To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

You’d source a dog ethically by adopting from dog’s trust, the opposite is unethically dropping one off there to spite an ex wife.

Yep, but that doesn't make her an eternal doormat with no rights, boundaries, wants or needs. The son came to live with them six months ago, she appears happy to share her home with him. She is not his mother, of course.

Her son doesn't actually need the dog, he wants it. Yes it will be comforting to him, no it is not abusive or wrong to say no to it.

If the father decides the dog is more important to his son's wants and needs than the OP having a fair and reasonable boundary, it will be up to him to leave the marriage.

This boy has been through so much.
i would take the dog, but as others have said emphasise he and DH must take responsibility for it.

If that poor child loses his dog because of you he will never forgive you and it will damage your relationship with your DH. Have rules about where the dog is allowed and who will walk the dog etc. but let the child have his dog. I am sure you will soon come to love it too!

So your thoughts are….
’If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.’
The poor dog can’t help its circumstances, how about some empathy for the stepson and his dog. He will not get over this if you deny him the one thing that has probably been his emotional support.

I don’t much like dogs, wouldn’t want one - so I do sympathise but think you should let the poor boy keep his dog. Whether or not you feel it’s giving in to manipulation from his mother isn’t his fault. Her behaviour is of course unacceptable but don’t spite him because of it. He’s been through so much already.

Has your husband seen this cold hearted side of you before.

I think as long as Dss is responsible for the dog, feeding, walking, cleaning up etc, you should be on board with it. This dog is obviously your sons lifeline and if you are still absolutely against it you should probably end the relationship. His father has to put his sons welfare first and foremost, Im afraid

If that poor child loses the dog he doesn't live with (that lives with his mother, that you had no part in buying him) because of his mother's actions he will never forgive her. He may also unfairly blame you, as he is an unhappy child. Your DH should not of course bully or coerce you or blame you, but he might, so your fair and reasonable boundary may well have repercussions for your marriage.

Fixed your comment for you.

I am not a dog person. But in this isntance ai would take the dog

Agree. Hes had a really rough time. I can tell you growing up i had some things going on and the only constant I had was my dog. She was there for me through so much. Im not sure I would have got through my teenage years without her. Genuinely.

Dont take this away from him. Its so hard being and growing up in this world it really is. He could be dealing with things in life and in his own mind you have no idea about.

This poor sod.

OP is not taking anything away from him. The dog doesn't live with them, she did not buy the dog and has had no part in him having the dog. It is his mother who is threatening to dump the dog.

I'd be telling DH that he has to take on all costs and care.

You would 100% deserve the wicked step mum title by not taking the dog.

I am on the dog's side in this. I presume it isn't a dangerous breed, you'd have said if it was and I wouldn't want that.

Just because the dog didn't come from a reputable breeder doesn't mean it is sick, lame or bad. Plenty of mongrels are hardy and make good pets.

Vet bills are high, it's a good idea to take out pet health insurance. Other than that all he needs is food, exercise and monthly flea and worm prevention which won't break the bank.

You might find you like the dog. Insist that your stepson takes some responsibility for it, training, walking, grooming and the like. Your husband too.

This dog is your stepson's friend, poor lad. He's been through enough without losing that.

My mother got rid of a beloved dog when I was a child. I’m in my thirties now and it still upsets me she did that . He was elderly and she “couldn’t cope”.

Take the dog. He’s a kid.

OP is not the mother, and is not getting rid of the dog. You're right that his mother would be to blame in this instance.

I wouldnt want the dog either, but you have been put in a very difficult position. I'd also be worried that the dog would be the thin end of the wedge & lead to more manipulation from this lad's mother. She'll be very pleased that you're having something you dont want imposed on you & will seek to score more points over you.

Unless it was a violent breed I would let him have it. If it's a bully type I'd put my foot down, but they can take it to dog classes and get it through Kennel Club bronze, silver and gold awards.

So full of your own self importance that you verbally abuse people you don't know because you are enraged at them making fair points and are forced to desperately attempt to be insulting because you have nothing reasonable to add.

I quoted myself because my first comment was correct and I wanted to add to it.

Unlike you, I acknowledge that other people have the right to disagree with me. And unlike you, I am capable of being rational, fair and empathetic when I make my point. I did not say that those who disagreed with me were loons, as you know, but acknowledged the loons would berate her and others As you have.

It's good you've quoted me as this will give my comments more attention.

Additionally, extremely standard is gramatically correct. Exremely is an adverb modifying the adjective "standard," indicating it is standard to a very great degree.

Deffo, if you end up having it imposed on you do not undertake any of the work associated with keeping this pet. They will have to feed it. walk it, clean up after it etc.

Of course I’d want the traumatised child to have his dog but a dog a big commitment. Can you say you are allergic and see if a neighbour/ friend or relative will have the dog so that DSS has access.

I hope, having had time to reflect, you can find it in your heart to let the dog become part of your family
To do anything else would be cruel