To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

Nope. I blame the mother from r her actions. I'd blame stepmother for hers, if and when she does them.

The traumatised abused child trumps the adult who doesn't want a dog. Obviously.

It’s OP’s home, the DH and his son can leave.

So why say OP Is the one getting rid of the dog? It’s the bio mum.

OP doesn’t want a dog to come in to her home. End of.

I didn't actually, someone else did. You've confused posts.
But I agree she would be contributing to his trauma by refusing to take his dog in.

@ThickOfThorns

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

#1 is apparently the issue here. Or is it?

#2 - Well, leaving aside #1, if the child's mother takes it to Battersea or the Dogs Trust (who would carry out all the health checks) I would consider that "sourced ethically" and you'd be cutting out the middle man, so to speak. Okay, so you wouldn't get the "breed that you'd chosen" - a Saluki, perhaps? - but #1 makes it pretty clear that you wouldn't even allow a guppy, so it's totally irrelevant.

#3 is all about you. Actually, all three points are, but this is the most honest. Maybe have a bit of a think about that?

Yes, back yard breeders are notorious for not caring at all. We were coaxed into taking a cat that had crossed eyes, years ago, from a back yard breeder. I did not want the cat, at all, but their friend pleaded with us to do so as the poor little thing didn't have a home and was being bullied by the other cats at home, they were not trying to sell it just rehome it. She begged and pleaded, and I am soft with animals, so we took it.

Eight weeks, two weeping children, and a lot of expensive vet bills later the poor thing was put to sleep. It had a rare brain disease, and the crossed eyes were one of the symptoms. Vet stated that the breeder almost certainly knew this when they gave it away.

I wouldn't touch an animal from a back yard breeder with a 20 foot barge pole, they are unethical in the extreme, as I discovered too late.

Biomum us only getting rid of the dog if it can't go to it's owner, the boy.
OP would be the one preventing it living with it's owner, and therefore would be causing/contributing to it being got rid of.

This isn't complicated. There's no scenario here where OP comes out with no dog but no responsibility for his distress.

You are being ridiculous. What do you even mean by ‘back yard breeder?’
There are thousands of perfectly healthy mixed breed dogs in the uk.
There are also thousands of pedigree dogs who have been bred and have terrible health issues.

I'd not take the dog.

The child's needs will be sorted out by the father, who can make his own decisions on his child, and OP can reasonably and ethically maintain her own boundaries and not be coerced and bullied into the care of a living creature she does not want. Obviously.

Sorry you went through that.

How many times has he seen the dog in the last 6 months while he has been living with you and having no contact with his mom?

Having a dog completely changes your life. Everyone seems to be piling on to OP who is just being really honest.
Having a dog means no spontaneous trips away, making sure someone is around to walk it, let it out, feed it. There are limits on where you can go for days out etc. What about if both OP and DH work full time- what happens to the dog during the day? Is the dog trained? Vaccinated?
is there a garden? Is it secure?
Does DH have time to walk the dog every day? How much walking does it need? What if DSS loses interest in the dog? What would happen if contact with Mum resumes and OP is left with a dog when DSS is not there…..
We have a dog - and I love her to bits. We had lots of pressure from our children and thought long and hard about the kind of dog we thought would fit in to our family. No regrets at all - but I completely understand OP’s point.
If DH is pushing on this - then it is fair for OP to expect DH and DSS to take full responsibility for the dog and all its needs.

I don’t like dogs, definitely don’t want one but in your circumstance i’d get the poor boy his dog back!!

Bio mum is the legal owner of the dog, not the child.

Bio mum is the one currently housing the dog.

Bio mum is the one getting rid of the dog.

It isn’t complicated.

Omg please don’t make him lose his dog, poor kid will never get over that!

You're between a rock and a hard place here OP, very difficult. You did not create this situation and you are not responsible for resolving it, but obviously you care about DSS who has had such a rough time and if you refuse the dog it will cause issues between you and DH and DSS.

But I think a lot of people here are being very flippant about what is involved in taking on a dog. I love dogs but would not have got one because I knew what was involved. As it turns out, I've inherited one. I love her to bits and she's really a very easy dog but it's expensive and really a pain in the neck a lot of the time as you can't just do what you want, dog needs walking twice a day, constantly having to clean floors because of hair, needs space for beds etc, not fair to leave her for long, needs to be planned around for holidays and she always wants attention! Plus she has had two very expensive medical issues so far. None of this is the dog's fault and so I do all this because she's a sweet dog and I loved the person she came from but sometimes I think about how life would be without her and ashamed to say I do a bit of counting down to how long she's likely to be with us.

My concern about the dog you may take on is that you will have all this, but also the dog has been living with someone who abused and neglected her own child, so I dread to think what sort of life the dog has been leading - this could mean behavioural issues as well.

It's all very well to say you need to make DH and DSS do everything but a traumatised kid is going to have a lot of needs himself so I don't think you can be coming down hard on him. As others have said, I suspect you will end up looking after the dog.

So I guess you need to think long and hard about this, but you are completely within your rights to say no.

Being physically and emotionally abused and neglected as a child and being removed and banned from seeing your mother changes your life a bit too.
But let's do focus on OPs possibilities for spontaneous trips away and the bother of walking it

And she married her husband knowing that he had a son.
If she can’t or doesn’t want to put her DSS needs first, as a traumatized child, then she and his father should not stay together.
MH is very important, but this poor child must come first.

Thank you, honestly it still upsets me. She was a lovely wee thing. The vet felt so sorry for us that he actually waived the cremation fees.

You could get the dog neutered if you're concerned about his health/more bad breeding. You can choose who you live with, and if you don't want to live with a stepson, that is fine. But as previous posters have said, they never got over it when their dogs were taken away, so if you do this to him (yes, maybe his mum's been awful, but now this is your decision), he probably won't want to live with you, and even if your partner stays, he might eventually resent you when his son grows up and won't see him. Some people, both adults and children, think of a dog as like a child. On the plus side, some people who didn't want dogs, but felt they had to have one for a partner, ended up being grateful if the dog protected the house, and apparently it's healthier to have a dog than to not have one.

I think your husband should move out and take his son and the dog with him. Your no 2 and 3 reasons make me think this isn't the right relationship for him to be in when he has a vulnerable child.

So full of your own sense of importance that you quoted yourself, and think that the 80% of people who disagree with you are loons.

Also, something can be standard or not standard. Not extremely standard.

Well it’s DH’s and DSS too, so not sure what your point is here.

Team dog here too and I don't even like dogs!