To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

I get why you don't want the dog, it would undoubtedly be a big inconvenience and its not fair for that to land on you when its not your choice. I also think there is a real risk that your DSS won't forgive you for a long time if the dog ends up being rehomed, and it sounds like the poor kid has already been through a lot.

Good luck making the decision as either way I think there will be a negative impact on you unfortunately.

If your DSS stopped mentioning the dog previously do you think that's because he forgot about them or was it more that he was still sad but accepted there was nothing he could do about it? Makes a difference to how he's likely to react long term if you decide it's a no.

You seem to have already made up your mind before you posted and have strengthened your resolve.

If she's as awful as she sounds, I don't trust her to safely get the dog to DT. She'll find a way to make a quick buck out of selling him on Gumtree or whatever, and he is at high risk of ending up in the hands of a dogfighting ring. Or she'd have him euthanised (or straight up just killed) to get at you all. With all this in mind, would you be willing to take the dog from her and take him to DT yourself? I'm probably living in cloud cuckoo land but perhaps you'd be able to do it without SS ever getting the impression that dog is coming to live with you?

In terms of outcomes for the dog, if he isn't gettting through your door the next best outcome for him is DT.

It is a destructive, unsocialised, untrained bull breed and she has young children in her house.

English Bull cross that's already showing problematic behaviour?

No. Definitely don't take it. Especially from a dodgy breeder, and when you have no idea what it's crossed with.

I've known a couple of English Bulls and although they were OK in the house with anyone who had been let in, you had to be VERY careful with them both around other dogs - one had to be kept on the lead at all times when out of the garden. Their gardens had to be very secure, and exercising them was a nightmare TBH.

One of my vets refused to treat English Bulls at all, because of his experiences with them. Yes we all know that the dogs are the way they are because of the owners - but unfortunately a certain type of people tend to get bulldogs of various types.

English Bulls are stubborn, strong willed, and require constant consistent training. They can't be left alone for long; can be hard to train and dominant; and need correct early socialisation (which this one clearly hasn't had). They're not a dog for inexperienced owners.

TBH, I've had my own dogs, known English Bulls personally, and I wouldn't take on this dog - it's of unknown age, unknown temperament, unknown background and it's already showing problematic behaviour. It's not a breed for the inexperienced, and definitely not a breed for a reluctant owner.

It sounds like OP and her household are not in a position to meet the needs of this dog - they don't have the time, experience or ability to deal with it.

Taking on a dog like this, when you know you are not capable of meeting it's needs is a folly, and will do more harm than good to the dog. Because if you can't meet the dogs needs, then it's not going to be a successful rehoming - and that will mean the dog ends up needing to be rehomed again. Being shunted from one home to another, is not good the dog - it'd be in the dogs best interest to be rehomed correctly the first time with experienced owners who understand the breed and are capable of meeting it's needs. And that's clearly not the OP.

Never ever thought I’d have a dog, eventually in desperation got one to see if it would help teen mental health. It was the turning point and added so much to our lives. If it stands a good chance of making living with a traumatised teen easier rather than harder, maybe you could get him a different easier dog if the current one is very difficult.

The people in team dog are not concerned about the best interests of the OP & her step-son. They are just people who are soppy about dogs.

I am with you OP

Yes, your DSS would like to have his DDog, however it is your home too and you should not be forced to share it with an animal you don’t want.

If the ex cannot cope with the dog then why would you be able to ? Whatever the dog is doing now is will keep doing unless you have the skills and patience to retrain it.

Perhaps your DSS and DH will take care of the dog but (and I’m sorry for generalising) you know how it goes.

Because it is a destructive, unsocialised, untrained bull breed and she has young children in her house?

It is now, after a lot of the responses didn't go her way. Funny, you'd think that would be the first things you'd mention, but originally the biggest problem was the breeder and the boundaries. ..

Nope. I don't even like dogs, never had one

Does that usually matter in cases such as these?

This particular DH thinks his wife is being unreasonable, yet he works full time/long hours. Doesn't sound like this particular man would be capable of looking after this particular poorly trained dog.

The other thing to consider is the nature of your troubled SS. If he's easy going and a bit of a loner/homebody I would give it a go with conditions. If he is a social kid who will go out a lot I would probably give a trial period and hopefully by the time it's up he may be less upset about letting the dog be rehomed. Maybe somewhere he can visit. If he has behaviour problems, definitely no as you will be dealing with enough drama. Although it may be a great bargaining chip.

They're not concerned about the best interests of the dog either.

This is a difficult breed with certain needs that the OP and her household clearly cannot meet.

Probably knew his mother wouldn't let him have it if he asked. Doesn't mean he hasn't missed it, or worried about it being with his mad mum.

I've just read up about this type of dog. There's not a hope in hell that I'd allow it into a house with young children.

Not sure she needs responses “to go her way”. There are plenty of reasons why she feels having the dog would be a problem and to be honest, she can’t win either way.

I'd say that mentioning the feckless breeder was alluding to the problems concerned with the breed.

How do we know the dog is unsocialised? Socialisation doesn't have to be special classes or specific training; it can be as simple as meeting lots of new people/visiting new places.

Some of the best socialised dogs I know are owned by the local crackheads because they drag them literally everywhere with them.

Bio mum could be the type of chaotic person who has people in and out of the house at all hours of the day and night. SS might have taken the dog everywhere with him. We know nothing about the dog's social history other than OP doesn't believe it has ever shown any sign of being aggressive.

This is such a horrible situation for everyone :(

My first reaction was you should take the dog in but that was premised on it being not an unknown bill-type cross and without knowing of younger children in the home.

Whatever you do, you can’t really win.

I don’t know your financial situation but this is so important. Dogs are a luxury these days and will generally cost as much (at least) as a really nice car on PCP every month.

But your poor, poor DSS. He’s been failed so badly :(

It sounds like no-one has centred his needs for a really long time xx

The ideal would be for this dog to go into local foster and for your DSS to be able to visit.

Your DP needs to sort this out. If you try yourself, the teen will be like, “fuck your!”

Agree. How happy is this dog going to be if its needs are not met?

Taking away all of the emotional baggage behind this, if this post was someone saying “I’m thinking of adopting a unsocialised untrained dog, but I don’t have the time or energy to train it - AIBU?” the poster would have been ripped apart.

The DH and first wife can't even afford to pay for their own child, so I assume the evil OP will be paying for the dog too.

The dog is destructive because basic needs (most probably exercise and mental stimulation) aren't being met.

You kind of drip fed that this was a bull terrier cross. I should think the dog has a fairly strong bite, depending on what it was crossed with.

You would need careful 1:1 training from the moment the dog entered your house.

But because the OP is the stepmother in the scenario she is expected to somehow magic up the time and experience required for this experiment. Otherwise she is wicked , uncaring and terrible person.

Whatever this dog’s behaviour/socialisation skills are like, its owner (who previously would laugh and let the dog destroy anything it wanted) is now saying she can’t cope with it. Doesn’t really sound great, does it?

Christ alive go get the dog. Make sure DH knows you won’t be caring for it and have your firm boundary. If it’s not trained then DH and DSS commit to training it. But the answer here is not to let a traumatised boy’s dog be given away.