Aibu? Mum visiting…

[snowydays99]

I live a 3 hour drive from my parents, my mum has gotten into a habit of visiting 2/3 times a year for a week at a time. We have a very small house, so has to sleep on a air bed in the lounge so as you can imagine nobody really gets any space while shes visiting.
It was fine when DC were little and didn’t have school, they would keep her busy and she was quite happy to entertain them etc and everyone got on.
Now they are school age, she insists on coming when they are at school despite us saying half terms or weekends are much better for us.
My husband & my mum don’t get along at all, unfortunately they fell out and my mum has said quite harsh things to him in the past that were really uncalled for.
It’s also coming up to the 1 year anniversary of my husbands dad passing away and as you can imagine his emotions are running high.
I explained again to my mum that it was a difficult time of year for DH and that this visit would need to be shorter or if anything, could she come after Christmas when the kids are off school. She completely ignored that and decided to book her train tickets for a week.
My husband is admittedly annoyed with me for allowing this (unfortunately she booked her tickets without saying anything to me and couldnt get a refund or change them apparently) he is saying she should of respected what we asked and he feels like she’s deliberately not giving him space on purpose.
Would I be wrong to tell her when she comes that this is the last time she can do this and from going forwards can only come for 3 days maximum? she uses the train as a excuse saying if shes coming all this way it needs to be a week for it to be worth it, but the train is much shorter compared to driving!
(My husband says 3 days is okay but after 3 days tension starts to run high and he isn’t wrong, she loves a moan and can be quite difficult and it causes us to aruge.)

This isn't fair on your DH. I understand she's your mum but she's taking the pxxx. I would book her an air b and b or room if you can afford it. If not insist she stay just for the three days. Good luck! X

She can't stay until Sunday.

You really need to be standing up for your DH here. You need to cancel the whole visit. Your DH is needing you and your support here. It's not fair on him or anybody else.

tell her she will need to book an Airbnb and she won't be coming in. You need to stand up for yourself and your family here as by allowing her in for 'just until Sunday' which enables her even further, you're showing her that she can do whatever she wants.

your poor husband.

please send her away and have a conversation with her about boundaries. She sounds awful.

And this is important too. You're letting this woman come above a sick and grieving man.

put a stop to it today. You're not supporting your husband by allowing this.

Your putting her feelings above your DHs just because you can't stand up to her. I wouldn't let her stay when she arrives, repeat you told her it wasn't suitable

Your poor husband, you can't do this to him.

She's made this situation, you said no, she came anyway. You need to stick to the no because if you don't she knows she can so this every time and you'll just roll over.

If you can afford to book a B&B for her, do it. If you can't, you really need to tell her she absolutely cannot stay and either needs to go home or find somewhere else to stay. She can't stay with you till Sunday, she can't stay at all. DH is unwell, he's not fit for visitors, she can't be there.

You can meet her outside the house, when you're not working. She's given you no notice, she can't expect you to be available. Stop reorganising your entire life at the drop of a hat for her, it's ridiculous. You're working in the evenings instead of spending time with DC and struggling DH, so you can entertain a grown woman that you told not to come.

put your big girl pants on and tell her she's not staying. if my DH was allowing his mum to stay under the same circumstances i'd stand in the doorway and tell her to get lost the second she arrives. you need to grow up and prioritise your marriage. your husband's feelings are more important than hers right now.

"Sorry mum. That week isn't ok with DH , you should have checked first"

The date XX to XX (3 days) would be perfect and has been agreed with DH

It’s your husband’s home. In my opinion she shouldn’t be visiting at all if she cannot get along with him and show him respect in his own home (I am assuming he has done nothing wrong but you may update this). If she wants to see the children then you should go to her and then control the visit length. I would just tell her that she isn’t welcome after the way she spoke to him and about him. I would be livid if my MIL said negative things about me and then expected to even step through my front door (again assuming he isn’t actually a massive bellend).

This!!! You’re being really disloyal to your husband, op. I’d feel really bloody hurt if my husband didn’t have my back the way you don’t have your husband’s. It’s bad enough that she’s been rude and obnoxious towards him in the past without mentioning the fact he’s signed off work sick at the moment and grieving his father.

Your husband is grieving and off sick with stress and your mother has insisted on staying for a week when previously she had been told it is not convenient?! Frankly, your mother is a twat and you're going to have to put your foot down with her. She is SO unreasonable. You need to stick up for your dh, he really needs you right now. Good luck.

Jesus, woman, grow a spine. Find her a hotel for at most tonight and tomorrow night, and put her on a train back first thing Friday morning.

And tell her if she pulls this shit again, you won’t even open the door. Visits are arranged to suit you and your husband, they will be shorter, and they will be alternated with you visiting her.

I have just spoken with her, she says shes already at the bloody train station had to get there early due to the weather ffs. I have explained to her the situation and said dh isnt well. She said she can go home early (i said i would pay myself to change the return ticket) if dh is struggling but she cant turn around now and just cancel the entire trip. 🙄
At this rate I will be going flipping no contact with her. Dh says he will try and tolerate her for the dcs sake (dc want to see her) and that after this visit that he wants me to go to theirs instead of her coming to visit here which us fair enough.

He sounds like he’s being a bit more reasonable now, book her a return for Sat / Sun and tell her while she’s here that in future you will visit them. Go 2/3 times a year for a few days whilst the kids still want to. I feel sorry for you, it is hard to say no to your parents and your husband was being a little OTT in my opinion threatening to stay in the bedroom but it sounds like you’ve done the right thing talking to her. Good luck! It might not be the end of the world if she’s rude to your husband you know, I’m conflict avoidant but sometimes things happen for a reason, it would give you the opportunity to get a bit angry and tell her she isn’t welcome anymore.

I must be from Mars or something because if my mam just invited herself to mine having been told no she'd arrive to find the door locked and us all out.

She was at the station, not on the train, so of course she could have turned around. She just chose not to.

If the weather is that bad surely it's better she doesn't travel at all and just stays home until she is invited to holiday at your home. Your poor DH, he's signed off with stress and you're just adding to his burden.

You are being incredibly unreasonable. You should control your mum. When she turns up make her change her train ticket for one the following day and send her home. Your DH and kids deserve to be comfortable in their own home and you told her not to come at this time. If it was your MIL doing this you'd be pissed!

Tell her if she comes this time, she won’t be able to come again. You will visit her instead.

She needs to stay elsewhere this time.

If there are never consequences she'll keep imposing.

Say you'll be taking her to the station on day 3 and she can buy a new ticket then. Don't bother saying 'this is the last time'. She'll just ignore you next time.

I agree with others that her options for this trip are 1) do not come or 2) stay in a hotel/bnb. If you can afford it OP I'd book her something for this trip. It's not fair on your husband.

She thinks she can get away with it because she can. She's bulldozered right through you and you've let her.

I've got a similar problem with my mother - she and my stepfather always used to stay in a hotel but after he died my mother announced that she couldn't possibly do that and there was no option but to stay at our house. We don't have a spare room or a spare bed, which led to my teenage son having to sleep on the floor. My mother seemed oblivious to the disruption she caused. She either didn't notice, didn't care, or pretended not to notice. Same end result. After the first visit she unilaterally decided this was now going to be a regular thing and invited herself back a couple of months later.

I said no. Just straight up no. It is the only way to manage it. You have to stop tiptoeing around the edges and just say it straight and let them be upset about it. Let her throw a wobbly. It's alright. The world won't end.

Don't 'think about' rebooking the train ticket, get on the website now and get it booked. Time to put on the big girl pants.

Seriously OP, stop letting her try and negotiate and just tell her no.

Don't explain and hope she'll be reasonable. She's already proved herself unwilling to do that.

'Husband is ill so the visit is cancelled. Do not come.'

You don't have your dh's back. Thats really poor.
You don't stand up to your mum when you know she's lying to you. Thats very very poor.
She doesn't take what you say seriously or account for it in her actions. Thats incredibly selfish and divisive. But then you dont pull her up on it and she has no consequences. So she will keep doing what she's always done and your relationship with your dh will suffer more and more.

Id be tempted to book her a train back this afternoon. Take her for a coffee and cake , have the conversation you need to have and then put ger back on a train.
No thinking "She cant" , or believing "she won't go home" .. she can and you and only you can make her do it..she needs to understand consequences you need to grow a spine.