36 but don't want to be pregnant at my wedding

[YourLivelyRedBiscuit]

Just got engaged but we've been TTC for a year with nothing. Tests ultrasounds etc for both of us all come back fine. Only problem I could think is a blocked fallopian tube which I would like to get investigated....or just plain old bad luck.

My fiancé is upset that I want to pause TTC don't want to run the risk to be pregnant on my wedding day. We are planning to be married in the next six/seven months so just a small gap in the big scheme of things. He's stormed off now after telling him and I'm upset as I feel pressure from him. He always holds me when I cry when my period comes and tells me not to stress but the fact he is getting upset about a six month breather is upsetting me because I don't feel he is taking my needs or feelings into consideration. I don't want the risk of being sick or not fitting into my dress on the special day or feel restricted with food or drink. I also know that the wedding planning will stress me out anyway as well so I don't want to add to it.

I'm also annoyed in a way that he said he bought the ring nearly a year ago but only proposed the other day. Why sit on it for so long ? We could have been married by now?!

Aibu?

Unexplained infertility, it took years to conceive through IVF. I cried every period for years. You sound as if you are blaming him because he “sat” on the proposal. If it comes down to it which is most important to you the wedding or a baby? If you never get pregnant would you think what if I hadn’t stopped TTC for the wedding? You may not be pregnant for the wedding. I would risk it and keep trying but you need to do whichever you think you will regret the least.

@YourLivelyRedBiscuit you need to do what you need to do…stress may well be impacting on you ttc , 1 year of trying is actually not that much at 36, and I think psychologically it is possible to hold ourselves back from ttc if we dont feel secure enough!

There is no way your behaviour is sustainable, it doesn't work to a timetable

You don’t sound concerned that you’ve not fallen pregnant after a year at mid thirties. I’d be more worried of thinking you’ve fertility issues and that can be a long difficult road ahead , rather than worrying about pregnancy on your wedding day. I would have not liked to be pregnant when getting married as I had morning sickness, lots of nausea and fatigue and had to have naps. Luckily we started trying before getting married and me at aged 30 thinking it would be a breeze only to find out IVF was our only chance. It’s difficult and waiting risks losing your chance for have any children. NHS waits are huge and you could be nearing 40 and still childless. Your decision x

I wouldn’t delay either. Weddings can be planned very quickly if you do fall pregnant

and yes the blocked fallopian tube is a significant issue. If you have to go down the IVF route many local authorities have an age cut off of 36. There is a reason for that …because success rates for ivf start to decline past that age. The NHS wait times for IVF are also long.

(I was infertile and nearly died from twice ruptured ectopics by age 36 so putting off TTC is a pretty emotive subjective for me)

I'd maybe just pause ttc to avoid having a wedding in the first trimester. I wouldn't have been able to physically stand at an alter between week 6 and 14 of pregnancy. Having said that, you might be fine. You generally don't get any symptoms for the first 6 weeks of pregnancy anyway so can always resume ttc, the month before your wedding.

But yeah time isn't on your side with being age 36, you can't really afford to wait I don't think.

Are you ok…? Why ask if you’re going to react like that at people giving an honest answer.

Gosh talk about a tantrum!!

This is one for counselling I think.

I wonder if he is angry because there is no plan. There is a problem and investigations havent solved it so he is thinking "Well lets crack on, it will solve itself" and he will feel like he helped fix it. A lot of men feel like that about emotional problems, not because they dont care but they see showing care as fixing whatever is wrong.

You being angry at the delayed proposal, well he obviously wasnt ready for whatever reason, but now are you thinking that if he had done it then you could still be TTC now?

You are both upset and angry at the fertility issues and are taking it out on each other.

This isnt insurmountable but to be honest I would put both TTC AND the wedding on hold until you have had some relationship counselling so you can come back together and work together. Sadly infertility can destroy even the best marriages, I have seen it in my own friends and family, so getting help now may help further down the line.

Oh that's not nice! WTF.

Gently I think you should focus on TTC. Would you rather have the wedding and potentially miss your window to get pregnant? Because that is a real risk you are running. if arranging a wedding will stress you out that much then just don’t do it. Have a registry office OFFICAL thing and plan a party when you’re ready.

"Just 6 months" but you have been TTC for a year with no success - when you say you want no stress would you also pause seeing fertility specialists etc? I would definitely not wait on that.

Wishing you all the best for your TTC journey.

I've been trying for over two years with my partner, and so far we have had 3 losses, including a ruptured ectopic which could have killed me.

I am five years younger than you.

In the last six months I've healed from emergency surgery, had a HSG, a chemical and am writing this about to do an injection for IVF (first round started a few days ago).

A LOT happens in 6 months in TTC, especially when you need help. If we had taken a break six months ago I would still be waiting for the HSG I needed prior to IVF. Instead, I'll be hopefully having my first transfer before Christmas. That's the real life difference in 6 months. And that's going private we would be a lot further back on the NHS.

You aren't too old to have a baby. Loads of people have babies in their late 30s with no trouble.

BUT if you haven't conceived in a year then you most likely do have some issues and then age becomes hugely important so 36 us much better than 38 for example.

You'd be mad to stop ttc. If you don't get pregnant you've at least tried for longer and can have a nice wedding before you look at further options. If you do then that will be great and you can have a nice wedding anyway.

In a similar position we postponed the wedding, we weren't running out of time to get married but we were old enough that we felt like it was now or never for a child. We did all the tests got diagnosed as unexplained infertility and were very lucky that IVF worked first try. We still haven't got around to getting married but we have a wonderful baby and are hoping to try for at least one more as we have frozen embryos.

Stopping TTC for 6 months would have stressed me out massively and given me something to worry about if we weren't successful, I'd always wonder if the delay made a big difference. That might not be a concern for you but getting on the same page as your partner is so important, you both need to be happy with whatever you choose to proceed with.

Well you’re certainly dramatic

A totally childish reaction op. People are assuming that you want a child but if you are lying ti your fiancé about that then you owe it to him ti tell him and let him find a woman who does. You have 3 years to conceive to have a baby before 40. 6 months is one sixth of that time cancelled. If you want a baby you’d be silly to pause ttc especially during the 36-38 window. It does get harder.

I agree with a PP - crack on TTC and just postpone the wedding if needs be, book things with that in mind (ie not a non-refundable venue etc). I think if you want a break from TTC for you - because it's hard and emotionally draining constantly being disappointed- I would tell him that. For info once you are over 35 statistically every month passing has an impact on your fertility. So it genuinely could prevent you from having your much wanted child. How about instead spending the next six months not trying hard but not preventing - no contraception but also no tracking fertile windows and ovulation etc, just enjoy being the two of you and engaged and see what happens. That could well be the key to conception too - entirely anecdotal but I have a number of friends who gave up TTC after a long time of trying and then got pregnant unexpectedly. Stress can inhibit your ability to get pregnant so if you are anxious about it all (which understandably you might be) i would just try to take it easier but not preventing anything.

I had my first ivf cycle at 35 and fell pregnant with twins giving birth when I was 36. Had 3-4 more ivf cycles when I was 36/37 as we wanted 3 or 4 - but never fell pregnant again. On the ivf journey I met a lot of women who were 36 plus and unfortunately success drops off then. It’s not great the way your partner is treating you, but at 36 I personally wouldn’t take the time off.

I wouldn’t stop. If you were a decade younger then sure but time isn’t on your side. You’re already struggling after a year, I don’t think you can afford to lose 6 months. Just have a smaller wedding as others have suggested.

Oh, grow up. If you’re doing to have a kid they’re the one who’ll get to have tantrums, not you.

By all means delay TTC if fitting into a fancy dress is the most important thing.

This honestly is kind but really isn't great advice for someone aged 36 who has tried to get pregnant unsuccessfully for a year.

Some people will fall pregnant if they just try a bit longer - but choosing to not seek further medical advice and 'see what happens' doesn't help that - it actually hinders some people's chances.

I have damaged fallopian tubes. I can relax and wait and see, and all that might ever happen is pregnancy loss.

Why didn’t YOU discuss getting married a year ago? Why not do it before TTC? I never understand why a woman has to “wait for a proposal” as if she’s in a bloody Jane Austen novel.

It's six months at a critical time. As you must know, fertility starts to decline dramatically after 35. You're cutting your chances of ever having a child. If that matters to your husband, it's understandable he's upset.

Just have the wedding later. DS was 5 when we got married and I loved him being there. If having a baby is important, that’s what you should focus on.