To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

If it is an English bull terrier cross, English bull terriers are very good family dogs with young kids. Don’t let the bull part confuse you, it is nothing like an American Bully!

The OP has already said it’s a bull terrier cross.

Better an upset teenager than a mauled and disfigured (or worse) child. Very few people are able or willing to provide the level of supervision required for having dogs around young children.

Your husband needs to seek alternative accommodation for himself, son and dog.
No way would I be accepting such a dog into my home.

What about her children? Do they have a right to live safely in their house?

English Bull Terriers are not the same as XL bullies. They generally make good family pets, with sufficient exercise, training and socialisation.

This.

Ethically sourced dog?

Do you have someone you can rehome him with maybe and get a different dog you feel more comfortable with maybe ? But you surely realise all this so trauma for the kid ?

There's nothing ethical about having badly trained dogs around young kids. It's just not on.

Everyone is worried about the needs of OP and the OPs DSS...

But what about the needs of the dog?

What are your work and school schedules? How long will the dog be left during the day? Who will be providing walks, training, activities and entertainment - and when?

What type of dog is it? What level of daily activity does it need? Are there places local to you (parks, countryside) where it can be exercised and play? Are those places suitable and large enough to meet the dogs needs? What is the dogs coat like? How much grooming will it need?

What is the dogs character like? Is it nervous? Properly socialised? Aggressive? Noisy? Dominant? Difficult? And are you capable of dealing with that character and personality? Some dogs required experienced and skilled owners, and if you don't meet those requirements then you'll be failing the dog.

Nightmare. But I think you have to take the dog but be clear the dog is not yours to walk etc

So sad for the boy that his mother is such a manipulative and abusive nightmare. Great that he has you, a loving, decent woman to care for him.

Obviously, you are 100 percent right to stick to your guns. Ignore the usual suspects who seem hell bent on blaming you for - well, absolutely nothing actually beyond being sensible, forthright and not having your house and life trashed by somebody else's poor decisions.

What many here cannot get through their skulls (or understand perfectly but love to hate stepmothers) is that giving in to manipulation and accepting an unacceptable and unworkable situation is NOT kind at all. The stress this would put on you, the other children and the house is unworkable. The abusive mother would once again have it reinforced that she can make you all dance to her tune. and the long term effects would be marked.

The chaos would be good for nobody. It is far, far kinder to set reasonable boundaries and expectations that you know can fulfill than make promises that cannot be kept to assuage the boy's current distress. It is the adult thing to say no, and you have every right to say it. Hope your dh does better at supporting you in your fair and reasonable boundary setting.

The point is that this dog has had none of that. And who will do all that if the dog comes to live with OP?

The expectation from the pro dog camp is that she becomes a complete, total and utter doormat/robot, has no feelings, no rights, no boundaries and becomes a slave to the wants of her stepson, husband and a badly behaved dog.

It's insane. She has said no, and I am so glad she is sticking to her guns.

I’m team dog. Your poor stepson needs his dog. 🐾❤️

I’m with you op. We had a much loved pet growing up but I very clearly remember the hard work it was. Never again.

Hell no. Don’t take the dog.
@raspberryberet2020 has it spot on.

Sorry but by not taking the dog, you'd be allowing his mother to continue to emotionally abuse him. She's looking for any way to get at him, and you need to show him that he will always have support in the form of you and his father, not when it suits you. I honestly cannot comprehend how this is even a question

Honestly, I despair. Actually reading all of the OP’s posts would be helpful too 🤷🏻‍♀️ Anyone would think OP is prising the dog out of the boy’s arms while he sobs and wails, he hasn’t even mentioned it for months.

She will continue to emotionally abuse him whether we take the dog or not. Taking the dog won’t end her abuse. It’ll just mean DH and I have even less time or energy to pick up the pieces next time.

Would you have an untrained unsocialised destructive dog around your young children?

That’s how it is a question.

You’d have to be very hard hearted to not take this dog on. And your stepson will never forget this.

Obviously has to be with them looking after the dog.

She is supporting him by parenting him, caring for him and not bringing an untrained destructive dog (that the boy has not seen in six months) into a home with other vulnerable children, by not making her own life much more difficult with less time to do all the parenting work she already does, and thus giving in to his abusive mother, who will continue to abuse him regardless.

She also has the absolute moral right to refuse the burden the abusive mother is trying to force onto her.

She would be letting the boy down by letting him bring chaos into the home which will backfire on them all and not, in any way, prevent his mother from being abusive anyway.

I am firmly in team 'NO DOG'
The dog would merely be an emissary for the boy's personality disordered mother. Infact she sounds like a human version of the dog ... or is it the dog version of her?
Anyway, this is her extending her vile tentacles into your home @ThickOfThorns
Stand firm & do not allow it!

This is how I feel.