To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

I’m with you, I couldn’t have the commitment of a dog on top of what sounds like a stressful situation.

That boy needs his dog. You must find a way. You can insist on DH and the boy doing all the care and cleaning up.
Who cares whether the dog was ethically sourced? He's here now and an important friend.

No you wouldn't. You set out the terms, that the dog can come but only if it is not allowed upstairs, he/DH actively engage with training it, that you will not be responsible for it etc. A new environment is the perfect opportunity to start from fresh with the rules.

In most circumstances, I would agree you should not be forced to take on a dog you do not want. But it honestly sounds like this boy has been through enough and hard as it might be for you, his life is a lot tougher than yours right now.

Depends on the breed…because let’s be honest here, a little toy dog - still a pain but unlikely to cause real problems, a rottie or German shepherd is another kettle of fish.

edited to add: let’s think about the poor dogs welfare too, both DH and SS are unlikely to look after it, OP doesn’t have the time so who’s actually going to do it? Take it on walks etc? Because let be real here the 14 year old isn’t going to get up in the freezing cold before school when it’s raining to walk it is he?

I'm with you OP. The stepson's wants do not trump the needs of the rest of the family. Stand firm on this one. It's only a dog.

I'm torn, I feel sorry for DSS but I also feel that everyone should agree on a decision like this. If you don't want the dog then it should be rehomed elsewhere. It will be worst if you bow down to pressure, and then find that you really can't cope and the dog needs to go.

You said the DH would be reasonable to divorce OP and leave with his kid.

I asked whether you really think the DH is going to leave home so his son can have a dog he didn’t even go and see?

He hasn't needed it for the last 6 months. He will manage perfectly well without it.

You are being very selfish and mean. Let the poor dog and boy be together. They need the love from one and other.

So how come he hasn't bothered seeing it for the last 6 months? He clearly does not need it.

Agreed. YANBU

However, only agree to have the dog in your household IF your H and SS agree to take full responsibility for EVERYTHING to do with the dog.

Did you read the Ops opening post? He isn’t allowed to see his mum. As she was emotionally abusive to him, I’d doubt she’d easily just let him see the dog.

On every stepmum thread, I think that the DH has a sweet deal going, having roped in someone to do the childcare he can't be bothered to do and pay the bills, and this one is no exception.
Divorce the OP? Come on! Then he would have to do his own childcare and pay for his own son.

What happens on the days OP’s DH is away?

What hapoens when the DSS loses interest in the dog and DH is away? Should Op Ignore the dog because DH and DSS promised they would take care of it?

I agree with your sentiments, generally. You shouldn't be forced to have a pet if you dont want one. I say that as pet lover myself.

But specifically, your DSS has been so abused his mum can only speak to him under supervision. I dread to think what that means hes been through.

The dog, although probably being used to get a reaction from DSS or expecting your response to drive a wedge, is something DSS is attached to. So id let the dog stay, IF DSS argees to care for it - the responsibility and bond would be good for him

And I think YABU. Dh is right, this isnt the hill to die on when DSS has been through so much

How was he meant to go and see the dog when he wasn’t allowed to see his mother??

@ThickOfThorns - the very people who criticise you now for not taking the dog are the same who will destroy you if you do and it hurts a family member
And I AM. A dog owner- but of a well trained and therefore well behaved and predictable one.
stick to your guns, safety is of upmost importance.
Get DSS to ask his mother what has changed and why she can no longer care for the gift she got him, and why she bought it for him if she can no longer keep it. Surely having the animosity a comfort as it reminds her of him??then the onus is on her

This
And I am not an animal person

YABU OP. I remember when my mother left my father and we had no choice but to leave our dog behind because we stayed with family who had cats and no space for us never mind our dog. However my father offered my mum to take our dog when we got our flat and she said no and my dad rehomed her. Me and my sisters were devastated especially as we never got to say goodbye. Even now over 25 years later I still feel traumatised by that and wish I had put up a better fight to my mum to take her back and even my mum regrets saying no now and acknowledges we could have made it work.

My dad was also abusive and manipulative and my dog was always there to comfort me and she was also from a backyard breeder but was the most gentle, loving and affectionate girl. I've never forgiven my father for rehoming her and I never will because I've never gotten over losing her and I'm mid 30s now.

Unless the dog has some behavioural issues or is untrained and a danger to your safety then I'd understand you saying no way. Can you not make it clear that the dog will be your DSS and DH responsibility including financial cost for DH? Otherwise you risk your DSS resenting you for this. Emotional abuse especially from a parent completely destroys your trust in people and a pet can make all the difference to your emotional wellbeing like rebuilding trust.

I feel sorry for your stepson he has been through hell and now he risks losing his dog the only comfort he had through that hell he was in because you want to make a point to his mum.

Yep. All these people profess to worry and care so much about this boy and yet gleefully want the OP to be divorced by her H and thereby removing the only motherly figure in DSS’s life.

I’m so surprised at the majority of these responses. The op (a woman) does not want a dog. I mention her being a woman as almost every time I see a dog brought into a family where it’s the males who want the dog, it is the woman who ends up Doing all the work.

Op can provide love and nurturing to her stepson and does not need to be manipulated into accepting a situation she clearly does not want.

I’m not saying you should do something you don’t want to do. But I said no to a dog, I love dogs but felt it was too tying, a lot of responsibility etc. however was outvoted and we got the dog, I absolutely love him to bits he’s my best friend and we hang out all day haha. I think maybe if your DSS has been through so much you should give it a go with firm boundaries.

Hes not been allowed to see the dog.

Im a bit surprised a lot of posters don't get that to a kid not seeing the dog but knowing its still 'there' is one thing, but to know its gone completely and no idea where....thats going to really torment the poor kid. He'll never forget this.

The same way he managed to see the dog the one time he did bother to ask to see the dog.

I won’t go into the story but I was once in a situation where my mother forced me to rehome my cats. I have struggled to forgive her and I will always see her as utterly cold hearted at a time I was at my lowest. It fundamentally changed our relationship.

Please think about what you’re doing.