AIBU to be so shaken and upset by this WhatsApp message from my ex-husband?

[Lilifer]

Hi all,
I am looking for some outside perspective (and I maybe am BU for letting it affect me so much) because I feel shaken and upset after a message from my ex-H last night and I’m not sure whether to reply or leave it.

We are divorced and share five children together. Four are young adults now; only my youngest (17, nearly 18) call him John, still lives at home with me. I work full-time and also share care of my 87year-old mum, who lives 200 miles away. Because of a seizure this summer I’m currently not allowed to drive, so everything is trains, lifts, and juggling work/family/medical appointments. It’s been really difficult as I live rurally and public transport is not great here and I don’t have family support.

On Friday I had a neurologist appointment in the nearest city (about 75 minutes away by train). My 17yo drove me the 30 minutes to the station very early, so he wouldn’t miss any school. After the appointment I decided, since I was already most of the way there, and having checked with my son, that I’d continue down to my hometown via train to see my mum overnight. My son has been home on his own before, and he was absolutely fine about it. I came home the next day, again by two trains.

Last night, I sent my ex a friendly, perfectly polite WhatsApp. He and his partner are flying to Rome today to see one of our sons for his 21st. My sister is that son’s godmother and had a gift for him, so I asked my ex if he could take it over with him rather than risk the post. John was going over to his dad’s that evening, so I said I could give the present to him to pass on. Really straightforward, no drama, so I thought.

My ex is generally very difficult with me, quite bitter, and ignores most messages unless he wants something. So when I saw the first line of his reply pop up (“Thanks, I will deliver Anne’s present…”), I thought, oh, that’s unusually civil.

Then I opened the message properly and the rest of it felt like a kick in the stomach. This was his message:

“Thanks. I will deliver Anne’s present no bother at all.
I wanted to get in touch but wasn’t sure how to as I absolutely do not want you to say anything to John.
I was irritated and disappointed last Friday to be told down the street that not only was John home alone but that he had done a run to the train on a school day.
John is a great young fella and more than capable of looking after himself but I am curious to understand when things changed so that I am no longer informed when you are away??
If it was reversed I have no doubt you would be irritated.
I am also not happy with him driving to the train on a school day. Whilst I fully understand that you are not driving at the minute, I have no idea how much, if any, school he missed and I am sure he could do without missing more school with football, Skiing trip Maths Days & University Days already eating into Upper Sixth.
Had I been asked it is unlikely that I would have objected but I am not going to pretend that I am not annoyed about hearing all about it down town.
Let me know your thoughts and consider what you would think if the situation was reversed.”

I felt the tone was accusatory, condescending and borderline hostile, as if I’d been negligent or deceitful.

For context:
– There was absolutely nothing unsafe about the situation.
– Our son is nearly 18 and perfectly capable.
– He missed no school for me, he only drove me to the early train so that he wouldn’t miss school.
– He’d already agreed to me staying with my mum that night.
– The whole thing is a non-issue blown up into a moral lecture.

It hit me at 9.30pm, after a really long day at work, and it absolutely floored me emotionally. Communication with him always stresses me out, but this felt unnecessarily punitive and completely disproportionate. He could have asked a simple question; instead he delivered a long rant framed as “concern,” implying I’d done something inappropriate or irresponsible.

I don’t know whether to respond and clarify things calmly, reply but set a boundary, or just ignore it say nothing at all because it’s so condescending. He expects a level of behavior from me that he doesn’t hold himself to.

Has anyone dealt with an ex like this, someone who is mostly cold/ignoring, then suddenly pops up with a hostile lecture framed as “concern”? How do you handle it without letting it wreck your evening? I’m also feeling a bit fragile as am facing a likely epilepsy diagnosis and I feel I really can’t deal with this sort of stress from him right now 😔

Any advice appreciated.

This! Succinct and implements boundaries whilst acknowledging he’s making a mountain out of a molehill

This is a more polite version 👏🏼

’Get a grip, Trevor. John’s almost 18. We do not need your permission for anything and I certainly do not need to inform you of my movements.’

Use Fluffys draft, yours shows he's got to you I think and invites come back from him.

What's the point of your son missing school for a whole day to visit a uni with your ex when it's not an open day.
If your ex was really concerned about him missing school he'd do that on a weekend. What's he going to learn looking at buildings he can't go in?

My ex is very similar. He wants to control everything but hardly does any parenting. I still get awful messages 13 years later and just ignore him. Even if I respond with the truth, everything is twisted to suit his narrative. You certainly don't need to get permission from him for your son to drive you somewhere or for him to stay alone overnight. Only your son's view is important.

My ex is exactly like this. I ignore most of these messages now or reply with something like “lots to think about there, I’ll come back to you later” if I’m trying to keep him on-side temporarily. In my case he forgets about it a week later so I can get away with that.
It used to upset me a lot more in the past as I suspected he was collecting “evidence” for a court case but as my DC got older I realised this was never going to happen. I have also realised that he is a twat and his opinion of me matters absolutely zero. Now I just laugh when I see these emails/messages.
Have a think about what really lies underneath the stress when you get these messages. Do you fear he is going to do something or do you want his good opinion of you or is it something else? Working this out may be the key to reducing the impact it has on you.

Wow, what a patronising arsehole.

I would definitely go with the 'no need to worry' message as it's polite and breezy and puts him in his place re his missing school 'concerns', i.e. it's a bit weird/embarrassing for him to have written all that over a scenario that didn't even happen.

"I'm sure John can let you know what's happening if you're worried about things."

(Translation, he's nearly an adult and I don't have to micromanage your ego anymore).

Does he have a point? Would you have been annoyed if he'd left your son alone?

Correct response is 'get stuffed'.

'Brevity is the soul of wit' - but he loves the sound of the clicky clack of his computer keys AND clearly thinks he is very important and superior to you in every way!

This is trickly. My ex left my 17 year old DS and 13 year old DD alone one week-end. I went and fetched my DD. Not because I did not trust my DS but a 17 year old boy is not anywhere near responsible enough to keep an eye on a 13 year old girl. I certainly said I was annoyed. In fact I immediately applied for a new custody arrangement. But a 17 year old boy on his own overnight? Perfectly ok, I think.

“👌🏻… thanks for taking the gift “ … nothing more

Your (excellent) response shows that you are rattled - save it for a later date 😉

He's your ex for a reason. His text sums up all the reasons why you are hugely better without him dragging you down.

Just ignore the self righteous pillock

Your son is practically an adult. He drives, he studies, he is independent, he has responsibilities and can lend support to you when needed - he sounds great.

You have clearly done, and are doing, an amazing job bringing up your children.

What a twat. I’d be tempted to just reply saying ‘cool story bro’ but I’m very immature…
He’s the new partners problem now. I would pity her and draw a sigh of relief that as soon as John is 18 and all finances are sorted, you can tell that wanker to fuck off and never to contact you again, ever.

Agreed, grey rock him. Also ask your son not to share things like this with him and show your son the text

No, just a 👍

I’m afraid I’d not send your text suggesting to talk in person, there is nothing to discuss and it reads like you want to talk to him.

just send the thumbs up, it’s fine, don’t engage.

My ex is generally very difficult with me, quite bitter, and ignores most messages unless he wants something. So when I saw the first line of his reply pop up (“Thanks, I will deliver Anne’s present…”), I thought, oh, that’s unusually civil.

I don’t understand why you are asking this person for favours and putting yourself in any way in his debt.

Post the present yourself. Yes, it is an additional ballache but surely a small price to pay not to have to communicate with this hectoring twat?

My parents had zero communication when I was an adult and whilst this was not ideal, I understood why my mother felt a clean break was necessary.

This is perfect.

Completely side swipes all of his concerns and in such a breezy way that it is highly likely to spike his blood pressure for the foreseeable.

He's a twunt and clearly not worth getting upset over.

Yes. Use this or as other posters have said, the thumbs up or 'noted'.

Your message gives away that you are upset (understandably!).

He's an utter cockwomble, OP.

What an arse

John didn’t miss any school and at 17 he is fine to spend the night on his own and drive to the station

(Unless there's a CAO in place that says you have an obligation to inform him of specific circs like John being home alone overnight), it's none of his business what John does during his time with you as long as it doesn't endanger John's health or safety. Ex may THINK that John should go to bed at 10:30 and get up at 7:30 every day, no exceptions, but he can only try to enforce that during the times John stays with him or is in his care.

The odd thing to me is the "don't mention this to John" bit, because really the deciding factor here is how John feels about occasionally dropping you at the station before school and how John feels about staying alone overnight once in a while. Perhaps your ex genuinely thinks that John does mind these things and is suffering in silence out of obligation to you - but without talking with John, he's never going to know for sure.

I'd just do a brief, breezy reply or just an acknowledgement, as suggested above and hope that ends it. Don't let it take up your time and energy or ruin your day! Keep in mind, there's absolutely nothing he can do - he's not exactly going to go to court to compel you to get an overnight babysitter for your almost-18 yo! 🤓

I would just reply ‘my thoughts on this are that I’m very proud of John. Thanks for taking the present and all the best’.

A slight tangent, OP, but how quiet is your neighbourhood that a young adult dropping their mum to the train station was the talk of the street and ‘down town’. He mentions it twice, so it clearly had a big impact on the local grapevine!