Adult DD not going to parents for birthday as they organised other event

[cotswoldsblue]

I’d love some mum advice on if I’m AIBU ♥️

I’m turning 26 on Saturday and my father and brother have a seasonal hobby, let’s say golf but it’s not. They often organise weekends around it in the countryside, where my parents live, during the season.

Last year my birthday fell on a Friday and I was invited up to see my parents. I didn’t get a message from them for the entire Friday- I think as they were frazzled preparing an evening meal for the golf group that were turning up. They of course said happy birthday when I arrived in the evening, and I had a meal with the group that was three courses and lovely- but something in the back of my mind thought it would have been nice to get a message from them that day, or a cake or cards to acknowledge it was my day, with the meal… I did get gifts the next day.

This year they’ve organised another golf weekend and my birthday falls on Saturday. My father, brother and the golf group will be out all day, so I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery. She said absolutely not as she was spending all day preparing the dinner for the golf group.

I don’t see to be honest why they need an elaborate meal when they get back- maybe if there was nothing else going on, but it’s my birthday as well. Can’t we just put a few cottage pies in the oven, for example, which would take a couple of hours, and a pre done cake for everyone? I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year. I don’t mind them organising the weekend on that date as the window is limited.

I’d rather spend the day with my friends in the city and come in the evening, and hinted that to my mother, but she seemed upset at that and I don’t drive, so would need to be picked up from the train station which is extra hassle. AINBU or do I need to grow up? :)

I’m afraid you (and so many others) need to read the OP’s update before sharing your hot takes.

Nah, there are hundreds of other days in a year when mum and daughter can be together if this one day is otherwise accounted for by her mother. (Especially as it'd involve breaking off to pick up OP from the station whereas any other day I bet it'd be a pleasure.)
Just seems to me that there’s totally unnecessary pressure here over one day, not justifiable unless it were her 21st or her 40th, to my mind.

But if you reckon the mum is really ‘too stupid’ to realise that every second counts now, and that she must always drop everything to spend time with her grown up daughter, then I don’t know what is to be done. Legislation, perhaps?

Whether she is offended or not is irrelevant - they should not be planning whole day events on the same day as a family birthday if they actually want to spend time with you.

I wouldn’t bother going!

I think your family are being unkind and selfish. They expect you to travel to them for YOUR birthday but refuse to do anything nice for you or out you first. That’s really sh!tty of them. I wouldn’t go and tell them exactly why you won’t. You need to call them out on their behaviour.

Thanks all
I spoke to my mum saying I didn't see how they'd have the time for me, and she seemed surprised and a little hurt and that the meal in the evening was a nice enough treat as I do know some of the guests (they're not my friends though, they're my brother's friends). It's a tricky situation as of course a nice fancy dinner is fine for a late twenties birthday, and I could get a taxi from the station in the evening as they'll be too busy to pick me up... I just feel I've rejected my parents' invitation and prioritised friends. It's not the first birthday of course I've spent without them at age 26 of course, but it's because it falls on a weekend they felt it might be practical for me to do so. I did explain it was the lack of any contact like a WhatsApp or call last year before I arrived up there at around 9pm that felt a bit hurtful, and she just explained they'd been busy preparing the dinner but with no apology. It's not something that's a huge drama of course but nice to hear that you all thought it's okay to bin my parents' invitation! 💋

If it was for your birthday they would have invited people who are your friends. This is just bolting your birthday onto an existing event. There should be no guilt involved in choosing to meet up with people who want to celebrate you on your birthday.

It's really good that you've addressed this with your mum and have a bit more clarity.

...she just explained they'd been busy preparing the dinner but with no apology.

She's really not prioritising you on your bd at all, is she? Which may be hurtful, but allows you to make future decisions without guilt or feelings of being beholden. And not just about your birthday.

She seemed a little hurt

I'd look at that again. Was she really hurt, or just surprised and a bit put out that you weren't going along with their plans as you usually would? Surprised and put out that you had questioned the status quo, which is that nothing is changed just because it's your birthday. No one is too busy to text/phone their DD on her birthday. Or to send a card in advance. She chose not to. She has other priorities.

I just feel I've rejected my parents' invitation and prioritised friends.

I think that's what you've been taught to feel. To take blame onto yourself where there is none.

i think you’re at a perfect age to see these family dynamics for what they are and truly shift focus to your own life and the life you can create for yourself. I hope you have a great birthday with your friends.

As an adult, you do not have to go to your family for every birthday. Do what YOU want to do.

Your mum was likely mildly surprised/slightly offended at your changing the status quo as this suggests a level of dissatisfaction but “you’ve never said anything!!”

Don’t worry about it. Your mum is too busy to be offended for long!!!

Oh goodness I can guess the activity & it’s a pretty selective group; all very good if your into it but boring fuck if your not but come on your their daughter give you some time to celebrate it’s not fair being second best.
But if I were you I’d say sod it im going out with friends & id spend the day & night with people who actually want to celebrate with me not their crusty shooting chums

I just feel I've rejected my parents' invitation and prioritised friends.

which exactly what your family have done to you! @cotswoldsblue

go out with your friends and if there’s any cats bum mouth stuff going on, TELL THEM!

”last year I got no texts or calls or any kind of communication all day, I get invited to share the golf people dinner and felt like a total afterthought. So this year I’ll make my own plans and spend the day with people who want to be with me”

Yeah, you need to do your thing.
I speak as a mum of 20s DS, who I insist, does as he chooses on his birthdays and christmas'. I spent years trying to please everyone and would never want him to go through the same.

They don't seem to care about your birthday so I would not be going. They can't expect you to go to them if they are not going to celebrate it.

So what if your mum is offended. Tell her you are offended that she isn't interested in celebrating your birthday with you and that the "golf boys" always get prioritised.

Have fun with your friends.

Is your brother in a shooting syndicate? Seems strange that your mum facilitates his hobby by creating lavish meals for his hobby group, but isn’t interested in doing something separate for you.

Exactly that.

Stop waiting around to come first, that boat shipped a while back.

Who cares if she is?

If she wants to dedicate her day to cooking huge meals, that’s her choice. She doesn’t get to dictate how you spend your birthday.

If she says anything tell you’re a grown woman, and would like your birthday to actually be about you and not your dad’s mates and their hobby. So you’re going to celebrate with your friends.

Go out with your friends. You have no idea what a relief it us for us ancient parents when the kids finally grow up.
And Happy Birthday!
And another time, can't you take a taxi from the station?

But isn’t being a grown woman about being kind to your parents and compromising? She is of course making a nice dinner that I’d be part of and I’ve rejected that. It turns out they’d got me presents they were going to give me at some point too.

I just think she has to understand it’s not kind spending so much time on this event to my detriment if they’ve invited me to come and visit. I actually don’t mind it happening on my birthday, just taking up the whole day? Cook something quick for the evening! :)

What was your childhood like? I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks you're not really coming across like a grown woman when it comes to your relationship with your parents, and that it's probably due to how they raised you. Why are you letting them treat you like this?

I think you need to stop with the hints. Say mum its my birthday, and id like some fuss so do you want to come out for the day with me.

If she says oh no golf group.. fine see your friends. Its your birthday, its ok for you at least to put you first

Like what? I’m an adult, why am I complaining my birthday isn’t all about me and refusing to compromise for my parents in their 60s :)

Thank you for validating my feelings though guys. That I’m not being childish and over dramatic, well maybe I am still worrying about it and not making my own decision

I bet this is shooting! The shoot lunch is always a big event.
see your friends on the day then see your family another weekend. Have a happy birthday. X

Go out and have fun with your friends, you could see your parents on the Sunday or the weekend after