To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

I am not sure. I think he does care for the dog. When he first moved he mentioned it quite a bit, then he didn’t mention it for months. Now it’s all brought up again because of this ultimatum from the mother.

How old is this dog?
What breed mix is it?
Habits can be formed, but they can also be re directed through training.

I highly recommend the Good Citizen Dog scheme from the Kennel Club (pedigree & mutts welcome!) This could be instead of the usual extra curricular activities...

Don't give up on the child and his dog.

What breed of dog is it? If you have legitimate safety concerns. about it being left with other children in the house that should trump anything else. Let's be honest a golden retriever is a whole different question than an XL bully.

But tbh, you are not unreasonable to not want to take on an untrained unruly dog which will be your responsibility for the next X number of years. Not to mention the change of lifestyle it will have on all aspects of your life.

Why does your stepsons wants trump yours or your other childrens?

I am both a dog lover and not a stepmum, and I can still see OP's POV, after her second post ( which no one will read).
She will be lumped with all the work.

I am a dog lover but 1) he’s seen the dog once in 6 months, you are not ripping the dog out of his arms while he is sobbing and 2) untrained dog with young children in the house. Sorry I would have to say no as well.

What would your DH say if the dog attacked one of the other children?

I already supported your fair and reasonable decision to say no. This seals the deal. It is an absolute no, and I hope your dh can be reasonable about this, because otherwise he is jeopardising his relationship with a fair and decent woman.

Agree with all the above, too late now to worry about ethical issues regarding where the dog came from, surely it wouldn’t be ethical sending the dog to an over full rescue? But mostly I can’t imagine the trauma of that poor boy knowing that could happen to his poor dog. How could his mother threaten that, so cruel. You’ve got the chance to really show him how people that love and value each other behave. Please don’t hold the dog over him. Agree with the boundaries, DH holds responsibility and DSS takes care of the dog

He knew the dog was safe and he'd likely see it again soon.
Now he knows that unless you have it, that's it forever.
Big difference.

If I were your DH, I'd be looking for pet-friendly rentals and a divorce lawyer right about now.

Kids come first, always.

His son is so important to the sainted DH that he allows OP to support and raise him. Did posters miss that?

It was obvious from your OP that you would be expected to add yet another thing to your chores.

I’m glad you’re sticking to your decision.

Poor child, yabvu. This dog is in need, that reaches the threshold for ethical dog ownership, rescuing the dog and DSS at the same time.

What about the safety of the other children in the house? Their quality of life?

Sending the dog to Dogs Trust is not a given, as PPs have said, the charities are on their knees. They will likely refuse, tell your DSS mother to find a breed specific charity or just carry on. DSS mother will have to choose to kill the dog. If she does, that is your relationship with your DSS dead and your own relationship with his dad your DH irreparably damaged too. Do you want to end your relationship? I wouldn’t look at you in the same light tbh either. Would be the start of the end for me, doing that to my son.

Training adult dogs can happen, it just takes time and input. Ironically enough Dogs Trust has a lot of training advice on their website, great videos and you can access trainers and even CABs (clinical animal behaviourists) for free.

I agree that the age and breed of the dog is important to know.

OP, you should have included the details of what you do for your SS in the first post, plus the other relevant bits. MN hates stepmums ( and once again I add that I am not and never will be one).

You think this man is going to give up his wife who pays for his son, takes son to school, cooks son’s dinners, buys son gifts and does all mothering?

He should keep the dog, but of course you need to draw a line and make sure he looks after it, and it's not put on you, as so often happens to parents when kids get pets. Let him know that if he doesn't take care of it, he won't be able to keep it.

This.

Having read the updates, there is not a chance in hell he will leave a good, decent woman who does the childcare for several children including his 14 year old son over a dog his son hasn't seen in months who the OP had no say in purchasing and very fairly does not want the responsibility for.

He might try to bully and blame her over it though, but she seems clear minded and unlikely to allow that sort of nonsense.

I think it very much depends on what sort of dog is it? An old dog can be taught new tricks and you can implement boundaries and discipline with the dog. We have two 4 year old dogs and they were both pretty destructive when younger but have grown out of that now. A youngish, smallish dog and you might be being unreasonable.

A larger dog, a dog or with high exercise needs (Jack Russells are small but have high exercise needs and are known to be bitey) and small children is a recipe for disaster. I would NEVER have had one of our dogs around small children because he has the potential to be so powerful. If he showed any sign of aggression, I'd not have him anywhere near me. He's a pussycat but I've lost my temper with my kids and its unfair to expect a dog not to.

Does your DH have a say? What does he suggest? Dog training classes and a dog walker or daycare on the two long days?
I think posters are just siding with your stepson who has been through a horrific time and suffered abuse.

This is one of the coldest things I've read on here tbh 🙁 (and I have read all your posts)

I agree with this. @ThickOfThorns I understand how annoyed you must feel at being 'bounced' into this OP, but your DSS has been through so much I think losing his dog too would be crushing for him. I would agree to a 1-month trial run on the basis that your DH and DSS are entirely responsible for everything to do with the dog (walking, cleaning, care costs, etc.). If the first month goes OK, I would agree to continue on a month-by-month review basis - any slacking on their part and the dog gets rehomed (so, in order to keep the dog they both have to recognise their responsibilities and meet them continuously).

Bumping the OP's post. She pays for her SS and does all the childcare ( also it's her house?) Hardly the callous bitch posters are making her out to be.

👆Agreed.