To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

Would your finances allow to paying for a local fosterer/dog sitter to take care of the dog? Someone who can train the dog, whilst also you look for a new home for it?

Then DSS can visit DDOG but know that
you're taking some time to find it a loving home?

I don’t even know if this is a service that exists or how much this would cost so sorry if this is very unhelpful. Just trying to think of a middle ground for everyone x

My DSS wants a possibly dangerous untrained bull terrier in my house with my young children, and DH is away two days a week. AIBU?

You would have got different answers.

Stepmother 'can't cope' with the dog. Why not? You're not a rehoming charity and it sounds difficult - not its fault but badly trained. Very sad for the animal but I can understand where you're coming from. Unfortunately shelters are full of these kind of dogs as they do seem to be the breed of choice for irresponsible twats.

I’m not sure it’s dangerous, it’s never bitten or attacked anyone to my knowledge. It’s the destruction which I’m aware about.

Fair enough. I thought it wasn't the best breed to be around young kids.

Dogs are a huge responsibility (I have one) and a bull terrier with no training added to all the other things you’ve described would be a living nightmare.

Do you know anyone who would take it? So that he could visit it and still have a relationship with it? I know it's not your responsibility to find it a home - it was just a thought.

I feel for you all. Dogs are a huge responsibility. I love mine dearly but she's a rescue and hard work. You would doubtless end up feeding, walking it and find your life revolves round it to a certain extent. We can't go to the beach in summer for the day, for example. I have to go on my own and leave ddog with DH.

Depends if the dog has actually been around small children before. Could be fine. Could be not.

How about DH and DSS and Ddog go and live somewhere else until DSS is old enough to live independently with the dog?
No, didn't think you would like that.

Are you suggesting I may have missed out on some important details included in OP's updates? 🤔

How unlike me. 😇

No, it's because it's a living creature and also that little boy has suffered enough trauma.

Are you daft? She's doing all the child care and mothering for the boy and other children. Father and stepson would be enormously negatively impacted by such a choice. Not the tiniest chance he will be leaving her for a dog she didn't buy that they have not seen in six months.

Just read the updates.

English Bull terriers are fine with children, especially if they've been socialised around them. They're also not a breed you'd typically find in rescues in large numbers. They're actually not that common at all, ime. It's been years since I've seen one out and about.

What they are is a terrier, therefore naturally bright and eager to learn. An under-exercised bull terrier probably will chew furniture, but one who is given sufficient physical and mental stimulation (which is not an excessive amount for this breed) can easily be trained out of this behaviour.

Speration/supervision around younger children can be achieved with stairgates; they're not a breed that can jump especially high.

Think if the kid ! Don’t do this to him

Absolute madness to have a badly trained and inadequacy socialized bull terrier in a house with small children.

Why not just open your front door and let your children play freely on the road?

Apologies for being harsh in my first post I hadn't seen your update. I can see now why you don't want the dog as it is unfair and unreasonable of your DH to expect you to take that responsibility on when he isn't around much on top of everything else you're doing already. Whilst I feel for DSS if the dog is untrained then there is no way it would work. Training that behaviour out of the dog is hard work I've been there myself and it took 4 years of constant reinforcing of boundaries to get my dog under control thanks to her previous owners not socialising her and making her worse not better it takes a lot of work to train out bad behaviour.

Unless DH 100% takes this responsibility for the dog including being home at decent times then stand your ground. Also I'd guess DH will say of course he will and then leave it all to you making it harder to rehome if you did take the dog on.

Team dog please 🙏
ask DSS to please try to take as much responsibility as he can ( bearing in mind he is a teen) and of course DH & you can help him & the dog out. Forget his ex . And it doesn’t get any more ethical than saving this poor dog from being rehomed and not taking something as precious as a dog away from your poor SS. Please show some compassion 🙏 You may learn to love the dog, show it a bit of love and it will return it 10x . Best of luck

Is DSS to take responsibility too if the dog attacks one of the OP's children?

It's a safeguarding issue now, you can not have that dog around young children.
The step son wouldn't have been able to keep his pet in foster care btw, these things happened however sad they are.

That’s not how emotions work.

i wish dog license would be brought back and made stricter
feel sorry for all the unwanted neglected dogs and their crappy owners need to pay a penalty ( the ex not OP)

Oh god this is hard- I’m not sure I could take on the dog either.

The smell in the house that even the cleanest dogs / cleanest owners makes is enough to put me off, as well as the dog smell people with dogs can’t help but have.

The care of the dog- the daily walking, poo clearing, grooming, feeding- who is proposing to do all this when DSS is out with mates after school after being at school all day? Or is someone home all day to keep doggy company. Again it’s a ball ache responsibly I wouldn’t want.

Costs- not just the food but everything from wormers to jabs and vet care. If dog gets ill or hurt understandably you’d be paying the bills.

Why are you anti dog? Mine stems from childhood trauma.

HOWEVER this decision is attached to much more than a simple yes or no and I’m not sure what you would have to face if you stuck to no but I totally get why you’d stick to no.

What breed is it? If it’s one of those handbag little ones you’d actually be ok!

This. I love dogs, grew up with bull breeds and my parents still have one now.

The outcry that would happen if this dog injured one of the other children would be unbelievable.

How many of these posters would have this dog in their own houses, around their own children?

And why is this not crossing the DH’s mind?

Is there anyone you know who would be able to take the dog on so your stepson could visit it? Grandparents maybe?

Team dog. This animal has been the constant in his life, his best friend through all the hard times being with his mother. He’s had a massive change in his life, clearly has a lot trauma and now you’re telling him he can’t have his comfort with him?!

my mother was an alcoholic narcissist who put myself and brother through hell. She bought us a dog that we became so attached too and we felt like he protected us. One day after school we came home to discover she’d rehomed him. I’ve never forgiven her.

this isn’t about you I’m afraid.