36 but don't want to be pregnant at my wedding

[YourLivelyRedBiscuit]

Just got engaged but we've been TTC for a year with nothing. Tests ultrasounds etc for both of us all come back fine. Only problem I could think is a blocked fallopian tube which I would like to get investigated....or just plain old bad luck.

My fiancé is upset that I want to pause TTC don't want to run the risk to be pregnant on my wedding day. We are planning to be married in the next six/seven months so just a small gap in the big scheme of things. He's stormed off now after telling him and I'm upset as I feel pressure from him. He always holds me when I cry when my period comes and tells me not to stress but the fact he is getting upset about a six month breather is upsetting me because I don't feel he is taking my needs or feelings into consideration. I don't want the risk of being sick or not fitting into my dress on the special day or feel restricted with food or drink. I also know that the wedding planning will stress me out anyway as well so I don't want to add to it.

I'm also annoyed in a way that he said he bought the ring nearly a year ago but only proposed the other day. Why sit on it for so long ? We could have been married by now?!

Aibu?

Going against the grain, I wasn’t massively stressed at 36. The baby question only became a more urgent topic for me at 38/39. I’d pause TTC and focus on my wedding day. It’s not just about drinking, it’s also the emotional toll, sickness, early pregnancy worries.

I would get your tubes checked asap and get on with ttc.
Put off getting married or do it in the next month or so.

I got married while 5 months pregnant (after TTC for 5 years and IVF treatment.) We had a very small wedding and we had a big party later down the line where I drank plenty of wine! To be honest I thought I would hate to be a pregnant bride but after everything we went through it was so special and beautiful- and I actually found a very flattering dress and felt great! Xx

I would want to be married before having a baby - although not to someone who "storms off", can't stand that kind of behaviour - so for me I would be booking the register office and getting that sorted while continuing TTC. It took me two years and at least one false start before a viable pregnancy, I was 37 by the time I had him. It's very stressful, which you don't need.

If you don't want a register office wedding but a big white one with all the whistles and bells, and you'd rather put off TTC until it's done, you've got your priorities rather skewed.

You've already been ttc for a year without being engaged?

So ok with having a baby before being married?

But not with being pregnant on WD?

Is bringing the wedding forward not an option?

Hi
I have a 16 month old and we are still BFing once a day. We previously had IVF and we have a FET. We’d like to transfer soon in case we need to do another egg collection etc.

the clinic have offered me a slot in December or January. I’d like to do the December slot as appointments easier to manage around work but I’m not sure we will have stopped feeding by then. Has anyone had an embryo transfer whilst still feeding?

What would you do?

This. I wouldn't either.

I have a friend whose husband was going to propose to her at the Magic Kingdom in Disney. She made an off-hand remark about how cheesy MK proposals are, so he didn't do it, and waited another eight months! I just think men have a relaxed timeline about this. After all, it's not THEIR biological clock that's an issue. As for not wanting to be pregnant on your wedding day, I totally get that, but men just don't THINK.

Six months matters when you're over 35, in terms of fertility. There's no reason why you can't have a baby and then have the kind of wedding you want a bit later. My cousin and his wife did this, with their toddler as a bridesmaid. It was totally fine. (They've been happily married for over twenty years now.)

The other option is to bring the wedding forward, if such a thing is possible. Would he be OK with a three-month gap?

I think it’s understandable that your partner is frustrated by your sense of priorities.

I think you've posted on the wrong thread!

Good luck tho! 💐

Why would a baby at 40 mean a definite C section or induction? And saying "they won't let you go over your due date" they might advise you not to go over it but its ultimately the pregnant woman's choice. They cant force you into being induced or having a C section. They wont drag a pregnant woman into theatre and cut her open against her will!

So glad someone picked up on this - definite c section? Forced induction? Ffs name one hospital in the UK that has that policy for pregnant women over 40!

It did sound a bit Handmaid’s Tale!! Apologies for the over zealousness of intent. Nobody is going to drag you in and hold you down of course. But you are heavily advised to not go over, so it is an added stress at the end of fertility treatment to consider. So just saying that if she waits there are other things that crop up that she may not have considered that might affect how she feels about things. Just attempting to give some future insight to help OP’s thoughts. I have always found it’s hard to plan a baby. They don’t fall into place on order.

Get married on the cheap and keep the ££ you would spend on the fancy wedding and look up the cost of ivf!!!

Over-reaction much? The vast, vast majority of brides do not want to be visibly pregnant on their wedding day, and many women want the protection of marriage before having children! Also she's only wanting to put it off for six months, not two years!

Fan yourself, open a window, and have a sit-down!

(I appreciate there can be fertiity issues at OP's age, in which case they should just have a registry office do asap and then a blessing or some such and a reception later. But I don't think what she wants is wrong - to be married first and not to be visibly pregnant at her wedding.)

Get married next month at a Registry Office. Put the money towards a wonderful party in the future.

Your biological clock (as well as some other factors which are affecting your fertility) can't wait.
Your eggs and such have a limited lifespan. Not saying that 36 is too old or 37 or 38, it's just that with every month that goes by, well... I don't have to tell you. You know.

Maybe I sound too non-traditional but, in my opinion, marriage is a legal contract and a wedding is just a party. They're both great things, they're both important... But neither of them has a biological deadline the same way that trying to conceive a child does.

If you guys have been trying for a baby for a while now, yeah, your fiance should have popped the question, gotten that marriage/wetting out of the way so that you guys could concentrate on starting your family. That's true.
And I can understand why you'd be annoyed, geez if he'd proposed half a year ago, you'd be done by now. Well, can't go back. Besides, again just my opinion but you do know that weddings don't have to be a gigantic huge thing right? There was another discussion that I was reading just earlier today about this very thing, about whether people believe that weddings are supposed to be traditional or is it okay to just do what you like.

And I'm all for doing whatever works best for the couple, which in this case because of your impending conception, might just be a small affair. Weddings don't have to be planned a year in advance and gigantic and expensive to be meaningful.
I wish you luck!

I wouldn’t wait at 36. You are already having issues conceiving.

I was pregnant when I got married - TTC for 2 years and referred to fertility specialists. Didn’t stop having unprotected sex but we weren’t having sex on specific days etc. Ended up pregnant naturally - wedding was booked for September (baby due end of September) so we moved it back to the June. I decided I would rather be pregnant by pp at my wedding. Good job really as I had really bad PND and PNA!

Thanks for your measured response. I agree that in hindsight that I shouldn't have snapped back the way I did; I feel very insecure about my inability to conceive quickly as my sister did (within three months of trying) . My sister also had a baby when she was a similar age to myself so never thought it would be an issue. My mother was my age minus one year when she had me. My grandma had my auntie at 39 and my great grandma had a baby at 48 (!) so assumed later motherhood would run in the family so to speak. I feel immense pressure ttc and I just wanted to have one nice day for my wedding without worrying about it but wanted a second opinion. I appreciate that I have come on to a forum asking for advice and I should have been ready to take it but frankly while I appreciate the honesty, a minority of the responses have been horrible and very upsetting. Maybe a case of can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen...but yeah... I feel judged for delaying motherhood but was also trying to do the right thing by having a mortgage, stable job and the right person first, the first of which being particularly difficult these days. Moreover, I was scared of having children for a while as my sister developed hormonal breast cancer after having a baby and I had to watch her go through that. Thanks for those of you who have given kind and helpful, measured responses (even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear) and I wish you a restful weekend. Thanks.

Sending you love, OP. I understand some of how you feel. It can feel nice to be able to plan something (wedding) amid the uncertainty and heartache of TTC. Wishing you all the very best x

This is really cruel.

This poster is absolutely correct that the post she’s referring to is completely unnecessarily horrible, and it’s normal to not want to be pregnant for your wedding. It’s true it may spoil the day. However it’s also clear from your posts that if you’re 40 and haven’t managed to conceive, you wouldn’t be thinking at least I had my wedding day, you’d be thinking I did this with my choices, that was so much the wrong decision, maybe we could have had a baby, and be mad at yourself. Many of the comments are trying to save you from lifelong regret.

I’ve reported this as a completely uncalled for and vicious personal attack. I hope you reread it before it disappears and are proud of yourself.

delaying motherhood but was also trying to do the right thing by having a mortgage, stable job and the right person first, the first of which being particularly difficult these days
It's not easy. I'd advise you to keep trying tc with your DH. If you are pregnant on your wedding day, ok not ideal for you, but you can have a party another time. If you have tried for a year and it hasn't happened, I wouldn't pause for a wedding.
It's a shame that women have to put off or stop having children because of economics. That's for another thread though.

Don't wait, it's not worth it. You can always postpone the wedding