AITA for not helping a friend?

[RWat378]

I need to know if I’ve been unreasonable with my best friend…. 3 weeks ago, my she called me at 10pm. I don’t usually pick up at that time but her dad has been quite poorly so I was concerned something had happened. She asked if I was in bed and I said yes. She then said there was a big spider in her bathroom and asked if I would come and get it out of the house for her. We’ve been friends for 20 years and I’ve gone every time she’s asked me previously, however, my toddler had been poorly for a few days and me and my husband had barely slept. I get up at 5.30am for work, and she lives a 15 minute drive away, so it’s likely it would have been 45 minute round trip and I wouldn’t get back until around 11pm. I asked where her cats were (they’ve been handy at getting spiders for her the last couple of years) and she said “they’ve gone to bed for the night”. I asked her to get the cats out of bed to try and get the spider, if that didn’t work and she was still desperate, to call me back and I would go over. I didn’t hear anything else that night.

I messaged her the next day to ask how she got on but she sent a “fine” response. I messaged her again a few days later and she said she was really upset with me for “fucking her off” and also said “I’ve never felt so alone in that moment”. I apologised and explained to her why I was so tired that night, so asked her try something else before getting me out of be, but she didn’t want to hear it and stopped responding to my messages. 3 weeks later, she still hasn’t been in touch. I’ve tried to see things from her POV but I guess I just don’t understand how she’s fallen out with me over this! I hate the silent treatment and find it cruel and manipulative but now I’m wondering if I really have been unreasonable?

Omg I thought I was the only one that was scared that would happen with the vacuum! Not helped by the fact sometimes I’ve seen spiders able to run from the suction I guess! shudders

I'm not keen on spiders, used to be quite phobic, not once did I ask someone to come over and remove one though. Is she always so high maintenance?

It's also the reason I can't just step on one. I'm terrified by the prospect of it getting onto my shoe and then creepy crawling all over me😬 at least I know it isnt just me😅

Me too! I used to keep the yellow pages handy as I could drop that from height. I can’t just stand on those big bastards. Thank you for telling me this because I don’t feel quite as crazy knowing I’m not the only one!

I know a lot of people prefer to catch and release - but that’s actually a death sentence for them anyway as they’re house spiders that won’t survive outside. You are actually better off just killing them yourself if you don’t want them in your house.

I'd just tell her that statistically everyone swallows at least one spider in their sleep during their lifetime. 😂

No chance can I step on a huge one because I can't handle the crunch sound 😭 the yellow pages were an amazing thing for that 😂 I can't do the whole catch and release because you still have to get too close for comfort 😬 people who aren't scared of spiders just can't understand the pure terror you feel, irrational though it may seem

Exactly this. You’re absolutely not that asshole, OP, but you need to accept some responsibility for creating the dynamic.

Love that her cats needing their bed was more important to her than you needing your bed.

I mean, she's not a real friend is she. There's no way you'd ask this of someone you actually respected.

Your friend was ridiculous to not be able to sort out the issue somehow herself.

This make me think of "I'm a Celeb". I'm scared of spiders and bugs, and would hate to have even one spider on me. I just don't understand how people can cope with thousands of spiders, cockroaches, mealworms, etc on them

I've got a significant phobia of spiders and no way in a million years would I expect anyone to drive to my house to deal with one for me! Your friend is ridiculous.

Also, not being willing to get her cats out of bed?! Fucking hell.

Absolute joke .. tell her to get over herself .

Sounds like a blessing to me

Yeah, you need another friend to put up with that…

Hi op sorry but she’s being a drama lama who the fuck does this? You chose yourself and she didn’t like it. That’s her problem not a great friend if she’s acting like a 2 year old. If she wasn’t so entitled she would have heard you out but if you want to keep her friendship I would give her space see if she comes around as her struggle with her dad might be making her more sensitive. Going forward it’s a no to spider catching there are all sorts of things she can use herself.

If she is so scared of spiders then should some kind of therapy/treatment to help her.

Otherwise buy her a can of RAID.
🕸️🕷️💣
Works on most insect pests and creepy crawlies.

I personally like Spiders and find them fun and entertaining

I’m terrified of spiders but no, you are not unreasonable at all. She called you at 10pm, expected you to do a 45 min round trip then get up at 5:30am for work. You’re already running on empty as you have been caring for a poorly child. The only person being unreasonable is her. I understand she is going through a lot, but using that to guilt trip you is not OK. Personally, I’d leave her to that because it’s not worth your energy. I wouldn’t bring it up again but I would still check in on her to see how she is. If she keeps ignoring you, then leave her to reach out to you.

She sounds a bit unhinged to be honest you're not her boyfriend but she is treating you like you are.

Geeezzzz this reminds me of when we were kids back in the 1950s. We lived in a 2 up 2 down terrace with an outside loo at the bottom of the yard. And yes there were often spiders. BIG ones! They never bothered me but my sister was terrified of them. She would ask me to go before her to see if there were any around but I refused to kill them, I used to pick them up in a cup and throw them on the little strip of garden we had. And I refused entirely to go down there in winter unless I needed the loo myself. One time I saw a big hairy one in the corner of the seat and said nothing. Next time my sister went out she saw it, screamed, and fled back to the house with her knickers half way down. I dont know what happened to the spider.

She's not a friend.

Her cats couldn’t be disturbed but you could! Says it all really.

I don’t like spiders so got one of those spider catchers.

I find it a bit weird that she didn’t want to disturb her cats, but was cool with disturbing you.

Never in a million years would I call a friend at that time to drive to my house for anything let alone a spider! I hate them, however if I had to deal with it I would, I would never ask someone else, particularly at that time of night.

She’s being pathetic you aren’t her servant at her beck and call, I wouldn’t get in touch with her again for going in a huff over that.

I have genuine sympathy as people can't help phobias, but if someone had one that's so bad it's affecting their life, they need to get help. Fine if it's a phobia of flying say, and the person can just choose not to fly, but if it's something that they can't avoid, like spiders, they need help. She shouldn't be mad with you, she's probably actually mad at herself, but this can't go on if it's affecting her, and her relationships.

Shes only your friend if you come round at 10pm for spider hunting? There will be literally hundreds in her house, that all want to ignore her as much as you should.

It was too late for her cats to get up and eat the spider but not too late for you to get up and leave your toddler to do it?!?! Shes an entitled CF

I have sympathy, too, and I have a deepseated phobia of something most people do without a second thought, but my phobia is mine to deal with. It is no one else’s problem to resolve and it’s certainly not anything I allow to discommode other people.