Aibu? Mum visiting…

[snowydays99]

I live a 3 hour drive from my parents, my mum has gotten into a habit of visiting 2/3 times a year for a week at a time. We have a very small house, so has to sleep on a air bed in the lounge so as you can imagine nobody really gets any space while shes visiting.
It was fine when DC were little and didn’t have school, they would keep her busy and she was quite happy to entertain them etc and everyone got on.
Now they are school age, she insists on coming when they are at school despite us saying half terms or weekends are much better for us.
My husband & my mum don’t get along at all, unfortunately they fell out and my mum has said quite harsh things to him in the past that were really uncalled for.
It’s also coming up to the 1 year anniversary of my husbands dad passing away and as you can imagine his emotions are running high.
I explained again to my mum that it was a difficult time of year for DH and that this visit would need to be shorter or if anything, could she come after Christmas when the kids are off school. She completely ignored that and decided to book her train tickets for a week.
My husband is admittedly annoyed with me for allowing this (unfortunately she booked her tickets without saying anything to me and couldnt get a refund or change them apparently) he is saying she should of respected what we asked and he feels like she’s deliberately not giving him space on purpose.
Would I be wrong to tell her when she comes that this is the last time she can do this and from going forwards can only come for 3 days maximum? she uses the train as a excuse saying if shes coming all this way it needs to be a week for it to be worth it, but the train is much shorter compared to driving!
(My husband says 3 days is okay but after 3 days tension starts to run high and he isn’t wrong, she loves a moan and can be quite difficult and it causes us to aruge.)

I’m not surprised your husband is in a bad mood. I’d be furious with you if I was in his shoes because you will not deal with this situation at all, even after she’s been rude to him in his own home and he’s having a hard time regarding his own dad’s death. You absolutely could have put a stop to this already and you haven’t bothered and instead expected him to put up and shut up.

If you stand up to her and make her go straight home this time, she’ll know you mean business and won’t try it on again in the future.

If you let her come, she’s simply going to carry on business as usual because she knows you’ll always give in.

This is CRUNCH TIME.

So you've told her this is a bad time ( multiple times) she's completely ignoring you, she went to the station early (can't go home now...) and she's on the way.

This probably won't work but is there any way that you can intercept her at the train station when she arrives and bring her right to a hotel in town? No discussion, if she's staying she's staying at a hotel. (Ideally, not to a hotel in town, ideally you tell her to go right back home as was mentioned in the post of all mine.)

Now you know the very first thing she's going to do is get a train or a taxi to your house, and this is a terrible time because your husband is going through the raw loss of his father, yes it's been a year but that doesn't matter. The first anniversary is exceptionally difficult, the date is really really hard and he's going through a lot right now....

I'd almost say is it worth bundling up your whole family and you guys going away for a few days? Yeah I know that sounds crazy, fleeing your house out of necessity because your mother has invited herself to visit but you told her not to come.
Even just being away for a day or two might be very helpful to your husband, spending time with his family (you and the kids), his direct lineage from his father, maybe doing something that his dad would have enjoyed, like if his dad like walking in nature or if his dad likes museums or if his dad liked a certain kind of restaurant, maybe doing those things to honor the memory of his dad and because you guys are family you can do it all together with him? But not with your mom. He already doesn't like her and she's being disrespectful.

Your mom's going to be exceptionally unhappy either way, because if she comes to visit and no one's being extremely hospitable towards her because she's not supposed to be there, and your husband's locked himself in the room, well let's just say it's going to be a bad visit. Can it be much worse if you guys say sorry, we have plans, we're not going to be home....

I'm really sorry for the situation you found yourself in, but right now I would say if you can, be supportive of your husband.
Grief is a unique experience for everyone but I found the days leading up to the anniversary of the one year of passing to be exceptionally stressful.
(Edited for spelling)

Ive voted you’re being unreasonable because you shouldn’t be letting her come to visit at all not just letting her know on this visit it won’t happen again.

You’ve dismissed how she treated your husband and you’re going against his feelings and letting her come into his home.

I would be very upset in your dh shoes. He is going through a tough time and is being forced to share his home with a woman who has been horrible to him. It’s like he has no say in it and if I were him I’d probably take myself off to a hotel for a few days.

You need to stand up to your mother. She did this despite being told it wasn’t convenient so it’s completely her own fault if she loses money. If she’s arriving today it’s probably too late to be assertive but you could still have a ‘family emergency’ (burst pipe?) that means she needs to quickly boot a hotel.

Going forward you really need to work on your boundaries op. I would struggle to have anyone sleeping in my front room for a week, never mind someone who created a bad atmosphere and was unkind to my dh.

If you tell her no or put in boundries she can become highly difficult person to deal with and lays on the guilt trip.

@snowydays99 this is the crux of the problem.

You are afraid of feeling guilty and so you back down instead.

But here's the thing; it's just guilt. It's just a bit of an icky feeling in your gut. It always passes, and usually pretty quickly if you can find the courage to accept that that is how you're going to feel and make peace with it. It's only a bit of guilt. It's really not the end of the world. Trust yourself to cope with it.

Your mother has got an awful lot of mileage out of the fact that you're afraid of feeling guilty, which when you think about it, is incredibly manipulative. I suspect that this has probably been trained into you since childhood.

You are not responsible for your mother's well being, or for her feelings, or for making sure things are how she wants them (especially not when what she wants hurts other people). It is OK to disappoint her. It is OK not to put her first. Trust her to cope with not getting her own way. She'll be fine.

Again, (especially under these circumstances), you have your own life and it's not your duty to please others, elderly? parents are no exception.
The booking of the tickets regardless, wow.

You’re not unreasonable to feel how you feel, but it seems a bit transactional to say it was okay when DCs were young and she came in handy, but now she’s served her purpose you don’t want her round.

Grow a spine and stop letting your mother run your show.

Do you want to stay married? I wouldn't stay with a spouse who let their parent run roughshod over my household. She visits at terrible times for your husband and kids and it's time to say no.

This business of having to come for a week doesn’t make sense. I am probably the same age as your mother. Next week I will be making a 5 hour round train trip to meet an old friend lunch.

In the future I would try to visit her more often instead. She must be missing the kids and you say that kids really want to see her? I think it's important they have a good relationship with their nan. How old is she? Can you drop off the kids with her during half-term, holidays, etc.?

I get the sense that this is a slow burner here. If your husband is grieving and he's having someone he barely tolerates forced on him there could be an explosion.

Book her a room somewhere for 3 days time, suck up the costs this time. If you let her stay the week, she'll keep doing it. You'll have to force change as she's not respecting your boundaries.

How many times do we hear on here that husbands let their parents walk all over them and won't have their wives back? You don't have your husband's back here. He's not up to it.

No, ive tired suggesting many times they can have the kids and that I am happy to drop them off to them & pick them up but one of the kids has a health condition that has to be monitored closely and they haven’t had them on their own since the health condition popped up. Yes she definitely misses the kids, they have a good relationship.
If I didn’t have the kids I don’t think she would honestly visit much she doesn’t see my sisters often who don’t have kids (and they live closer!)

Yep, it doesn’t. I think she uses it all as an excuse to see the kids for longer! ive been to visit them once on the train and only stayed overnight so its completely do-able shes not eldery neither.
She is a bit salty that we moved away (had too for work!) so maybe still trying to make a point?

You are being so unreasonable… to your husband. I certainly wouldn’t be staying the same house as someone who had been nasty and said uncalled for things with me. How hard is it to say no and mean it? She can’t just turn up at your house if you don’t let her in! It’s called boundaries.

You need to put your DH first on this one and stand up to your mum.

If she has insisted on getting on the train and coming today then she goes home tomorrow. I'd also be telling her that you and kids will meet up with her for food but she has to stay in a hotel this evening as your DH is ill and she cant be sleeping on your floor.

Its never to late. When she turns up at the door - spend the time finding a hotel because SHE ISNT STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE.

Your DH has a right to be in his own house in peace. Sort your mother out.

YABU for allowing this visit to go ahead at all

This - sadly.

I get the type of woman she might be as my mum was similar when younger & when my sister eventually put boundaries in place, it all exploded and they are NC. But my sister was very passive like you and if she’d been more direct and assertive then it wouldnt have got to how it did. So you have to be direct and say mum you are here now but you can only stay 2 days max. If she complains or tries to guilt trip, remind her of her own rules with her mother. And that your kids and husband need space too and that she invited herself. Tell her she’s got to leave on Friday night. (Or Sat morning if feeling generous). This will be a lesson to her and a message to your husband too that you have his back. And tell her that he’s not well and any of her nonsense and she will be straight out of the door.

Your mum is being selfish, insensitive, entitled and bullying. I feel sorry for both you and DH. Sounds like DH needs some peace and quiet atm - has he had grief counselling? That might help him sort out his feelings and feel better going forward. You, unfortunately, are the one who needs to deal with your DM. She is so rude - this is not standard DM behaviour. Please stop allowing her to push you and your family around. Some counselling might be helpful for you to learn to establish boundaries. Your mum is so selfish and entitled that you will have to be very firm with boundaries. Good luck!

She is being unreasonable.

Ive just been to visit my son who lives 4 hrs away. I went with my partner. We stayed in an air BnB. My son went to work during the day and we just took him out for dinner both nights. We went Monday - Wednesday.

The purpose of my trip was to see him and see the town where he lives.

The days and dates were agreed with him. He doesn’t have much leave left so we amused ourselves in the day. We didn’t keep him out late as we understood he has work the next day.

If he had a partner who had a significant event on that date such as the anniversary of a death then I wouldn’t go then. (Assuming he told me as I wouldn’t necessarily remember the date of that).

My point being I was desperate to go and see him but I made sure the trip was as convenient for him as possible. The dates were agreed and if he had said can we change the dates then that would have been completely reasonable and I would have done so.

I don’t understand what is happening here. DM says I might come for a week the first week in December. You say no, that doesn’t suit us, come for three days after DC break up (example) and then DM says tough shit. She books the dates you said weren’t convenient? Is that what you’re saying?

That would be hard cheese. You told her no. She will have to get train tickets refunded or bear the cost.

You need to stand up to her. I would be fuming with you if I were your DH.

Well shes here & dh has spent the past hour chatting happily away to her!
maybe it was just the thought of her coming? Than her actually coming? hes made plans to go out with our friends on the weekend & asked if she would babysit the dc saying it would be good for us to have some time together without the kids.
Maybe it won’t be as bad as I first imagined.

He’s being polite to her, for YOU.
Get her gone. You are being weak and looking for excuses to not put your DH first and stand up to her.