To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

I think it might be an idea to take the dog with strict rules, however if it turns out to be incompatible with your young children and too badly trained to make it work then rehome it in such a way dss knows the dog is ok rather than allow the mum to upset him.

For everyone saying OP must let him have the dog - did you see the part where it says THERE ARE OTHER YOUNG CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE?

Untrained dogs and young children are a disaster waiting to happen.

I’m sure some people would tell you that you were in the wrong to take the dog on if the worst happened and one of them got injured 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whether the DSS chooses to forgive his mother for giving away the dog is between DSS and his mum, it’s nothing to do with OP.

I don't think anyone is "gleeful" about the prospect of OP's DH leaving her, but someone needs to put the emotional welfare of the child first, and that someone needs to be his parent if OP is unable to.

The dog is unlikely to be a large breed; OP would have said so if that was the case instead of ignoring the question. My money is on it being some kind of ridiculous "poo" crossbreed.

Ditto aggression/danger to the other children; if that was a factor, OP would have said so.

Her main reasons for not wanting the dog appear to be that it is not the type of dog she would have picked, and that taking it lets the bio mum win. None of those are good enough reasons to further traumatise an already vulnerable child.

Yes, the ss should be put at the centre of this decision, not her issues and beliefs. It is actually the boy's home as his dad lives there.
A dog is a big commitment though, so there does need to be rules.

I think you are being unreasonable in some of what you say, OP. I think you should slice away your feelings about your DSS's mother and think of what is best for the boy and also the dog (which may not be living with you). Taking in what is effectively a rescue dog from an irresponsible owner is ethical btw.

She did say the other children are a factor. In her second post.

Reading your updates... I understand you saying no. It sounds like most of the care is going to end up being on you - including all these hours of training which it apparently needs. And having an untrained dog around young children is stressful and requires you to be constantly vigilant - there is no way you could just leave that situation on the 14 year old to manage.

It’s a bull terrier cross.

Do you mean an English bull terrier cross?

No way, in this case!

Of course it is.

Im out. Enjoy!

Wow. All these people saying keep the dog are ridiculous. He’s been fine without it all this time.
A dog is a huge responsibility for years and no doubt you will end up looking after it. YANBU to not want a dog in your home that wasn’t planned, especially if you have other children to consider. He’s 14… he’s not going to want to walk a dog once or twice a day when he is out with his friends and i’m sure he won’t be able to afford vet or grooming bills. Who will be looking after it when he’s at school? It’s cruel on the dog too! He’ll forget about it again in a couple of months so don’t give in

I agree with setting boundaries around dog caring responsibilities. It's not fair to be added to your mentsl load but perhaps training the dog properly could give DSS a positive focus?

Team NO DOG.

• He's not seen this dog in 6 months.
• He's barely mentioned it for months.
• You have other DC to consider.
• I could not put up with an untrained dog in my house.

If the family as a whole want a pet, that's fine - but not this dog.

Bit of a dripfeed about the breed!

In this situation I would probably let the dog stay...on the condition it doesn't have any destructive behavioural issues and isn't aggressive.

Your husband has a child which means he's part of a package deal.

Yes but no idea what it’s crossed with as it was from a backyard breeders litter of puppies.

This, defo

I’m not a dog fan, and not a fan of emotional manipulation either, but sounds like the dog is a massive deal to the child and it would be good for him to have that constant thread through a lot of upheaval and trauma (must be pretty traumatic being neglected by your own mother). Poor boy!

Reading all of the OP’s posts may be a good idea……

I wouldn't have one of them near my kid for 30 secs never mind an untrained one full time. Stand your ground OP - the risk is not worth it.

So a negligent mother gets what she wants yet again, having damaged her son so badly that he was removed from her 'care' yet the OP is expected to do as she's told! I know it goes against the MN mantra that birth mothers are the most important but it seems that step mothers are left to take whatever is thrown at her without question.

Team Stepmum 👍
A dog is a huge commitment, one that the lad probably can't realise yet, although of course it is a huge comfort to him after a very rough time. But OP/stepmum may well end up with responsibilities and commitments (incl financial) that she simply doesn't want. I had a dog for many years, and lovely though it was, I was quite relieved when it reached the end of its life, and vowed never to have responsibility for an animal ever again.

Based on updates @ThickOfThornsive changed my mind and moved to no dog. If he wasn’t that bothered, it’s untrained, unclear in breed, DH working hours and other kids - all lean towards unreasonable impact.