Aibu? Mum visiting…

[snowydays99]

I live a 3 hour drive from my parents, my mum has gotten into a habit of visiting 2/3 times a year for a week at a time. We have a very small house, so has to sleep on a air bed in the lounge so as you can imagine nobody really gets any space while shes visiting.
It was fine when DC were little and didn’t have school, they would keep her busy and she was quite happy to entertain them etc and everyone got on.
Now they are school age, she insists on coming when they are at school despite us saying half terms or weekends are much better for us.
My husband & my mum don’t get along at all, unfortunately they fell out and my mum has said quite harsh things to him in the past that were really uncalled for.
It’s also coming up to the 1 year anniversary of my husbands dad passing away and as you can imagine his emotions are running high.
I explained again to my mum that it was a difficult time of year for DH and that this visit would need to be shorter or if anything, could she come after Christmas when the kids are off school. She completely ignored that and decided to book her train tickets for a week.
My husband is admittedly annoyed with me for allowing this (unfortunately she booked her tickets without saying anything to me and couldnt get a refund or change them apparently) he is saying she should of respected what we asked and he feels like she’s deliberately not giving him space on purpose.
Would I be wrong to tell her when she comes that this is the last time she can do this and from going forwards can only come for 3 days maximum? she uses the train as a excuse saying if shes coming all this way it needs to be a week for it to be worth it, but the train is much shorter compared to driving!
(My husband says 3 days is okay but after 3 days tension starts to run high and he isn’t wrong, she loves a moan and can be quite difficult and it causes us to aruge.)

https://www.nationalrail.co.uk/tickets-railcards-and-offers/buying-a-ticket/changing-cancelling-and-getting-a-refund-for-tickets/

If she's just at the station, she can go back. And she should. The kids can be disappointed. Your DH is really not in a position to deal with a bulldozer of a cantankerous MIL who has no filters and no boundaries.

Your DH seems to have been fairly politely putting up with your Mum even though she has behaved badly to him in the past.

He’s now unwell and has put up some perfectly reasonable boundaries and you have let her stomp all over them.

Your DH doesn't have a MIL problem, he has a DW problem.

It is your job as his wife to support him. He’s explicitly said what he needs (for her not to come at this time) and you aren't supporting him.

As a result he’s now moved his boundary to “she can’t come at all”.

Your Mum is selfishly doing what she wants over the wishes of a sick and grieving man.

You should have shut this down before she ever booked the tickets.

Insist she only comes Friday to Monday (3 nights). It is plenty of time and doesn’t interfere with the school / working week.

You need to put your husband before your mum in this instance. His need is greater than hers.

If she's already got on the train then youll have to tell her when she arrives. You should have told her no before she got on the train.

In fact. Just book her 1n in a hotel right now then ring her and tell her.

Mum. We said no to these dates. We meant it. We cant have you to stay. Ive booked you one night so we can catch up, go out for dinner or something, you can book more nights if you wish.

Back your husband.

My god, I feel so sorry for your husband. You really need to step up and put him first instead of letting your overbearing, rude mother walk all over you like this.

Book her a room at a hotel for the rest of the week. Then take her out for lunch and explain that you told her it was inconvenient, and she can't stay, but you're still happy to see her, and for her to see the kids as she's here. It's up to her if she wants to stay or leave then. Don't let her walk all over you. Your husband needs space and to grieve, and you need to prioritise him while he does so.

You need to tell her, as asking doesn't work with her. I think you've let your husband down at this difficult time for him, and it is worth considering if you can get her a hotel for her stay this time (before you get your new boundaries in place for any future visits). Cutting the trip short as you've mentioned also sounds wise, as well as keeping her out of the house as much as possible.

Not approving of your mum’s behaviour at all - she’s completely in the wrong - but is everything okay with her and your dad if she is so insistent on coming despite how inconvenient it is?
not that it’s an excuse, but just trying to understand her bizarre behaviour?

Absolutely 💯 this.
I am struggling to comprehend how you can't seem to see how upset your husband is before your mum even rocks up, and what a horrible situation you've put him in. He has a right to privacy in his own home to deal with his stress and grief. Her visit will make all that so much worse.
Why on earth can't you say no?!
I would never allow anyone to invite themselves to my house. It's ridiculous.
You should have stopped the visit when she first mentioned it, offered to refund the ticket price if she bleated, and stated in no uncertain terms that visits have to be mutually agreed.
She's walking all over you and all of this could have (and should have!) been prevented before it got to this stage.

Your poor husband. You should have told her no, tickets booked or not! YABVU

You need a backbone. I get on really well with my children, but if I turned up when they said it wasn’t convenient, they would not open the door.

Yes all is okay with them as far as I know.
She has always, always been this way my entire life. I know its easy for everyone to say to be strict and tell her to effectively fuck off, but I find it difficult with her.
If you tell her no or put in boundries she can become highly difficult person to deal with and lays on the guilt trip.
i must admit she has gotten worse as she has aged. Its not her entire fault that her & dh don’t see eye to eye though, dh is about 40 percent to blame as well but we have been together for over 20 years so things won’t change now. I do get on with her in short bursts, the distance has helped a lot and when she is here shes not one of those people you have to wait hand & foot on for, just wish she would listen a bit more!

I will not let her push him around

You just have!

Buy her a train ticket back immediately or book her (or your DH) a hotel for a few nights. You need to be firm with her that she cannot just book visits without prior agreement - it is manifestly unreasonable and she's probably got a history of pushing you around. Prioritise your DH! It's really unfair to make him deal with this. If i were him I'd be in a hotel away from it all.

Doesn't matter if she can't get a refund in the ticket, you said the visit needed to be shorter, she ignored it. That's her problem.

She needs to come for a shorter duration and over the weekend/during school holidays and that that.

I feel really sorry for your husband. Poor him having to have someone in his house who disrespects him like that at all let alone at a time when he's feeling emotionally vulnerable.

Just book a nice hotel for her, it all sounds a bit unkind

Imagine if this was the other way around, and a husband let his mother come and stay when you were grieving and upset.

You needed to be a better partner to him, and be firmer with her.

She needs to go home asap as in tomorrow. None of this give her one day with the children and send her home Sunday. You need to book her a hotel room/B&B for tonight and a train ticket for tomorrow. She does not come into your home. She easily could have turned back from the station. She chose not too. Do not reward her railroading her visit, she will do it again and again. This is the time to draw healthy boundaries.

So you are throwing your dh under the bus so she isn't too "difficult" with you?
Because you estimate he 40% deserves it?

It doesn’t matter if she becomes difficult. You’re an adult now, and she has no more control over you than you allow her to have. If you’d said no in the first place, you could have hung up if she kicked off and continued to do so until she jacked it in.

If she kicks off when you tell her - you are going to tell her, aren’t you - that she can’t stay more than a day or two, you can either tell her to pack that nonsense in, it won’t work; or, if that’s too hard for you, just leave the room/house/pub until she stops, then tell her again. Rinse and repeat.

Did she know that your DH is signed off work with stress? If she did and still insisted on coming I’d let her stay one night and send her back home tomorrow.

She can lay on the guilt trip as much as she wants. It doesn't mean you have to feel guilty. You can - and should - decide not to.

You realise that what you’ve basically said in this post is that it’s easier to let your husband suffer than to deal with your mother having a tantrum.

Because that’s what it is, a tantrum because she isn’t getting her own way. There’s only one way to deal with tantrums - never ever give in.

And yes your DH may bear some responsibility for his relationship with your Mum but this is his home, he’s ill and grieving and you are putting yourself and your Mum before him.

if you tell her no or put in boundries she can become highly difficult person to deal with and lays on the guilt trip.

LET HER!!

you’re all walking on eggshells trying to make sure she’s not unhappy

BUT YOURE ALL UNHAPPY

Your husband is understandably struggling with the death of his father and clearly life is too much for him atm.

YOU HAVE TO SEND HER HOME EARLY, and you have to tell her that there are no more visits unless you’ve agreed the timing in advance, OR she stays elsewhere.

logistically it’s become difficult and from a personal perspective now with your DH MH suffering, you’re not going to be dictated to in your home again

be firm. Let her strop, this is for your H, and ultimately for your relationship with your parents too. Nipping this in the bud now will save you a heck of a lot of heartache