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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DD not going to parents for birthday as they organised other event

326 replies

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:21

I’d love some mum advice on if I’m AIBU ♥️

I’m turning 26 on Saturday and my father and brother have a seasonal hobby, let’s say golf but it’s not. They often organise weekends around it in the countryside, where my parents live, during the season.

Last year my birthday fell on a Friday and I was invited up to see my parents. I didn’t get a message from them for the entire Friday- I think as they were frazzled preparing an evening meal for the golf group that were turning up. They of course said happy birthday when I arrived in the evening, and I had a meal with the group that was three courses and lovely- but something in the back of my mind thought it would have been nice to get a message from them that day, or a cake or cards to acknowledge it was my day, with the meal… I did get gifts the next day.

This year they’ve organised another golf weekend and my birthday falls on Saturday. My father, brother and the golf group will be out all day, so I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery. She said absolutely not as she was spending all day preparing the dinner for the golf group.

I don’t see to be honest why they need an elaborate meal when they get back- maybe if there was nothing else going on, but it’s my birthday as well. Can’t we just put a few cottage pies in the oven, for example, which would take a couple of hours, and a pre done cake for everyone? I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year. I don’t mind them organising the weekend on that date as the window is limited.

I’d rather spend the day with my friends in the city and come in the evening, and hinted that to my mother, but she seemed upset at that and I don’t drive, so would need to be picked up from the train station which is extra hassle. AINBU or do I need to grow up? :)

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 19/11/2025 18:01

If your mum really wanted to spend the day with you, she wouldn’t be cooking for the golf crowd. She doesn’t get to be upset that you aren’t going if she’s not willing to actually make an effort.

Askingforafriendtoday · 19/11/2025 18:08

TeeBee · 19/11/2025 12:23

You're 26. Go and organise your own celebrations.

This. I'm afraid you need to grow up as you asked

ParmaVioletTea · 19/11/2025 18:12

If your family can't be arsed to celebrate your birthday, then go out with your friends!

Willyoujust · 19/11/2025 18:12

Absolutely no way would I be spending my bday preparing a three course meal for my dad, brother and all of their mates!! Go and do what you want to do! It’s your bday! Would spend it with my friends xx

Howwilliknow122 · 19/11/2025 18:12

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 19/11/2025 12:26

Go out with your friends instead, your 26 not 6. See your family another weekend.

What an offensive comment. So what if shes 26 and not 6. Op wants to do something with her mum , which is really nice and mum is too stupid to spend the day with her daughter, would rather be at home cooking for others then be with her child (what ever age )

Coconutter24 · 19/11/2025 18:12

Yeh I agree you need to grow up lol. If your mum is offended then that’s on her. I personally wouldn’t be offended as it’s a busy day and I’d understand it might not be how you want to spend your birthday.

Schoolchoicesucks · 19/11/2025 18:15

Celebrate with your friends on your birthday. Invite your parents/brother to celebrate with you another time when they are free.

MyMiniMetro · 19/11/2025 18:21

Can’t understand why the big meal is for the “golf” party and not for you - it being your birthday and all??? Your family seriously doesn’t like you very much. Giving you cards and presents the next day when you are in the same house on your Birthday- WTF?! Move away, hang out with friends, keep these people at arm’s length. It seems your mum is being put-on too so maybe take her with you 🤷‍♀️

Waitingfordoggo · 19/11/2025 18:21

I feel sorry for your Mum in all this- she sounds like a martyr. If you would like to see your Mum, invite her to where you live and you could go out for lunch or dinner together. Means you get to celebrate your birthday with your Mum AND she gets to avoid catering for the men- they can order a takeaway.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 19/11/2025 18:29

I think they should make the effort to come and visit you if they want to see you on your birthday.

YourWildAmberSloth · 19/11/2025 18:42

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:35

Guys I literally don’t want to go, people are still making comments about waiting around for my parents at 26 and not planning my own day 😆 I was asking if you were my mum would you be offended at me not coming? I don’t think she gets to be

She might be offended, I personally wouldn't, but that doesn't mean that you are being unreasonable. She'll get over it - just cut the apron strings and do your own thing.

Prelim · 19/11/2025 18:56

I don’t think I had spent a birthday with my parents since I was 18. Even then I went out with my friends in the evening. My parents had never been bothered about it!

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 19/11/2025 19:07

If they’re not doing anything special for you, it’s not reasonable of them to be unhappy you might choose other plans.
Your birthday - your choice!

BuildbyNumbere · 19/11/2025 19:13

I’d do something with hour friends and not go up … say you’ll see them another weekend when they are not so busy.

Julimia · 19/11/2025 19:17

Yes you need to grow up. Go out with your friends. Perhaps you could arrange something with parents on a different day?

Phoenixfire1988 · 19/11/2025 19:39

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:35

Guys I literally don’t want to go, people are still making comments about waiting around for my parents at 26 and not planning my own day 😆 I was asking if you were my mum would you be offended at me not coming? I don’t think she gets to be

You're right she doesn't get to be offended the days never about you or your birthday but the golf group, its a total waste go out with your mates and if she takes the hump tell her you didn't fancy yet another year with a bunch of strangers from the golf club you actually wanted to enjoy your birthday this year .

Pherian · 19/11/2025 19:44

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:21

I’d love some mum advice on if I’m AIBU ♥️

I’m turning 26 on Saturday and my father and brother have a seasonal hobby, let’s say golf but it’s not. They often organise weekends around it in the countryside, where my parents live, during the season.

Last year my birthday fell on a Friday and I was invited up to see my parents. I didn’t get a message from them for the entire Friday- I think as they were frazzled preparing an evening meal for the golf group that were turning up. They of course said happy birthday when I arrived in the evening, and I had a meal with the group that was three courses and lovely- but something in the back of my mind thought it would have been nice to get a message from them that day, or a cake or cards to acknowledge it was my day, with the meal… I did get gifts the next day.

This year they’ve organised another golf weekend and my birthday falls on Saturday. My father, brother and the golf group will be out all day, so I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery. She said absolutely not as she was spending all day preparing the dinner for the golf group.

I don’t see to be honest why they need an elaborate meal when they get back- maybe if there was nothing else going on, but it’s my birthday as well. Can’t we just put a few cottage pies in the oven, for example, which would take a couple of hours, and a pre done cake for everyone? I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year. I don’t mind them organising the weekend on that date as the window is limited.

I’d rather spend the day with my friends in the city and come in the evening, and hinted that to my mother, but she seemed upset at that and I don’t drive, so would need to be picked up from the train station which is extra hassle. AINBU or do I need to grow up? :)

Sounds like a controlling situation. If you do something on your day it will upset your mother. If you do what they want it will be unfair to you.

I think you just need to let them know to enjoy their golf weekend and you would love to get together as a family another weekend.

You’re not young forever - go enjoy your friends.

It doesn’t matter if she’s offended, it’s not your problem.

Notsurewhatisnormalanymore · 19/11/2025 19:59

Perfect opportunity to end this prolonged going home for your birthday. Spend it with your friends and treat yourself to a takeaway at night. If your mother gets annoyed remind yourself that it’s unfair to expect someone to come to your home for their birthday when you are prioritising another event! This happened for a reason and it’s to get you out of going.

Millytante · 19/11/2025 20:02

You are 26 years old! Good grief, let them enjoy their ‘golf’ pleasures as they please.
Do your own thing. No necessity for guilt or resentment on either side.

Millytante · 19/11/2025 20:06

Howwilliknow122 · 19/11/2025 18:12

What an offensive comment. So what if shes 26 and not 6. Op wants to do something with her mum , which is really nice and mum is too stupid to spend the day with her daughter, would rather be at home cooking for others then be with her child (what ever age )

Edited
Show quote history

And that’s most offensive to the mum, who might well enjoy this mystery activity herself. (Why this family is so uptight about a late-20s birthday is beyond me.)

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/11/2025 20:08

Absolutely you should go out with your friends! Why go to your parents for your birthday when they aren’t even making it remotely about you?

Say to them - oh I’ll come another day when you haven’t got something else going on.

Umy15r03lcha1 · 19/11/2025 20:10

your mum has no right to be offended, she’s already made plans for the day which are not around you or your birthday.

Howwilliknow122 · 19/11/2025 20:10

Millytante · 19/11/2025 20:06

And that’s most offensive to the mum, who might well enjoy this mystery activity herself. (Why this family is so uptight about a late-20s birthday is beyond me.)

Show quote history

Why is it offensive to the mum? She is being stupid. Your child wants to spend the day with you!! Say yes. You wont get these days again.. trust me

TheWildZebra · 19/11/2025 20:12

Voted YABU solely because you have the option to spend time with your friends on your BD.

Gagaandgag · 19/11/2025 20:17

Just don’t go and don’t contact them. Wait for them to get in touch.
Your mum sounds like she loves playing host for the shooting party