Aibu? Mum visiting…

[snowydays99]

I live a 3 hour drive from my parents, my mum has gotten into a habit of visiting 2/3 times a year for a week at a time. We have a very small house, so has to sleep on a air bed in the lounge so as you can imagine nobody really gets any space while shes visiting.
It was fine when DC were little and didn’t have school, they would keep her busy and she was quite happy to entertain them etc and everyone got on.
Now they are school age, she insists on coming when they are at school despite us saying half terms or weekends are much better for us.
My husband & my mum don’t get along at all, unfortunately they fell out and my mum has said quite harsh things to him in the past that were really uncalled for.
It’s also coming up to the 1 year anniversary of my husbands dad passing away and as you can imagine his emotions are running high.
I explained again to my mum that it was a difficult time of year for DH and that this visit would need to be shorter or if anything, could she come after Christmas when the kids are off school. She completely ignored that and decided to book her train tickets for a week.
My husband is admittedly annoyed with me for allowing this (unfortunately she booked her tickets without saying anything to me and couldnt get a refund or change them apparently) he is saying she should of respected what we asked and he feels like she’s deliberately not giving him space on purpose.
Would I be wrong to tell her when she comes that this is the last time she can do this and from going forwards can only come for 3 days maximum? she uses the train as a excuse saying if shes coming all this way it needs to be a week for it to be worth it, but the train is much shorter compared to driving!
(My husband says 3 days is okay but after 3 days tension starts to run high and he isn’t wrong, she loves a moan and can be quite difficult and it causes us to aruge.)

I haven’t voted because you’re both. You are unreasonable for allowing this to continue, but not unreasonable for wanting it to change.

Your mum knows you won’t stand up to her. You need to tell her there is no space for her at your house and stick to it. She booked train tickets without making sure it was ok - that’s on her, not you. If it was the opposite way round and it was your MIL, people would be saying you have a DH problem and that he should be supporting his wife etc.

If you still want her to visit, suggest she books a hotel or nearby air bnb - but there is no option to stay at your house from now on.

my Instinctive reaction is to tell her she’ll just have to rebook the tickets as the timing wasn’t agreed in advance. You already told her it wasn’t convenient and she ignored you and booked what she wanted anyway. She’ll have to lose the money she’s paid for the train tickets as she didn’t consult you. ‘Mum, I love you and will really love to see you during the school holidays but the time you’ve booked just doesn’t work. Yes, it’s unfortunate you’ve lost the money on the cost of the tickets but that timing just doesn’t work’. And repeat. I’m not one for advising a fall out abd I love a good compromise but your mum isn’t giving you any room for that. It’s her way or the highway by the sounds of it

Unfortunately too late for that as shes coming today! Dh is in a stinker of a mood.
But I will tell her this and say to book an air b&b in future, she did originally do this when my dad visited with her and it was great but hes not been well and cant do the traveling side now. she uses the excuse that its to costly just for her.

Just seen this. You need to tell her to book a new ticket for 3 days time, OP. You can do it firmly but nicely, I’m sure! It’s so unfair on your poor husband. His wishes are just being ignored. If you don’t put some boundaries in place there’s going to be an even bigger falling out

Book her a hotel now op!

I don't blame your DH for being in a stinker of a mood. If she's coming today, I'd be telling her that I'd told her this wasn't a good time, that it's very hard for DH with the first anniversary of his Dad's passing, and she'll have to take us as she finds us, and I'm really quite annoyed. Further to that, I expect her to be sensitive to DH's loss, and pull her head in with him. And that going forward, any trip is to be pre-agreed and no more than three days, or there will be no room at the inn.

Bloody mothers!

And maybe take this time to have a rethink about visits generally. Instead of 2x weekly visits a year, suggest 4x 3 day visits

But her a ticket home for Thursday.
This isn’t fair on your DH at all.

yep, what’s her plans all day if everyone’s out at work and school?

You need to book your mother a hotel or room somewhere else, she is being very rude and you need to stand up to her.
I feel really bad for your husband, your mother is being very unreasonable ans so are you allowing this.

I’d be annoyed too. In future when she starts making noises about visiting, give her set dates that suit you - mum, you can come on X Y or Z days but that’s it. If she says they don’t work for her then she doesn’t get to come. If she goes ahead and books tickets regardless then she gets them refunded or loses the money. Be firm and set boundaries.

I actually went to theirs with my dc in the summer for two weeks (they are happy for me to stay long as we want as they have the room, dh doesnt go to theirs so it all worked out rather nicely.) and explained it would be easier for us to have a longer stay with them and then skip the visit she usually does this time of time!
I know in hindsight I should of immediately told her she cannot come but I was taken back at the way she did it. Feel like now I have to take her out of the house every day to keep her out of DHs way (hes currently off work with stress. Think hes only just starting to process his loss.)

Do you visit her? Or is this how she ensures she still sees you?

Either way she needs to stay elsewhere, or not at all. If money is the issue then how does your DH feel about contributing to the Airb&b cost?

For this visit I’d buy her a ticket for Friday and tell her she’s going home - you already told her it was inconvenient.

Edit - I see you visit her for a decent stretch. She’s completely unreasonable. And if your DH is actually off work unwell then you’re unreasonable to allow her to intrude - how would you like your mother in law setting up camp in your living room and picking on you when you were that unwell you couldn’t work?!

Pay for a one way ticket home in a few days time.

I work flexi-hours so Ive worked extra at the beginning of the week & can work on the evenings from home when dc are home, and dh is currently on sick leave. Thinking I need to change my hours to more permanent shifts so she can’t just do this! She doesn’t behave like this towards my sisters but they don’t have children so probably why she doesn’t want to stay at theirs.

Just tell her no!
'mum you booked your tickets without confirming. It doesn't work for us and you cannot stay here. If you are still intending on coming I suggest you book an Airbnb, ill send you some links.'

your poor husband should not have to put up with your interfering and entitled mother who tramples over everyone else's boundaries.

She can't hang around the house whilst your husband is off sick and grieving, she needs to go home tomorrow, it's his home and they don't get on.

Yes, think I might have to say to her when she gets here that I will rebook her return ticket to go home on Sunday so she at least gets one day with dc. Dh is refusing to leave our bedroom for her entire visit. I will not let her push him around, the stupid thing is she moans when her mum stays at theres (my dad doesnt get on with my nan very well!) and they only have to stay 2 days maximum so why she thinks she can get away with doing this to us is a mystery.

No. You need to send her home.
Buy her ticket and take her to the station.
Tell her it’s not a good time. End of.
Your poor DH…

I’ve suggested it above, but I really do think you need to have a polite but firm word with your mum once she’s settled in (ie not in the first 5 minutes, just to keep the peace!) saying that she needs to keep the visit to 3 days as DH is really struggling. She’ll just have to pay for a new train ticket. It’s not the end of the world. If she bangs on about the cost, just this once I would probably end up paying for the new ticket myself just to get it dealt with, but not another time!

What kind of ticket did she book? Isn't it usually cheaper to get an open return?

You really can't let her decide how long she's staying in these circumstances. You'll absolutely have to tell her

As painful as it is maybe when she arrives you need to take her out for a coffee where you explain she cannot stay and take her back to the train station. Don't risk your marriage.

they only have to stay 2 days maximum so why she thinks she can get away with doing this to us is a mystery.

She gets away with it because you've always given in and let her. DH is already off work with stress and you haven't stood up to her, adding to the stress.

Your DH has a DW problem and you handwringing on MN isn't going to change that.

No she got a normal return, she just books whatever is the cheapest tickets without much thought on days and how long it actually means staying.
Yes I am thinking I will have to sit her down & explain properly tonight about dh. He has been great all year and then it’s just suddenly hit him out of the blue a few weeks ago. Him retreating to our bedroom for a week really isn’t going to help matters as hes not sleeping properly etc.

You are being so unreasonable to your DH.
Get her gone asap. She won’t like it, but you have a marriage to protect.