36 but don't want to be pregnant at my wedding

[YourLivelyRedBiscuit]

Just got engaged but we've been TTC for a year with nothing. Tests ultrasounds etc for both of us all come back fine. Only problem I could think is a blocked fallopian tube which I would like to get investigated....or just plain old bad luck.

My fiancé is upset that I want to pause TTC don't want to run the risk to be pregnant on my wedding day. We are planning to be married in the next six/seven months so just a small gap in the big scheme of things. He's stormed off now after telling him and I'm upset as I feel pressure from him. He always holds me when I cry when my period comes and tells me not to stress but the fact he is getting upset about a six month breather is upsetting me because I don't feel he is taking my needs or feelings into consideration. I don't want the risk of being sick or not fitting into my dress on the special day or feel restricted with food or drink. I also know that the wedding planning will stress me out anyway as well so I don't want to add to it.

I'm also annoyed in a way that he said he bought the ring nearly a year ago but only proposed the other day. Why sit on it for so long ? We could have been married by now?!

Aibu?

People are giving real life experience. I have one friend who took 4 years to conceive her first child (started mid 30s), another had to go down the IVF route and it took years. I would carry on TTC and have a smaller wedding in the. Ext few months. I was in perimenopause before I turned 40 which isn’t too rare.

Have you realised that you don’t seem to care about his feelings? He holds you to cry every month, but what do you do to support him when he’s experiencing the same emotional pain? It sounds like he desperately wants a baby and you’ve decided that a wedding dress is more important to you. I think that’s quite a hard thing for him to accept.

I wouldn't wait that long either in these circumstances, sorry. Also if you take any contraception then it could take even more time for your body to get rid of it.

I would rather delay the wedding if that's that important to you, or do a simple ceremony at the registry and a bigger celebration after.

Now you’re being ridiculous, no-one has said that. You asked for opinions and you got them. It’s your decision but people are saying it’s risky to wait if you might need fertility treatment.

Saying that, your partner’s reaction is unfair. Given you’d be the one being pregnant then you ultimately get to decide if you stop TTC for a while.

You forgot dramatic.

It took me 4 years to conceive each of my babies at 28 and 34. If I’d started trying at 36, I doubt they’d be here. Don’t delay TTC for the sake of a party.

@YourLivelyRedBiscuit he’s being juevenille, take the break enjoy the wedding and come back to TTC after the wedding.

Is that the sort of tone you take with your partner?

I agree with everyone else, I’m in favour of marriage before babies so if you’re serious about both get married in the next couple of months, and carry on ttc.

My first took 3 years and I was younger than you are. We decided to ttc and get married, got married 4 months later, baby took an awful lot longer.

Get angry at the replies if you feel they’re unfair but you asked for opinions, many posters are sharing their own experiences and you’re being very defensive.

Surely you can see where he’s coming from if he sees you crying every month but suddenly you want 6 months off.

Very fair and well put.

I'm sorry to jump on the band wagon but I think you need to try not to take offence. People are giving their real life experiences. You came here for advice but maybe you aren't ready to hear it.

My DH proposed when I was 29. I postponed the TTC because of our upcoming wedding and I didn't end up having our first til I was 39.

My periods had always been normal so I assumed it would happen quickly for us. We were 'unexplained'.

IVF ended up in a miscarriage and then life kept throwing things at us meaning we postponed another round.

I eventually fell pregnant naturally at 38 and had her 6 months shy of my 40th birthday.

My advice is don't wait.

No, but do you really want a baby? I'm not being goady, its a serious question. I can't think of many women who desperately want to get pregnant, who at 36 and having TTC unsuccessfully for a year, would pause for 6 months to avoid being pregnant on their wedding day - and I say that as someone who went through infertility and IVF. I'm not surprised DP is upset.

In perimenopause at 37 👋

6 months could be the difference between conceiving or not.

If you were 26 I would say pause until after the wedding, but you ain’t Im afraid 🤷‍♀️.

Could your fiance just be really confused? One minute he's supporting you TTC and being devastated every month and the next he's been told you want to stop for 6 months when time isn't on your side for trivial reasons. I can understand why he got upset.

I would carry on TTC and investigations into fertility. There’s a surprising lack of sex while going through fertility treatments! You have to make sure you aren’t pregnant for tube tests, laparoscopies, even IVF! So start fertility investigations asap.

But it can take ages to get all the tests, surgeries and treatments you might need. If you start now and things go well, you could still be looking at a baby at 40. That means a definite C section or enforced inducing as they won’t let you go over your due date.

So it’s just people who have been through it saying that a wait of 6 months isn’t good. And who knows what a new govt or govt cuts could bring. They could crack down on free NHS fertility support completely.

It would be best to prioritise baby than a wedding.

I can understand your partner being upset. Your chances of conceiving will be getting lower every month. There's a chance he is thinking that this is just you completely giving up on trying too. If I was in your partners situation it would have me worried that you valued a nice day for a wedding over having a child together, which would be fine for some people but disappointing for someone if they thought their partner had different values.

Just be aware how long all the investigations and treatment will take if you need it and go down the NHS route. I would also worry they won't take you seriously if you say you have had a 6 month break.
We started trying at 32 and it took 2.5 years. Then for 2nd at 36 and it took over 3 years.

Bluntly, you’re too old to be worrying about that, if you really do want a baby.

Best idea ever. Just don’t have any kids. They’re right arseholes.

Definitely.

You don’t have time on your side especially if you have been TTC for 1 year with out luck - this may be classified as infertile.

If your partner really wants kids I can see why he’d be very upset. This wait May be the difference between a baby or none at all.

Who cares about fitting into a dress - you can always find something that fits if you go fall pregnant.

Btw no one has called you names apart from yourself - why did you do that?

Well no, you can still have the fabulous wedding party after the baby!

Agree with others, straight down to the registry office then crack on with TTC.

I’m 36 too but won’t start TTC until at least 38 (relationship too new, got 18 more months of long distance), so I’m fully aware that circumstances can impact when you can actually TTC. But delaying for a party? Not a wise move.

Best of luck.

Your body, your choice. I’d feel the same as you, but then all my friends were much older than you when they had their first so doesn’t seem out of the ordinary to me.

Can't you get married sooner? January/February time? Winter weddings are lovely.

Your finance knows that some people start menopause at 40 and that 38 isn't ridiculously young. You are already 36 and may need more intervention before you conceive. Time is not on your side if you really want a child.

This. We postponed TTC for a year whilst we planned our wedding and got married. Didn’t get pregnant until after our 4th wedding anniversary.

I think some people are being harsh, but ultimately if you really want a baby, I’d prioritise that. It might not even happen by the wedding. But I wouldn’t pause just in case. I have friends who put off TTC for similar reasons and they bitterly regret it.