AITA for not helping a friend?

[RWat378]

I need to know if I’ve been unreasonable with my best friend…. 3 weeks ago, my she called me at 10pm. I don’t usually pick up at that time but her dad has been quite poorly so I was concerned something had happened. She asked if I was in bed and I said yes. She then said there was a big spider in her bathroom and asked if I would come and get it out of the house for her. We’ve been friends for 20 years and I’ve gone every time she’s asked me previously, however, my toddler had been poorly for a few days and me and my husband had barely slept. I get up at 5.30am for work, and she lives a 15 minute drive away, so it’s likely it would have been 45 minute round trip and I wouldn’t get back until around 11pm. I asked where her cats were (they’ve been handy at getting spiders for her the last couple of years) and she said “they’ve gone to bed for the night”. I asked her to get the cats out of bed to try and get the spider, if that didn’t work and she was still desperate, to call me back and I would go over. I didn’t hear anything else that night.

I messaged her the next day to ask how she got on but she sent a “fine” response. I messaged her again a few days later and she said she was really upset with me for “fucking her off” and also said “I’ve never felt so alone in that moment”. I apologised and explained to her why I was so tired that night, so asked her try something else before getting me out of be, but she didn’t want to hear it and stopped responding to my messages. 3 weeks later, she still hasn’t been in touch. I’ve tried to see things from her POV but I guess I just don’t understand how she’s fallen out with me over this! I hate the silent treatment and find it cruel and manipulative but now I’m wondering if I really have been unreasonable?

For a SPIDER?? Utterly ridiculous

Absolutely ridiculous. Never felt so alone trapped with a spider? FFS, try having real problems.

She could have slept on the sofa if she had that much of an issue!!

Definitely NBU. And her behaviour afterwards is dreadful.

I have literally done this to avoid a massive spider 😂 and no, I absolutely would not drag a friend out of bed for it.

How many times has she asked this of you before?

Over the years… many times. I once went over when I was 8 months pregnant just to scrape a dead spider off her floor because she thought it might still be alive after the cats had got it. Perhaps I’ve enabled it by always going when she’s asked.

She is being ridiculous!

I am terrified of spiders and it wouldn’t even occur to me to do this. She is a grown up

Same! And I still wouldn’t consider asking a friend to come over regarding this

Well that was a bit of a drip feed OP. You have enabled her in this behaviour.

YANBU to not go over there, but YABU for creating the situation where she relies on you.

Phobias aside, grown adults who make a huge fuss over tiny harmless creatures are what the kids might call 'Reeee DICK!' IMHO. And no. You're not being unreasonable.

You’re right, I think it’s probably my fault for always entertaining it. I’ve just always tried to be a good friend. She’s never called me that late before though.

My next door did this at nearly midnight, told her to hoover it up. I'd removed a few prior to that but after refusing she didn't ask again. People take the piss.

Your friend is putting the emotional guilts on you, that's not a mark of a good friend. Up to you, but I'd steer clear if I were in your shoes and concentrate on real, normal adult friends not big kids!

My exSIL once rang me at 7am to ask me to come over to get a spider . She came and picked me up and it was just up a few streets. She said she couldn't go to work not knowing what she had to comeback to . I was a bit put out but to be fair when I got there and saw it , it was absolutely MASSIVE !

She sounds like a spoilt child, the cats wouldnt have complained if she picked them up and put them next to a spider in their jammies! Silent treatment would kill the relationship for me,

In the nicest way possible, more fool you OP. Why would you even entertain someone who was selfish enough to ask that of you?

You didn’t have to explain all those extra details about getting up early and having a toddler etc. If you were a childfree retired millionaire it’d still be unreasonable of her.

I never cease to be amazed at what passes for 'friendship' on MN!

Consider this a lucky escape

She wanted you to get out of bed late night, leave your husband and an ill toddler, drive on little sleep 45" to kill a fucking spider for her?

And she's pissed off and sulking that you didn't?

What a fucking idiot.

Never felt so alone in her life over a spider?! 🕷️ 😂

I don't even care if she's properly arachnaphobic for this one, she's so obviously bang out of order for even asking you to drive a 45 minute round trip for a fucking spider, let alone at that time of night when you have a child and an early start, that it's a VERY simple case of The Absolute Audacity!

She needs to get herself a humane spider catcher*, some spider deterrent, and a bloody good head wobble.

*Okay FINE, if she is actually properly phobic this might not be an option. I get the impression that this isn't the case though...

I don't like spiders, and I admit I have gone around to my neighbour and asked if he could come and deal with it. Living in a wooded area, the spiders are huge, and hairy. However, this person was my neighbour, I didn't call a friend at 10 pm at night, expect them to drive 15 minutes to me and back home again. As much as I dislike spiders, I wouldn't have dreamt of doing this. I've never knocked on my neighbours door at that time of night, and wouldn't unless it was an actual emergency. You weren't unreasonable at all. You've been to work all day, have an unwell child and barely any sleep. Your friend is being dramatic and unreasonable. I wouldn't try engaging with her any more, if she wants to fall out with you over a spider, then that's on her, not you.

Oh for this to be one's biggest problem in life!

Edited: clearly she wasn't alone: she had the spider for company!

I'd love to know how she's berating her cats for having the audacity to be asleep on spider duty!

I assume this was the UK and therefore it was a solitary house spider, not a room full of oversized tarantulas? YWNBU.