To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

Oh the poor boy. Please let him keep his dog. He is at a very vulnerable age. Your relationship will suffer if he doesn’t keep the dog. Don’t be another disappointing adult in his life.

I really really don’t like dogs and wouldn’t want one in my house.

However, as a parent DH must put the needs of his child first. This means taking on the dog.

You both need to come to a compromise or maybe DH and SS need to live separately

Where were the other people in the family? Why didn’t they help?

OP is right to say upfront that she doesn’t want this responsibility.

It would be crueller to say yes and then back out

A few things:

1. I am hardly a wicked stepmother. I’ve embraced DSS with open arms, I take responsibility for him financially (his mother pays £0 maintenance), I do school runs, friend drop offs, buy him gifts, cook his dinners and take on all motherly duties.
2. He’s seen the dog once since he moved here. He mentioned it a lot at the beginning and then it all petered off, until the last couple of days when this latest threat came through and now he’s upset about the dog again.
3. There are other children in the house. I won’t give details, this is already outing enough, but of ages where they would be affected and couldn’t be left unsupervised.
4. The dog has received no training, and its bad behaviour is often the cause of laughter from DSS’ mother (I don’t find dogs destroying home items funny).
5. It’s not realistic to expect a 14 year old to take full responsibility for the dog - he can’t afford one for a start.
6. My DH works long hours, twice a week he is out from 6am - 11pm. Who is looking after the dog on those two days? It’s all well and good saying that DSS will, but the reality is, if he refuses or is too lazy or is seeing friends, it will be up to me to look after the dog.

I’m a cat person … your whole you would only consider a dog that’s ethically sourced etc …. ironically sounds very unethical. To have a child with a relationship with a dog and not consider that dog because it was not ethically sourced … wow it sounds very cold.

You don’t have to justify yourself to a bunch of strangers on the internet. You are entirely entitled to just say no.

the wicked stepmother brigade can sod off.

I didn't verbally abuse you. I also didn't berate the OP. I am not enraged.

You have called other posters 'loonies' and 'loons' and are now accusing me of verbally abusing you so clearly you are NOT OK with people having opposing views, nor are you rational. You're one of those people who loves dishing it out, then plays the poor little victim when someone calls you out on it.

I couldn't go to bed every night knowing this poor boy was under the same roof as me, traumatised, lonely and devastated, just to avoid myself some nuisance and hassle. If you can, stick to your guns - you are entitled to - but I don't know many people who could.

1. You won’t have a dog, it’s clearly not yours so maintain your boundary of no responsibility.
2. So you want to destroy this dogs life because of its beginnings and replace it with a shiny new one? To me that sounds ethically wrong.
3. This is NOT about you v the ex.

Sorry, I am absolutely not a dog person but this poor kid has clearly been through a lot recently and you should enable him to keep his dog. You need to separate how awful his mother is from him needing the dog.

If there other children in the house then no. You have every right to say no to the dog living with you.

I completely understand your reasons, but dogs have a special healing power that comes 2nd to none. And after all the traumatic experience your DSS has had over the last few months it would just give him something positive to focus on.
By all means set some ground rules like regular walks, feeding times and training for the dog. Maybe the dog has to sleep in the kitchen ...
Just agree before taking on the dog about who does what and when, (that's mainly DH & some for DSS) so not all the work falls on one person...

Sadly some dogs have violent destructive powers. Depending on the breed and training (and it sounds like this is a badly trained dog) it could be a direct threat to young children.

I'd be more concerned that the mother is trying to manipulate her son into saying he wants to return to her care so he can protect the dog.

It would be impossible to set boundaries as the precedent has already been set at DSS’s mother’s house. The dog was allowed to sleep on DSS’ bed, and basically do whatever else it wanted, including damaging furniture and belongings. I can’t imagine training that behaviour out of a now adult dog would be easy or cheap.

This would be another trauma for your S.S. if you don't care about that then you may care about the consequences of him dealing with another trauma at his young age whilst living with you. This is one of those life situations where I really think you have to do this for him.

100% with your dH.

Well, I couldn't live with myself but you do you.

None of the considerations you mentioned seem insurmountable. That poor kid and poor dog. I hope someone takes charge of re-homing it in a responsible and compassionate manner.

Everything this woman does is manipulative. She’ll be saying this to either try to get DSS to go back and live with her OR to show DSS what wicked and awful people we are that the dog had to go to the Dog’s Trust and it’s all our fault.

What is the age of the dog? What size, breed (or mongrel?), etc.?

Many people allow dogs on beds and furniture, it's hardly depraved.

He's managed 6 months without his dog. Does he miss it at all ?
Is he really wanting the dog or is he thinking he's supposed to want it ? Perhaps the dog could go and live on a farm in a few months time?

Then you know nothing about dogs. All of that is very easy to retrain, so long as you calmly and gently stick to the rules you want to keep. Resetting boundaries is simple, with consistency. I’m not too sure why the dog sleeping on the son’s bed is an issue for you though to be honest. I’d imagine that it would give him great comfort in all of the upheaval he’s currently going through.

I’m not saying it’s depraved. I’m saying that any boundaries, rules or training I would want for the dog are out of the window. I’d have to accept the dog and the behaviour it’s been allowed to exhibit.

If you have a heart - you need to take in the dog!

I feel for you, I wouldn't want the dog either, I have had one before and they are a huge amount of work and responsibility. It is also not realistic to just say "I won't do any dog care."

On a Friday night when the stepson is at a sleepover and DH at a work do, are you going to sit there ignoring it while it whines for food, shits on the floor because it needs to go out, and chews the couch up because it's bored. Of course not - you are going to end up spending your evening looking after it!

I don't know what I'd do honestly, because I would hate to put further pain on the poor stepson. I think if you do take it, you need to be able to accept that it will become your dog too, or else you will resent the situation.

Regardless of your updates, I stand by my answers OP, sorry.
Dogs don't learn things according to 'a house' either. They learn according to boundaries and treatment (e.g. why a dog who's learned to sit will embarrass you if you take it to a friend's house and ask it to-it doesn't know that it is the same instruction now it is in a new environment. Id let the dog access to DSs' room, but it wouldn't necessarily destroy furniture now it has its own human back.

And I stand by that you'd absolutely 💯 % destroy the lad if you say no.
Boundaries,a good sit down talk with DSS, sure. But you'll set yourself up for a much harder life than a dog will mean, if you refuse here.