To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

That is not a compromise

Do not presume to tell me what I mean. Nor anyone else, for that matter.

That pets are beneficial to traumatised young people isn't up for debate. The exact degree? Sure.

This isn't about getting a dog for this young person, it's returning HIS dog to him. Were it the former then the advice would be different as would the poll - MN simply isn't dog friendly.

Is this over & above what op is providing as a step mum? Yes it is. Is this an extraordinary situation? Very much so! Is it ideal? Absolutely not.

The bottom line is a young traumatised teen who was abused by his own mother, as such you do absolutely everything in your power to prevent him becoming more vulnerable & potentially a statistic. That's more than providing a roof, doing the school runs, cooking dinners - they are all basic things any parent or step parent should be doing, that doesn't warrant praise cos it's just parenting. This boy needs far far more.

I'm Team DSS all the damn way, don't dare suggest otherwise.

The dog slept on his bed. Try reading the thread.

I've had dogs too and dealt with a number of difficult dogs. I've also known a couple of English Bulls and they are not a breed for the faint hearted. Give me a GSD any day of the week. No rescue would rehome an EB in a house with young kids - they're not suitable.

Yes the DSS's mother could have abused the dog. But it's just as possible that the dog is destructive because of it's breed characteristics - they're difficult, obstinate dogs that are hard to train.

TBH, I think the best thing for the dog is for it to be rehomed with experienced owners who have some knowledge of the breed and who are capable of giving the dog the time, energy and attention it needs. And that doesn't appear to be the OP and her household.

https://www.universalbullterrierrescue.co.uk/team/sully

The UK EBT rescue rehomes their dogs with children.

Also, this dog is a crossbreed. We don't know what it is crossed with, but we do know that OP has said, as far as she is aware, the dog is not aggressive. It may have no typical EBT behavioural traits. It might be crossed with a chihuahua, or it might be crossed with a great dane and be the size of a small horse. Comparing it with dogs you've "known" (not lived with or trained) is pointless because this dog is not those dogs, and it is also not an EBT, it is a mongrel.

I have worked extensively with bull breeds, including EBTs, and I don't recognise most of what you are saying. EBTs are typically good with people, including children. Yes, they are stubborn, but that presents as not wanting to get off the sofa if the alternative offered is not to their liking, not eating a toddler's face because it felt like it. They are not as biddable as a typical Lab, but they are highly intelligent and quick to learn when training is kind and consistent. Regardless, all of that is moot because it is a crossbreed, not an EBT. For all we know it is 90% gerbil.

OP, you wrote, "This dog would also be a constant reminder of her".

Whoops, you showed your true colours concerning her son. He shares half her DNA, you must really hate him.

Sorry OP but you’re definitely BU. The boy has already been through enough, you can’t let him lose his dog too. If your husband puts his foot down and takes the dog what will you do? I’m assuming you married him knowing he had a child, did it not occur to you that potentially you’d have to have him live with you as part of your family at some point? The dog is his family so becomes yours too in this situation.

You never know, you might come to love the dog too!

Around young children?

Absolutely not.

YABVVU

A bull terrier cross could mean anything. It could also be a lab cross, a chihuahua cross, a beagle cross...

I have a rottweiler cross. Behaviourally, he is almost 100% Beagle, possibly slightly more biddable than a typical Beagle, and sheds enough to knit a brand new dog every day, but other than that, he is an overgrown Beagle.

Try to accept the dog. Set very strict boundaries.
If DSS is tardy in looking after his pet, it gets rehomed.

Seek very good advice on how to have an out door dog.
Insulated kennel, cage, often clean up area, how many walks per day etc.
Take dog for a thorough vet check and again each year. Keep up with all worming treatments, enroll DSS in obedience puppy school. Make a pact with DSS mother that she will look after dog when you are on holidays.

Team dog.

DSS mother wants to get rid of the dog. How would the OP be able to persuade her to enter into a pact?

This is a tough one. What do you think will happen to this dog if you refuse to take it? Although I agree,that it's awful for your DH's ex to put you in this situation, how much resentment would it cause between you and your partner/his son,if it was rehomed or,even worse, pts?
Is there any way that you can temporarily take the dog in, on the proviso that your DH and DSS take full responsibility for looking after it,and then see how it goes? After a month or 2,if it's not working out,it'll at least give you time to find the dog a good home, where your DSS can possibly stay in touch and receive updates,rather than just cutting all ties?

Points 2 and 3 (of original/first post) are simply about control, which is wildly unfair to your poor step son. You need to be the adult and put him first (the dog should stay).

It would be a traumatic experience he would never forget (or forgive) if the dog goees. Put yourself in his shoes.

And the mother is abusive, of course OP should not enter into chats with the abuser of her stepson, about anything, let alone pacts.

Sorry Team dog. I know it's not what you want to hear.

I have changed my mind too. An untrained, unknown and unreliable breed should not be around children. Perhaps some other kind of pet might work better?

Dog is separate from the ex. It’s own being. It can also be trained and taught not to go on furniture. Or just put a blanket on for it.
Dogs are destructive to furniture , chewing etc when they’re bored , neglected and unstimulated . Especially young dogs. You have a big house and rural , sounds perfect for the dog

Or just get a trustee dog / house sitter.

Team dog. Clearly you’re not a dog lover. My DC would be absolutely devastated to have their
dog taken to a dog rescue. At least find a family friend to take the dog if you’re adamant. I’d leave and take my son and the dog if I was the DH. Because I wouldn’t put my son through anymore trauma and i’d be pretty hurt my spouse was willing to do that to my child, so i’d be reevaluating everything.

RTFT, lots of people are saying ‘team dog’. They don’t give a shit about the OP, it’s all virtue signalling about the dog.

Why is it OP’s job to find a family member to take the dog?!

Seriously the expectations on step-mums are unreal.