training/behaviour modification plan is followed.
Dog isn't to be left home alone until any separation anxiety is overcome and the dog can be left without distress or destruction of property.

You can pitch this as reasonable steps every dog owner must take to ensure their dog is leading a healthy, happy life.

Then if in a few months time it becomes clear that kid/father are not able to or willing to make that happen, dog can be responsibly rehomed.

You sign up for this sort of shit when you start a relationship with someone who already has kids with someone else. If you don't want to make any compromises to help your partner meet his childs needs... you'd better prepare to leave!

I think it’s just a dog. This boy has been through hell. Even her buying him the dog which he would become attached to, and then him not being able to keep it, is a nasty thing to do.

The dog might give you some benefit also. It will be very beneficial to him. If you don’t want to be remembered as a horrible cow, welcome the dog with open arms. He won’t forgive you if you don’t and it’s really not as big a deal as you are making out in your post.

Very difficult situation, but I will never live with a dog and could not have one in my house.

This.

That would be incredibly traumatic for the dog (you don't just lob the dog outside, thats something you build up gradually over weeks/months), and almost certainly lead to behavioural problems, noise complaints and damage, unless you mean to build an contained kennel and run outside, which would avoid the damage aspect (but nothing else). An acceptable one would start at a couple of grand, more if its heated which some breeds would need.

Having read your posts OP, I am even more against this dog coming. You would be left doing everything. It’s just a way to make your life worse. The 14y isn’t as attached to the dog as the mum
is making out She is being devious and spiteful.

Some dog people lose their minds and the capacity for logical thought. We have already had the ‘dogs are better than people’ line spouted here.

I think you're being selfish. Your ss has been threw so much. If I was your husband. I'd keep the dog and get rid of you!

I’m so sorry that I’ve not read the full thread. I inherited a 14 year old in similar circs, except we were neither parent. She was very shut down and damaged. We had 2 dogs, and she liked them. After 6 weeks she asked if she could have a dog of her own. I said no, because 2 dogs is enough alongside a a sudden 14 year old . But then we thought about it. Did some research and discovered that a pet is incredibly healing for CPTSD, and trawled the rescues until she found her dog. We
lost him this year after 7 years. That little dude saved her life. We didn't want him but we loved him . She is thriving.
I don’t tell people what to do. You know your capacity and your limits. If you would resent the dog, or get rid because of the mess, it’s better to say no now. Dogs are hard work and so are teenagers. But it worked for us.

Indeed. The "magnitude" of a bunch of stepmother haters united in irrational, venomous abuse for the OP is not any indication of what normal people would say outside of this site.

Hitler was a pretty popular fellow too. Majority rules doesn't always make something fair, ethical or logical, and that especially goes for it mumhatersnet.

The comments are always the proof of the pudding, and there is not a single rational comment berating the OP that stands the test of logic, adult reasoning or fairness to anybody involved.

It is abundantly clear that many of these twits barely read the OPs comment before voting, let alone the updates.

One of them was comparing unwanted babies to dogs earlier. Shudder. She could not wrap her head around the reality that there is no analogy where dogs = babies that sensible, caring people would accept. And yep, I love dogs, I just don't pretend (or even worse actually believe) they're on a footing with babies.

Wow! Can you not read this child has already been through so much and then to get rid of his dog days far more about the OP! It sounds like she doesn’t want DSS to be happy and deep down she resents him living with them!

She wasn't.
She was saying that the OPs reason for not wanting a dog 'it was an unwanted one I'd want one from a reputable breeder ' was unethical.