Aibu? Mum visiting…

[snowydays99]

I live a 3 hour drive from my parents, my mum has gotten into a habit of visiting 2/3 times a year for a week at a time. We have a very small house, so has to sleep on a air bed in the lounge so as you can imagine nobody really gets any space while shes visiting.
It was fine when DC were little and didn’t have school, they would keep her busy and she was quite happy to entertain them etc and everyone got on.
Now they are school age, she insists on coming when they are at school despite us saying half terms or weekends are much better for us.
My husband & my mum don’t get along at all, unfortunately they fell out and my mum has said quite harsh things to him in the past that were really uncalled for.
It’s also coming up to the 1 year anniversary of my husbands dad passing away and as you can imagine his emotions are running high.
I explained again to my mum that it was a difficult time of year for DH and that this visit would need to be shorter or if anything, could she come after Christmas when the kids are off school. She completely ignored that and decided to book her train tickets for a week.
My husband is admittedly annoyed with me for allowing this (unfortunately she booked her tickets without saying anything to me and couldnt get a refund or change them apparently) he is saying she should of respected what we asked and he feels like she’s deliberately not giving him space on purpose.
Would I be wrong to tell her when she comes that this is the last time she can do this and from going forwards can only come for 3 days maximum? she uses the train as a excuse saying if shes coming all this way it needs to be a week for it to be worth it, but the train is much shorter compared to driving!
(My husband says 3 days is okay but after 3 days tension starts to run high and he isn’t wrong, she loves a moan and can be quite difficult and it causes us to aruge.)

You are being weak and looking for excuses to not put your DH first and stand up to her.

This. I'm sure if we were dealing with DH's mother, you would at least try to be polite. And this is what your DH is doing.

Your husband is an angel and deserves better treatment than what you've dished up today.

He's been given no other option but to find a way to cope because he knows by your actions that you won't support him and tell your mother to leave.

You've really let him down op and I'm not particularly a fan of men but this is not how you treat a grieving spouse.

I have put my husband first nearly our entire life, dear lord I had his parents live with us for five years when his mum was unwell to help my FIL which was not easy I have been a saint to put up with some the shit I have had to put up with. Me and DH are very happy together, I have bent over backwards for that man over the years. Yes my mother is another story but there was no need to write that.
You have no idea - your just going off a tiny snipet of information. Fuck off.

IMO that is one of the nastiest posts I've read on MN.

Puts me off posting when theres people like that lurking around on here. How miserable does someone need to be.

I know in hindsight I should of immediately told her she cannot come but I was taken back at the way she did it

Why were you taken aback when you've said she's "been like this youtr entire life" and has form for booking visits which you don't want?

Telling her she "can't do this again" is a waste of time once she's there since she's got what she wanted at that point, so as PPs have said book her a hotel/Air B&B and back your DH up for once

Oops I think I voted wrong. You are putting your mum above your husband and I think that's very unfair. Put boundaries in place and send her on her way.

Last year I cut my mum off completely from mine and my kids life (years of her bull shit and I finally had enough). The bit that tipped me over the edge, was her demanding a slot once a week to come see my kids. I said nope and she put on her guilt trip. I kept telling her to stop pushing my boundaries, she didn't listen and now she has to deal with the consequences. Wish my mum was more understanding like you.

Agreed. You'd want to tread lightly here OP - there may not be another chance to show your DH that you are willing to prioritize him.

If my husband treated me the way you've been treating your husband I'd be seriously considering divorcing you.

What an utterly horrible post. Shame on you.

Great idea OP. 'You know what it's like Mum, hosting is so tiring after a couple of days, and DH is really ill.'

Id be careful OP.

Presumably your DH is putting on a brave face and trying to make the best of things.

While this is very good, I'd be careful with her thinking along the lines of "All this fuss over nothing, he can't be ill if he wants to go out, I'll just carry on like this."

You'll definitely need to reiterate you cant do it again before she leaves.

Wow! What a horrible and spiteful thing to say to OP. Personal attacks aren't permitted on Mumsnet.

Sadly I suspect your husband is masking as a way to cope. You really need to keep a good watch on him, it is impossible to mask for long.

I was thinking about your dh staying in the bedroom while your mum is there.....before I read your post.
It's what I'd do if I was him. Poor bloke sounds stressed to hell.
I hope you have a TV in the bedroom and maybe an en suite ?

Hope she behaves and you can relax. I sounds like a good start.

No is a complete sentence. I think you owe it to your husband to stand up to her and tell her she's not coming. She's an adult. Booking that train ticket was on her, you'd already said it wasn't convenient.

I’m afraid I really do think you’re out of order to not support your DH in this, in view of his grief. It’s awful she’s going to be there at this time. You should have told her no on this occasion. If I was your DH I’d be booking a hotel for the week to grieve in private

If you allow this to continue, you are putting your marriage at risk. You need to play hardball with DM and tell her that she can't stay. It's not your problem that she booked a non refundable train ticket.

'...why she thinks she can get away with doing this to us is a mystery.' No it isn't. She's been allowed to get away with it, that's why.

Is there a Premier Inn of a B&B nearby that uou can book her into?

I would be very upset if I was your husband, you are not managing your mother as you should. If you can’t find a way of sending her back early keep her out of his way.

I agreed until you made your last statement. Most mothers are empathetic and supportive.