AIBU to be so shaken and upset by this WhatsApp message from my ex-husband?

[Lilifer]

Hi all,
I am looking for some outside perspective (and I maybe am BU for letting it affect me so much) because I feel shaken and upset after a message from my ex-H last night and I’m not sure whether to reply or leave it.

We are divorced and share five children together. Four are young adults now; only my youngest (17, nearly 18) call him John, still lives at home with me. I work full-time and also share care of my 87year-old mum, who lives 200 miles away. Because of a seizure this summer I’m currently not allowed to drive, so everything is trains, lifts, and juggling work/family/medical appointments. It’s been really difficult as I live rurally and public transport is not great here and I don’t have family support.

On Friday I had a neurologist appointment in the nearest city (about 75 minutes away by train). My 17yo drove me the 30 minutes to the station very early, so he wouldn’t miss any school. After the appointment I decided, since I was already most of the way there, and having checked with my son, that I’d continue down to my hometown via train to see my mum overnight. My son has been home on his own before, and he was absolutely fine about it. I came home the next day, again by two trains.

Last night, I sent my ex a friendly, perfectly polite WhatsApp. He and his partner are flying to Rome today to see one of our sons for his 21st. My sister is that son’s godmother and had a gift for him, so I asked my ex if he could take it over with him rather than risk the post. John was going over to his dad’s that evening, so I said I could give the present to him to pass on. Really straightforward, no drama, so I thought.

My ex is generally very difficult with me, quite bitter, and ignores most messages unless he wants something. So when I saw the first line of his reply pop up (“Thanks, I will deliver Anne’s present…”), I thought, oh, that’s unusually civil.

Then I opened the message properly and the rest of it felt like a kick in the stomach. This was his message:

“Thanks. I will deliver Anne’s present no bother at all.
I wanted to get in touch but wasn’t sure how to as I absolutely do not want you to say anything to John.
I was irritated and disappointed last Friday to be told down the street that not only was John home alone but that he had done a run to the train on a school day.
John is a great young fella and more than capable of looking after himself but I am curious to understand when things changed so that I am no longer informed when you are away??
If it was reversed I have no doubt you would be irritated.
I am also not happy with him driving to the train on a school day. Whilst I fully understand that you are not driving at the minute, I have no idea how much, if any, school he missed and I am sure he could do without missing more school with football, Skiing trip Maths Days & University Days already eating into Upper Sixth.
Had I been asked it is unlikely that I would have objected but I am not going to pretend that I am not annoyed about hearing all about it down town.
Let me know your thoughts and consider what you would think if the situation was reversed.”

I felt the tone was accusatory, condescending and borderline hostile, as if I’d been negligent or deceitful.

For context:
– There was absolutely nothing unsafe about the situation.
– Our son is nearly 18 and perfectly capable.
– He missed no school for me, he only drove me to the early train so that he wouldn’t miss school.
– He’d already agreed to me staying with my mum that night.
– The whole thing is a non-issue blown up into a moral lecture.

It hit me at 9.30pm, after a really long day at work, and it absolutely floored me emotionally. Communication with him always stresses me out, but this felt unnecessarily punitive and completely disproportionate. He could have asked a simple question; instead he delivered a long rant framed as “concern,” implying I’d done something inappropriate or irresponsible.

I don’t know whether to respond and clarify things calmly, reply but set a boundary, or just ignore it say nothing at all because it’s so condescending. He expects a level of behavior from me that he doesn’t hold himself to.

Has anyone dealt with an ex like this, someone who is mostly cold/ignoring, then suddenly pops up with a hostile lecture framed as “concern”? How do you handle it without letting it wreck your evening? I’m also feeling a bit fragile as am facing a likely epilepsy diagnosis and I feel I really can’t deal with this sort of stress from him right now 😔

Any advice appreciated.

Absolutely perfect response to that.

Or another one I absolutely love is “I understand that is your perspective” which on the inside translates to me “because I know you are a twat, I know you will have the perspective of a twat.”

I’m sorry for your difficulties @Lilifer one of which is your ex husband.

I would be tempted to ignore as people like this love nothing better than a chance to get into a back and forth where they can demonstrate their superior knowledge, behaviour and general moral high ground.

However if that is likely to cause you more trouble I would Thumbs up and reply 'No school missed so all good'. if he replies to that trying to engage you into an argument just repeat with a breezy 'like I said no school missed so no issue'.

He wants to know that he has upset/annoyed you as he has so little power and self awareness/knowlege in his own life.

I’d send this because it corrects his assumption that your DS missed school so it knocks the legs off his allegation.

And then simply remind yourself what a prat he is and how lucky you are to be rid of him.

Do not give this any more head room as it deserves none.

This so reminds me of my ex as our son approached adulthood and exh’s twatishhess reached a crescendo. I still remember the joy it gave me to hear him splutter the day I told him I no longer gave a flying fig what he thought. Look forward to that day OP. It’s not long now!

I think I would want to respond with “Long gone are the days that I need to run my parenting decisions past you”. But it would be best all round if you just ignore. He doesn’t deserve a response.

Honestly, you getting rattled is exactly what he’s aiming for. He’s a twat. My ex was exactly like this too and it took me a long time to see what his game was. I found (eventually!) that the best reply was something entirely neutral, something like “noted”. To ignore would result in more messages from him; so would engaging. “Noted” gives him absolutely nothing to work with, nothing to twist or use against you and, as an added bonus, is completely infuriating to a control freak.

I cannot wait! I will cheerfully tell him to fuck off once all finances are cut - until then I try to keep things civilised - I have bent myself into a pretzel over the years trying to be nice thoughtful and accommodating, and it’s gotten me nothing except contempt and bullying.

My breezy reply would be “Gosh that’s a lot of over thinking, you definitely need that holiday! Have a great time and thanks for taking the present.”

What a bell end. I bet you are glad he is an ex!

I’d reply “no school was missed, so there is no issue to resolve here.”

Had I been asked it is unlikely that I would have objected but I am not going to pretend that I am not annoyed about hearing all about it down town.

@Lilifer what exactly could he possibly object to? No school was missed and your son is practically an adult! He can make his own decisions to drive his mother to the station! Even if he was to miss something at school, I am sure the school would also show flexibility given the circumstance.

I would just ignore the ridiculous message. It's not even worth the argument. It's not like he can take your son away from you or stop him from driving you or anyone else. He can't reasonably expect that his permission will be requested for every step your practically adult son takes! And if he wants responsibility, then maybe he can come and help drive you to your appointments, so that his son doesn't miss any school!

Not to detract at all from your ex being a dick, nor the difficulties you are having at the moment with your health, your mum etc. However, I would personally expect to know (either from DC17 or from parent), that DC was alone overnight. I'd want to know so that I could bear in mind I might need to go help at short notice, or just so I could maybe even do something with them. I live near my exDH and I would be irritated if my DC was alone there, he was hundreds of miles away, and I didn't know about it. Because that then would make me the go-to parent in the event anything happened. So I don't think that's unreasonable.

This is what I’d go for as well!

Because my youngest is at uni I feel the ties haven’t been completely cut for me yet. He gives our son a decent uni allowance but he is not averse to using money as a weapon so I still have to play nice to a degree. The day I will feel finally free is when son has graduated and got a job.

He'd have got a laughing face from me. Maybe a few. I wouldn't have responded, dont waste your time.

Id probably avoid asking him for any favours. It just gives him a reason to respond.

I would message just to point out he didn’t miss any school, and that as he is nearly 18, one night alone is absolutely fine

Just 'Thanks for the info. John will drop the present off on X-day. Cheers'.

Bizarre. Your son is 17 not 7

What an arse. I wouldn’t dignify his nonsense with a response. Concentrate on your health and your lovely boy. Ex is clearly short of something to do, the watchfulness regarding your relationship with your son is weird, probably jealousy. Shame you can’t just puts the parcel too.

The last stupid text I got from my ex I sent a laughing emoji but I really regretted it. I wished I’d just not responded at all.

This is really interesting reading all of these replies as I read his message thinking it was overly formal but not unreasonable. Perhaps if he’d known John was alone he might have dropped him a message or checked in and I also read his ‘perhaps if I’d have been asked…’ as meaning he may have taken you to the station himself to save John doing it.

But I’m clearly in the minority and don’t have all the history and baggage to add context. If he’s been abusive and controlling in the past then you’ll know exactly what he’s doing!

I’m team Laughing Face too.

Custody battle? He's 17 nearly 18.

I think this is a good one.

The man's a pompous idiot. Bet you are counting down the days until you can block him forever!

He’s coming over as scolding, patronising and controlling. It’s raised my hackles! Any response will either sound defensive or reveal that he’s touched a nerve.

I left home at 17 like a lot of people do FGS.

Definitely don’t respond and I’d risk the post for the gift. Use this as an excuse to have nothing further to do with him. Think of it as a well-deserved gift to yourself for being a fantastic mum, daughter and employee.