To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

And could you imagine the condemnation if the post in a years time was...

We adopted an unsocialised, untrained, destructive, demanding bulldog with an unknown past and brought it into the house with our young children. It was a breed needing experienced owners but it was our first dog. I wasn't keen but DH insisted we rehome it. Now it's bitten one of the kids and my DH says it's all my fault for not supervising the dog properly.

They'd be telling her it was her fault for allowing the dog into the house in the first place, and calling her DH an arsehole.

Stick to your guns @ThickOfThorns I’ve been on the end of this myself and it was a total disaster - and that was with a DP who was around to look after the dog. The ex made things as bloody awkward as possible to get what suited her and stuff everyone else. Honestly, give an inch, you will end up giving miles and still be the baddie. She can’t control it because she hasn’t looked after it and now she’s thought of another way to make you the baddie.

And who will care for the dog on all those days DH isn't home from work until 11pm?

How will DH and DSS do the training they don't have time nor experience to do?

God, the hatred for stepmothers runs so very deep on this site 😂

Despite it being crystal clear that the OP does most if not all of the parenting and caring and mothering of the stepson and other younger and vulnerable children, despite her having the absolute moral and ethical right to refuse a demand from an abusive person to introduce a chaotic ongoing problem into her home, that would cause her harm and massively increase her workload, despite the fact that she is a good, decent person who has chosen the best, fairest, kindest and safest option and decided to say No to an unreasonable demand, still the wehatemumsnetters shit on her.

Who does the house belong to? If it's your house, and your partner moved in with you but you own it alone, I guess it's your house your rules. I still think I'd let the child have his dog though. But if it's your partners house, or shared, I don't think you can just say no.

Way to miss the point by a country mile.

I'm "soppy about dogs" and believe that having the dog would be a good thing for the kid. Incredibly good.

I'm "soppy about dogs" and acknowledge that it's a big problem to bring an untrained bull breed who is known to be destructive into a new household, especially one with small children, and the only member of the household who has any interest in dogs is a 14 year old.

Wrong. It's Team DS, not team dog - a very very important distinction. Many of us probably have some kind of experience with mental health/trauma & the value pets bring.

of course she can. She does nearly all the caring, mothering and parenting of her stepson and other vulnerable children. while her husband works long hours. Read the updates. She absolutely can ethically refuse this extra burden.

She really isn't out of order.

This isn't just a bloody labrador we're talking about. It's an English Bull terrier with potentially established problematic behaviour.

English Bulls are difficult dogs. They are stubborn, dominant, difficult to train, strong-willed and require experienced capable owners. They need to be properly trained from a very young age to ensure they have a good temperament and will tolerate discipline (eg. being told 'no', being sent to their beds, having things taken from them).

One of my vets refused to treat English Bulls because of their experiences with the breed. I've known individuals of this breed and they're not for the faint hearted.

And you're telling OP she's unreasonable to not let this difficult, badly behaved (and potentially dangerous) dog into her house with her young kids.

Firstly, I don’t believe untrained dogs should be discussed as therapy pets for anyone. Genuine therapy animals are trained and their temperaments are matched to their owner’s needs. The owner is also trained so they can responsibly look after the animal’s needs.

I would be very clear and state that if they want the dog it is contingent on it passing an intensive on-site training school so that it is no longer destructive or antisocial and so that it is crate trained. Advise DH & DSS that they must be willing to pay for it themselves and commit to being trained themselves about the dog’s diet, exercise, regular & emergency vet visits, vaccinations, medications, pet insurance, grooming, kennelling & continuing training needs. (You source the training school and are to receive regular communication from the school re dog’s progress and antisocial behaviours.) Explain that they are agreeing to take on all cleaning associated too… Daily wash of dog bowls, poo pick up and disposal, wee hosed away from grass, mopping of muddy footprints. daily vacuum of all floors and any furniture dog sits on. If you have wooden floors, the dog’s nails will scratch it, so specify that. Then get them both to sign a contract agreeing to this as well as covering the cost of any repairs or replacement of items damaged by the dog. Write a list with the breakdown of costs and include that too.

I bet DH might start to see that being responsible dog owners requires much more than a little inconvenience when you put it in writing.

Wrong, it's team dog, not team DS.

DS will continue to be abused by his mother, has not seen the dog in six months and has no idea of the reality that a badly behaved chaotic dog will ruin the functionality of the safe, stable environment that his stepmother works hard to provide, while performing nearly all parenting and mothering duties for both him and other younger, vulnerable children, while her husband works long hours.

He wants the dog (which he has not seen for six months or talked about recently either) he does not NEED the dog. He needs the Op to continue being the decent, kind, reliable, loving mother figure she has been and for his stable home environment to continue

OP cannot take on this extra burden and has, quite correctly, been upfront about refusing it. That is the kind, rational and adult thing to do.

OP is team DS and team family. You are team dog.

If you wanted to try and make it work you’d find a way. The resentment both your DH and DSS will feel ever more cannot be underestimated.

Btw, the dog’s destructive behaviour may be indicative of the DM abusing it too. If she has a history of abusing a human, it’s pretty safe to assume she’s going to pick on an easier target. The trainers might assess the dog and make it clear that it’s not appropriate to house it with little kids.

I'm with your husband he needs that dog with him. Who knows how his mother has been treating the dog while your DSS hasn't been there. If she has abused him she would have abused the poor dog as well. I am sure he has been worried about his dog while living with you. But they come as a package.

No, they don't. He has not seen the dog in six months, his abusive mother bought it, not OP, they very much do not come as a package.

Team DSS and dog.
Have a heart.

It could also be indicative of the dog being and English Bull that has not been trained properly.

Do you know anything about English Bulls? About their difficult temperament? About how they are hard to train? About how they can be a problematic breed?

And TBH, knowing a bit about English Bulls, I wouldn't let one into my house if it had been abused and I had young kids like OP does. Because that is asking for trouble.

If OP wanted to try to become a doormat with no feelings she would take on this extra burden on top of being the main caregiver for several vulnerable children, this chaotic burden that she has firmly and fairly stated she does not want to take on, and become a willing slave who exists only for the wants of others, while completely ignoring her own rights and boundaries.

Fixed your comment for you.

You are team dog, not team DS.

DS will continue to be abused by his mother, has not seen the dog in six months and has no idea of the reality that a badly behaved chaotic dog will ruin the functionality of the safe, stable environment that his stepmother works hard to provide, while performing nearly all parenting and mothering duties for both him and other younger, vulnerable children, while her husband works long hours.

He wants the dog (which he has not seen for six months or talked about recently either) he does not NEED the dog. He needs the Op to continue being the decent, kind, reliable, loving mother figure she has been and for his stable home environment to continue.

OP cannot take on this extra burden and has, quite correctly, been upfront about refusing it. That is the kind, rational and adult thing to do.

OP is team DS and team family. You are team dog.

Except OP is not team DSS. Her main reasons for not wanting the dog remain to be spiting the BIO mum, and it is not a breed she would choose. That's not team DSS, that is team OP.

She hasn't mentioned her DSS's feelings or well-being at all when stating her reasons for not wanting the dog.

The wellbeing of the child must take priority, he has been through hell and to separate him from his dog is cruel. It's unfortunate there's an element of manipulation by his mother but the adults have to step up and deal with it.

I'm not a dog person, never had one and don't want one in the house, but in this scenario I'd do whatever it took to reunite the boy and his dog, it's part of his family.

If, on vet's advice, the dog can't be homed safely with the OP then at least try to find an alternative where the boy can have contact.

@ThorsRaven I don’t specifically know about English Bulldogs, but I do know dogs. I’ve always had them. (GSD’s, Leonbergers, Blue Heelers). I wouldn’t risk having ANY abused dogs around little kids. Way too risky. If you had read my post above, you would see that I have explained myself very clearly, that I think this is far too big a task for OP to consider taking on and broken down time and cost of training this dog as well as the daily upkeep.

Except her main reason for not wanting the chaotic badly trained dog in is that she doesn't want it to destroy belongings (as it is known to do) cannot leave it alone with her vulnerable children as it would insanely unsafe, and already does nearly all the parenting and caregiving so has no time at all to train a badly behaved chaotic dog, even if she wanted to.

Also, people are reading this as being DSS’s dog. He’s met it once. The dog has met HIM once. That is absolutely not the same thing as being DSS’s dog. He probably knows the dogs in the street better than this particular dog. He is also 14 and unlikely to be living at home for many more years. Will he be willing to take the dog to uni with him? Have the time & money to look after it? Will he want to sacrifice his increasing freedom and social life because he has a canine responsibility? Someone who has met this dog exactly once has absolutely no idea what’s involved in looking after it, and is unlikely to want to commit to this.