To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

I am wondering if there is some third option. I am team dog but I do recognise your concerns about an untrained dog around young children.

Can your family afford dog + doggy daycare and training etc? Not should you, but can you?

We all know the bulk of the care will fall to OP, despite promises. This is on the mum and DH to sort out and take responsibility for. DSS blaming his stepmother for not taking on his dog.... A poorly trained pet dog isn't exactly going to be the easiest transition for everyone else in the house. Their emotions also matter.

Not really. Many people retrain adult dogs. Every single day.

My sister is fostering one that apparently has been a neglected stray for years. It is very eager to learn and to please. All they want is love, attention, kindness, food and praise. Positive reinforcement goes a long way.

What the fuck? Emissary for the boy's mother? Come on. Talk about fabrications.

Do as you will, OP, and good luck with the outcome. This decision, one way or the other, will reverberate through your life far stronger and far longer than you can imagine.

The boy's mother is feeling for a weakness that she can exploit, you have to shut her down OP.
Dont listen to the fluffy furbaby sparkles brigade on here.

I’m not sure it is a fabrication.

This is a woman who has abused my DSS and the rest of the family. I won’t post what she’s done and said on here to me or my children, if I did you would be shocked. This dog would also be a constant reminder of her.

Me too.
Your stepson will hate you if you don't take the dog and that will negatively impact your relationship with your husband.
It's not worth it.
Focus on the upsides of having a dog - they're the best burglar deterrent around.
They force you to get some exercise.
They're friendly and very loyal.

That she does not have the time or wish to give it.

You can certainly have no idea at all of the outcome of any such training and whether the dog (which the boy has not seen in six months and which was not chosen by the OP) will respond acceptably to training or become compatible with their home.

And she has other vulnerable children and a husband who works till 11pm two nights a week.

No means no.

You can't take the dog. And your DH is unreasonable to entertain the idea.

You would became it's main carer.
It would make your life and life of other children a hell.
It won't really help DSS - his mother would find something else to torment him with and the inevitable havock and issues caused by untrained large dog wouldn't provide him with the calm and support.

You can help by having it responsible rehomed somewhere else.

---

Yes, dogs can be retrained - by experienced dog owners who want to do it and has time and energy to do it.

Your job is to protect the other children and yourself here.

Yes, some posters are saying you have to do it, but ignore. Noone should be blackmailed into having a dog at home, definitely not in the described situation.

Poor boy. Abused by his own mother.
Apparantly has an uncaring stepmother.
He needs the dog to help him cope with the trauma. Hopefully your husband will put his child first.

The stepson will hate her more if the dog comes, it doesn't work and it needs to be rehomed later.

The stepson will hate her if she allows the dog and than doesn't skivvy around it and try to enforce some rules.

The other children will hate her if she doesn't protect them from large untrained home destroying their home

It is a losing proposition either way.
In one case the OP at least doesn't have to deal with the dog.

He doesn’t need the dog. He hasn’t seen it for 6 months.

That uncaring stepmother does all of the motherly duties, and pays for them too.

FGS OP is paying for her SS and raising him entirely. And she's uncaring? Her husband has already put his child last. OP is the only one who gives a shit
I wish ppl would read all the posts

Does he really need the dog? How can you say?

Does he need the dog even if it brings tension to the only stable home he has?

Nah. Don't be daft. Read the updates.

Are men incapable of looking after dogs?

Men who work long hours and are out of the home 2 days a week are!

A horrible person who is bringing up a stepson in her home after his own mother abused him?

You sound like you're bored and on the gin and trying and failing to stir and upset someone with a nothing response 😆

I 100% agree with you @ThickOfThorns Your DSS hasn't missed the dog in the last six months and it's only because his awful mother has sent that message that he's upset about it. I'm sure your DSS knows how much you love him and if his mother gives the dog away then that's down to her.

If the stepmother is talking about the Dogs Trust she can't be totally irresponsible. They're pretty good in my experience, and the dog will do best where it's wanted and trained. If that's not you, fair enough. If your DH doesn't have the time or inclination to step up, that's on him.

True. The breed would definitely be a defining factor especially if I had younger children.

No, if they genuinely try with the dog, proper training, boundaries, then at least you know you tried.
I am sorry but your DSS has been through a lot more than you worrying about some damage to your furniture. Whether you sourced this dog or another from a reputable breeder it could still cause damage, and would still need supervision with all of your children. Adult dogs can still be trained.

Dogs are healing and often give a feeling of safety, something your DSS needs now, more than ever. You might be surprised and love having the dog, if you give it a real chance. I don't see how you can refuse. The mother then only has supervised phone contact so you can help limit the future control you mention.

Completely team DH and DSS.

None of your reasons are that it’s an xl bully who failed its first year at charm school, so yabvu