36 but don't want to be pregnant at my wedding

[YourLivelyRedBiscuit]

Just got engaged but we've been TTC for a year with nothing. Tests ultrasounds etc for both of us all come back fine. Only problem I could think is a blocked fallopian tube which I would like to get investigated....or just plain old bad luck.

My fiancé is upset that I want to pause TTC don't want to run the risk to be pregnant on my wedding day. We are planning to be married in the next six/seven months so just a small gap in the big scheme of things. He's stormed off now after telling him and I'm upset as I feel pressure from him. He always holds me when I cry when my period comes and tells me not to stress but the fact he is getting upset about a six month breather is upsetting me because I don't feel he is taking my needs or feelings into consideration. I don't want the risk of being sick or not fitting into my dress on the special day or feel restricted with food or drink. I also know that the wedding planning will stress me out anyway as well so I don't want to add to it.

I'm also annoyed in a way that he said he bought the ring nearly a year ago but only proposed the other day. Why sit on it for so long ? We could have been married by now?!

Aibu?

Op sorry I think 6 mths is a long time to put TTC on hold. A couple of months maybe but not 6 mths but also the first couple of months being pregnant can be rougher than 2nd tri.

That’s a horribly insensitive thing to say to someone who is struggling to get pregnant.

Tbh I think with that response and your partners response to wanting a 6mth break - I’d be reconsidering whether this is the right relationship to bring a child into.

my partner and I haven’t used contraception for 18 years and I have had a grand total of 1 pregnancy at 32 - and that was through IVF (unexplained infertility) - so I would strongly advise you

a) do not take your fertility for granted
b) start looking into options re assisted conception as the older you are the higher the chances it will not work
c) NHS IVF may not be available to you so if you are planning to self fund do you have funds for both a big wedding and IVF treatment

I was got pregnant in my 40s after trying for a few years, and with a wedding booked. My twins looked great enveloped in a big fitted white tent to show my big bump off. If I'd waited, I'd most likely never have had any kids. So boo hoo, I didn’t have a body to die for or drink all the champagne I possibly could that day. Lucky old me, I always think.

I had a child at 32 got pregnant easily- had another baby at 39 it was an absolute nightmare- 7 miscarriages, difficult times. Wasn’t easy at all. 36 six months counts.

Look at information on the British fertility society website. Your fertility is declining now if you are 36. Do you want to reduce your chances of conceiving for one (albeit special) day?

We continued to try to conceive and I was a pregnant bride at 36. No regrets.

No one is suggesting that, but simply acknowledging that every 6 months you wait, the chance of conceiving will decrease.

It is really tough to have to choose between two dreams, when we grow up thinking we will have everything perfect. But life doesn't happen that way, and it's a gamble.

And coincidentally it is not vain to want your wedding a certain way. However, you should acknowledge that delaying TTC IS a trade off which will impacting chance of conception. So, frankly, what is more important? There is not a wrong answer, but you and your husband-to-be need to be in agreement.

I don't think that but I don't think your priorities are in order. Weddings are one day - a (hopefully) gorgeous day you'll look back on with real happiness, but one day. Having a baby when you really want one is about the shape of the rest of your life.

As you haven't conceived so far there's no guarantee you'd be heavily pregnant at the wedding anyway. You COULD be very pregnant in which case what a lovely thing - to look back and know your unborn baby was with you. You might not be pregnant at all but then you'll be further down the line in both testing AND trying (I have no experience of investigations into fertility issues but I'm fairly sure at this early stage they absolutely wouldn't recommend stopping for half a year). If you don't feel like you want to do a wedding while potentially pregnant for some reason but DO want to be married irst, you could just get married at the register office, or do that and then have a big party later if that's what you're keen on.

I know in an ideal world you'd like to have a wedding day where you look and feel your best and potentially not with a bump, AND have the baby you want when you want them. But unfortunately it's not an ideal world and statistically, taking a big gap now just makes it slightly less likely for you. It depends on your priorities - I think your partner is upset that the wedding itself feels like the priority for you.

Six months out of what are probably your last few years of potential fertility - thats a huge proportion of your limited remaining chances that you’re proposing to give up.

If you’re atruggling with fertility I would be saving your monwy for IVF.

I was 3 months pregnant on my wedding day. My dress fitted perfectly (first baby’s often don’t “pop” until more 25 weeks plus) and had an amazing day. And that baby loves looking at my wedding photos and knowing that he was there too (3 year olds can be so sweet sometimes… sometimes…)

I definitely wouldn’t wait in your situation.

Honestly I wouldn’t wait. If you ended up unable to conceive I think you’d kick yourself. You could always get married after the baby is born if you did get pregnant. Personally I think delaying a possibly difficult journey to children isn’t a choice I would make.

Your fiancé probably thinks you’re risking not being able to have children so you look nice in a dress for one day.

Maybe the OP wasn’t aware that late 30s has implications on actually getting pregnant. And all these stories are a bit of a shock to her?
its still medically a ‘geriatric’ pregnancy if the mother is over 40 isn’t it? There’s medical reasons for that. It’s not judging it’s facts.

OP I suggest you look up some fertility facts and have some conversations with your fiancé. You need to be a team to bring up a baby together.

What a ridiculous comment. FWIW I think you'd be mad to postpone TTC for a wedding day.

Well are you sure you even want to marry your partner and have a baby with him?
You sound like you are throwing a tantrum about not having a perfect day, without even considering how he might feel. He is the one consoling you when you are apparently disappointed when your period arrives, yet you seem more concerned over looking good on your wedding day. If I was him I would be wondering why I was with you with these strange priorities!

You asked if you were being unreasonable. Everyone says you are, no-one has been rude but you have responded petulantly.

I think your partner ought to be reconsidering whether you are the right one for him, given your different priorities!

35 is geriatric pregnancy btw (no offence as I was one myself).

He always holds me when I cry when my period comes

Honestly you’ve been trying for a year and are (understandably) upset each month when your period comes - I personally don’t understand why you’d wait given the risk for a lot more potential distress.

This ♥️♥️♥️

Dresses can be chosen with the plan that they may need to be altered. No reason you can't drink normally. Maybe chose a late in the day time do you can take it slow if you aren't feeling well.

OP don't wait. I went through menopause at 37.

I wouldn't view the pause as only six months when you are already struggling to conceive and are the wrong side of 35. The wedding can be postponed if needed.

Ouch! No you’re not, but biology waits for no one and you’re already struggling to conceive? I am a bit older than you and know so many people who waited for the right time and then couldn’t have a baby or not without very expensive emotionally draining IVF. Unfortunately it’s just the reality. You might look back and wish you had a big wedding sure, but it’s one day you would be giving up. Versus a child which changes your life forever. If you’re already TTC then you know that feeling of desperately wanting a baby. Not sure anyone has ever felt the same strength of feeling about a wedding. It would be different if you were 25 or 30, absolutely pause, but you might be gambling your chances of having a baby at all, ever, on this pause. Is it worth it?

why not have a registry wedding to get the legalities sorted before having a baby and then press on with TTC and have the big wedding later and hopefully have your child there?

If you’ve only just got engaged, is there a dire need to get married right away? I say that as someone who’s been engaged for 3 years with my partner, we’ve prioritised having a family before a wedding, because 1. Time isn’t so much on our side in our 30s, and cost wise we’d rather pay towards getting our family and have done that with private testing etc. And 2. We would love for our child to be present at our wedding whether that’s as a baby or a toddler or so on. I know on paper 6 months really doesn’t sound like a lot of time, and if I was in my 20s I’d agree with you in a heart beat, but mid 30s and many loses later, I’ve realised how precious time is when ttc as we age. I think you’re somewhere in between over reacting and not over reacting. It’s a hard place to be in