AITA for not helping a friend?

[RWat378]

I need to know if I’ve been unreasonable with my best friend…. 3 weeks ago, my she called me at 10pm. I don’t usually pick up at that time but her dad has been quite poorly so I was concerned something had happened. She asked if I was in bed and I said yes. She then said there was a big spider in her bathroom and asked if I would come and get it out of the house for her. We’ve been friends for 20 years and I’ve gone every time she’s asked me previously, however, my toddler had been poorly for a few days and me and my husband had barely slept. I get up at 5.30am for work, and she lives a 15 minute drive away, so it’s likely it would have been 45 minute round trip and I wouldn’t get back until around 11pm. I asked where her cats were (they’ve been handy at getting spiders for her the last couple of years) and she said “they’ve gone to bed for the night”. I asked her to get the cats out of bed to try and get the spider, if that didn’t work and she was still desperate, to call me back and I would go over. I didn’t hear anything else that night.

I messaged her the next day to ask how she got on but she sent a “fine” response. I messaged her again a few days later and she said she was really upset with me for “fucking her off” and also said “I’ve never felt so alone in that moment”. I apologised and explained to her why I was so tired that night, so asked her try something else before getting me out of be, but she didn’t want to hear it and stopped responding to my messages. 3 weeks later, she still hasn’t been in touch. I’ve tried to see things from her POV but I guess I just don’t understand how she’s fallen out with me over this! I hate the silent treatment and find it cruel and manipulative but now I’m wondering if I really have been unreasonable?

😆

I have what seems 5 spiders in each room. I hoover them once a week but more appear....<???>

she is being selfish, my tip is hoover them up. her loss, she is not worth the stress,

I know people can have phobias about spiders but she's being ridiculous and selfish. Youvecperhaps not helped matters by always going when she's called, but she needs to grow up and think about others.

thats a bit like how I feel when I think back to it. Like dis it really happen? Sadly, yes it did. I didn’t want to go in to do the bottling up (restocking the bar) - I was probably 8 or 9, maybe even 10. There was a huge spider id seen right by the door. The room was full of cobwebs and spiders, I just hated it. I was getting my nerve together to run in and grab what was needed, but he shoved me in there, turned off the light and locked the door. I was screaming and sobbing but also frozen still too terrified to move. I definitely think my phobia was made worse by that reaction of his.

Yey despite all that, I do what you do with the dentist - I deal with it as best I can. If her fear is so debilitating she has to phone a friend she needs to either get therapy/hypnosis to help, find a service she can pay to be on call to deal with spiders, get a room mate or lodger that is also prepared to deal with the spiders or learn to do the basics needed within the constraints of her fear. I’m sure she knows that rationally there is nothing to be afraid of, but sadly phobias tend to be irrational a lot of the time!

she needs to grow up. Absolute child. Not for being scared of the spider but for her huff. So pathetic. Leave her to get on with it she knows what she is doing. She is not a friend.

OP the ask was insane. Big girl pants are for us all to woman up and just deal with life and spiders. You are in no way being unreasonable. Let her huff and puff. Silent treatment at least means no more ‘who you gonna call’ 🔈 spider buster calls… far from being a bad friend you’re a great friend for entertaining it every other time. A real friend would never ask phobia or no.
Good lesson that the more you do, they more they expect.

Send her a Sydney Funnel Web. Then she'd have something to worry about.

Her request might have been reasonable IF (1) you lived next door to her, or walking distance (2) she reasonably expected that you'd likely be awake and willing to go out (3) she reasonably expected that there was someone there to look after your child(ren) while you were out AND (4) she was willing to gracefully take no for an answer.

She was unreasonable - possibly not to ask depending on your relationship and what the two of you have done for each other in the past, but to huff when you didn't drop everything to help. And to STILL be furious to the point of not speaking to you in the cold light of day, with the spider vanquished or presumably at least absent. I understand that she was irrationally terrified and I know that kind of fear is probably debilitating - but as you said, you normally wouldn't have even answered the phone so she must have had some kind of back-up plan? You did what you reasonably could, including talking with her about the problem and making practical suggestions like waking up the cats.

That is the most bonkers thing I've read on MN! Your friend needs to grow up.

What the buggering fuck !

I live in a country with far worse large insects than spiders though we some poisonous spiders too. You just have to cope - and I admit I once threw a sheet with one of the most gruesome of our critters perched on it out of an upstairs windows. I had to go and eventually twitch the sheet off it - because it was still alive! It never occurred to me to call a friend though I did try to suggest to one of my sons that it would be manly thing to do to deal with them. He disagreed. I have my doubts about the cat tackling it. I would never have dreamt of summoning a pregnant woman or a woman with a small baby at 5.30 in the morning. I think my compatriots are a bit blunter and I can't imagine any of them agreeing with this carry on.

I'm so like you. The only way I can get them is with a hoover. The chunkier they are the harder they are to hoover because you just imagine them crawling onto it instead of being sucked in😅 I would never dream of calling someone to come sort it out. I don't even wake DH. Love that she obviously felt that her cats sleep was more important than yours OP. I'd be glad to be rid of her

I feel for her because I also have a phobia but expecting people to come over in the night, when pregnant etc. is not really on at her age. Her saying she’d never felt so alone at that moment would really put me off her, I understand the fear but there is not a real threat and most people are not as accommodating as you. She needs to take some responsibility like a simple can of Raid which can be sprayed from a distance

The tin lid on it for me would have been her expecting you to get out of bed, go over there and drive back - but the cats couldn't do it because they'd 'gone to bed'. At that point she tipped from unreasonable to cf-ery.

Why, oh why OP have you indulged your friend for so long?

To think that at 8 momths pregnant with, presumably, a huge bump, you were bending over to scrape the remains of a spider off the floor.

Didn't you think when she asked that of you in your state that she had no consideration for your welfare at all?

Is this your only friend? Is this why you are putting up with such rediculous demands from her and when you didn't jump this time you are getting so worried about losing the friendship?

You know you are worth better than this don't you?

I was tempted to vote you are being unreasonable for having ever tolerated this level of shit behaviour.

She should go for spider phobia treatment if it is this bad and she lives alone.
The spider vacuums really work, I have one.
She is definitely being unreasonable.

She is absolutely ridiculous. I wish that was all I had to worry about in life. Her comment that she's never felt so alone is just pathetic. I had a psychotic break and so many of my friends deserted me and I lost evreything. Going to A and E and my husband of 25 years not being with me when I felt sucidial made me feel alone. this is just utter utter nonsense.

Good grief, what the hell have I just read? She sounds like a ridiculously self-centred drama llama. She needs to develop coping strategies that don't involve her having a tantrum because a friend can't drop everything and come running late at night.

I loathe spiders and I live on my own. I learned to deal with them for myself. I wouldn’t answer the phone to this friend after 20.00 again.

Your "friend" could easily have used a vacuum or other instrument to remove it but chose not to.

Your "friend" is now giving you the silent treatment because you didnt obey their commands.

Your "friend" is a cunt.

What you should do is BLOCK her and forget she even existed.

The friend could have woken her bloody cats!! Their bed time?? ... So they can't be disturbed but you can? !!...

And be expected to drive a long way late in the evening...

Either tell her explicitly... No more... She needs some CBT... Which can be very effective in these cases.

Or..

A soft way of doing it:
I may just tell her in future that you've had an evening drink and can't drive .

I have to confess to having called friends to deal with spiders in the past. I think unless you really have a phobia (like me and by the sounds of it, her) then you don't know how horrific it can be finding one shudders

However, I have never called anyone with a small child at an unreasonable hour and absolutely would not expect anyone to go out their way to help. As a side note, my cats and dog are useless with them. They just ignore them. I've had more success training one of my children to take care of them but it's still a work in progress.

Your friend is being a petulant little princess giving you the silent treatment over a spider!

Edited for spelling

She’s an absolute twat, don’t let her guilt trip you. Tell her she needs to manage this herself as you won’t be able to go over anymore.