AIBU to be so shaken and upset by this WhatsApp message from my ex-husband?

[Lilifer]

Hi all,
I am looking for some outside perspective (and I maybe am BU for letting it affect me so much) because I feel shaken and upset after a message from my ex-H last night and I’m not sure whether to reply or leave it.

We are divorced and share five children together. Four are young adults now; only my youngest (17, nearly 18) call him John, still lives at home with me. I work full-time and also share care of my 87year-old mum, who lives 200 miles away. Because of a seizure this summer I’m currently not allowed to drive, so everything is trains, lifts, and juggling work/family/medical appointments. It’s been really difficult as I live rurally and public transport is not great here and I don’t have family support.

On Friday I had a neurologist appointment in the nearest city (about 75 minutes away by train). My 17yo drove me the 30 minutes to the station very early, so he wouldn’t miss any school. After the appointment I decided, since I was already most of the way there, and having checked with my son, that I’d continue down to my hometown via train to see my mum overnight. My son has been home on his own before, and he was absolutely fine about it. I came home the next day, again by two trains.

Last night, I sent my ex a friendly, perfectly polite WhatsApp. He and his partner are flying to Rome today to see one of our sons for his 21st. My sister is that son’s godmother and had a gift for him, so I asked my ex if he could take it over with him rather than risk the post. John was going over to his dad’s that evening, so I said I could give the present to him to pass on. Really straightforward, no drama, so I thought.

My ex is generally very difficult with me, quite bitter, and ignores most messages unless he wants something. So when I saw the first line of his reply pop up (“Thanks, I will deliver Anne’s present…”), I thought, oh, that’s unusually civil.

Then I opened the message properly and the rest of it felt like a kick in the stomach. This was his message:

“Thanks. I will deliver Anne’s present no bother at all.
I wanted to get in touch but wasn’t sure how to as I absolutely do not want you to say anything to John.
I was irritated and disappointed last Friday to be told down the street that not only was John home alone but that he had done a run to the train on a school day.
John is a great young fella and more than capable of looking after himself but I am curious to understand when things changed so that I am no longer informed when you are away??
If it was reversed I have no doubt you would be irritated.
I am also not happy with him driving to the train on a school day. Whilst I fully understand that you are not driving at the minute, I have no idea how much, if any, school he missed and I am sure he could do without missing more school with football, Skiing trip Maths Days & University Days already eating into Upper Sixth.
Had I been asked it is unlikely that I would have objected but I am not going to pretend that I am not annoyed about hearing all about it down town.
Let me know your thoughts and consider what you would think if the situation was reversed.”

I felt the tone was accusatory, condescending and borderline hostile, as if I’d been negligent or deceitful.

For context:
– There was absolutely nothing unsafe about the situation.
– Our son is nearly 18 and perfectly capable.
– He missed no school for me, he only drove me to the early train so that he wouldn’t miss school.
– He’d already agreed to me staying with my mum that night.
– The whole thing is a non-issue blown up into a moral lecture.

It hit me at 9.30pm, after a really long day at work, and it absolutely floored me emotionally. Communication with him always stresses me out, but this felt unnecessarily punitive and completely disproportionate. He could have asked a simple question; instead he delivered a long rant framed as “concern,” implying I’d done something inappropriate or irresponsible.

I don’t know whether to respond and clarify things calmly, reply but set a boundary, or just ignore it say nothing at all because it’s so condescending. He expects a level of behavior from me that he doesn’t hold himself to.

Has anyone dealt with an ex like this, someone who is mostly cold/ignoring, then suddenly pops up with a hostile lecture framed as “concern”? How do you handle it without letting it wreck your evening? I’m also feeling a bit fragile as am facing a likely epilepsy diagnosis and I feel I really can’t deal with this sort of stress from him right now 😔

Any advice appreciated.

I think this sounds good ,but equally i think ignoring him is good too.
He is clearly a dick , i bet you think you are well rid of him .
Your son sounds lovely 😊

I don't think this is particularly nasty, it warrants an eye roll and nothing more. A quick thing will suffice; thanks I'll give John the present, he didn't miss any school at all and I checked with him if he was ok on his own overnight, I'll let him know if it happens again to remember he can give you a call.

This 200%

my ex can be like this. he used to bitchplop texts on me late in the evening, i used to get all anxious and upset and annoyed.. i've had to teach myself to roll my eyes, take a breath, and ignore it, and had a lot of CBT to help myself process the feelings.

Do not explain yourself, you do not owe him one.

Do not acknowledge the text as a whole,

Grey rock.

You're not married, John is nearly an adult, your ex is just being a dick.. he's probably having a crap day and taking it out on you, because its easy to do that... my ex and i get on a bit better these days and he's admitted he used to do this.

If you MUST reply for your own sanity, respond to the bit of the text about the present, then add a simple 'john was fine with it, he didn't miss school."

if he persists, i always found "There's nothing to discuss" shut down any further attempts on it.

I haven’t read all the responses so sorry if I’m doubling up
I know exactly how it feels to be triggered by an exes messages. He’s a total idiot, how could her even be bothered to spend the time typing out that message . Clearly not a happy man . Ignore him but I know that is easier said that done. You won’t ever be able to stop him being a twat, but you can control how you respond and luckily as your children are mostly grown hopefully this won’t be a big issue much longer . Be kind to yourself, ignore him or send a quick reply without addressing any of it and don’t pay him anymore thought. Every time he messages you and you have a response, you are giving him space in your head. Next time think of something else positive for you to do instead of spending a single thought on him. He’s a bellend. Stay strong x

This. This is what I would do. Just the reaction. Not even a reply.

I wish I could reply to every single message as you have all said some really helpful and really useful stuff.

i will check out that website that a poster linked for dealing with high conflict people. Thank you 🙏

without going into too much detail I left our marriage, it wasn’t physically abusive but it felt very mentally/emotionally abusive to me, there was a lot of name calling, a lot of contempt. and I still get triggered when he kicks off like this, (he did this a lot when we were married)

I know that my response is disproportionate and that’s on me, and something I need to work on. Because we live in a small town, close to each other and are still connected financially till youngest moves out I try and walk a fine balance of being friendly and accommodating but also trying to protect my peace, I post him updates a lot, photos of the kids etc if I’ve met up with them, keep him in the loop, most of the time he doesn’t even acknowledge these messages. I didn’t think to let him know about the overnight as it was last minute, and I had just had a pretty tough meeting with my neurologist who has basically said an epilepsy diagnosis is likely but wants to get cardiology investigations done first. My seizzure was tonic clonic but I had what they now think was a focal seizure a couple of years ago so two seizures now. I really just needed to see my mum and have a hug with her after all that, I find it hard being divorced and away form the rest of my mum and siblings. My ex would never offer a lift or any help and has never once asked how I am or if he can do anything since I had my seizure, (and he is a healthcare professional)

To the poster who told me about the DVA thing and getting back to driving thanks so much that’s really helpful.

After last night I am nearly grateful because I have struggled with major guilt over leaving my marriage because of not giving my kids the gift of living in a happy home with parents together. However when he behaves like this, I realise that I did the right thing, becasue our home was toxic and tense. The split was awful and I know it will have left scars on them all, I carry the guilt of that, but I am damn proud of those kids as they are all incredible young people and they make me so happy and proud.

I will work to not get so triggered and I will take all the great advice here on board , thank you lovely people ♥️

I liked your proposed reply @Lilifer and you could also say ‘don’t remember you running uni visit by me, but happens I’m fine with it because, Like me, I know you have our son’s best interests at heart’

make yourself a calendar where you can tear off each day until you’re done with the arsehole!

He's a twat, Just remember that every time you start to feel anxious or upset by his twattyness.

He’s an arse, give it no more thought. Hugs to you, hope your health improves quickly.

Also. I have do not disturb set in the evening till the morning. So only people like my DS’s, DH, parents, siblings etc can get through.

^^I think this too.

I think his history of acting like an arse is what’s caused such a big reaction, together with the fact you’re clearly having a rough time right now.

I guess my only question is whether there’s any truth in what he said - would you be annoyed if he went away for the night and left your son in his house alone? I’d assume not - but on the off chance that you have ever said/implied this then he would have a point.

You could just tell him to get fucked, but I would consider the future. You’ve got five DC together, there will be grandchildren, weddings etc and it would be easier if things weren’t openly hostile.

I would be inclined to ignore the tone and reply as if it’s a perfectly natural and normal conversation.

“Sounds as if there’s been a misunderstanding somewhere as John didn’t miss any school. It was only a flying overnight visit to my mum and, as you say, John is very capable, so it didn’t occur to me that you’d want to know. John was more than happy at home. I’d obviously let you know if I were planning a holiday etc, as I hope you would in return. Thanks very much for taking Ann’s gift to Simon, really appreciated. “

I would absolutely kill the fucker with kindness while making it subtly clear that you don’t take orders from him any more.

He sounds horrid! What a nasty man. He lives nearby, your son could have asked him for help, if any was needed while you were away. Nothing to complain about at all.

I love that answer! Can I ask you for advice next time he fires a missile?? 😅

I would have been annoyed if he had left him alone when he was like 15 maybe but no, he’s stayed alone in both houses for up to two days and all was ok / in fact a couple years back I had booked a trip away for 3 night with the girls and given him several months notice that he was looking after John and his older brother (they were then 15 and 17) and then a week before I was going he informed me that he had been invited to a rugby international and of course just couldn’t miss out on that and said the boys could go back to my house for the nights he was away, at that stage there was fuck all I could do, I told him that was unfair of him when he was meant to be in charge but he’s always done what he wants, John was ok and he had his 17 year old brother with him but i couldn’t believe he would just renege of his responsibility like that when it suited him.

Me too. Granted it was donkeys years ago (1982) but I was renting a damp 3 bed from a farmer a week before my 18th birthday. Neither of my parents had a clue who or what I was up to.

I wouldn’t even reply. My ex and dh ex sent messages like this and we just used to carry on with the day. John is clearly a very capable young man!

OP I’d be sorely tempted to send him a laughing emoji - ask him if he read the message before he sent it and say that if he did mean to send it then you hope non of your sons end up being as deranged as he is trying to control his ex and nearly adult son. Wish him all the best and tell him not to bother contacting you going forward as your babysitting days are over!

why a wanker her is!😂

5 children together and the youngest one nearly 18. You have likely endured more than enough and you are nearly free. Don’t respond. Look ahead and nothing him.

Yeah, send him a 👍

😉

The tone of the message is really unnecessary but agree with PP that your strong reaction is probably more of a response to his previous treatment of you than that particular message which really just deserves a brush off.

I don't think it's entirely inappropriate for him to be checking in, though. It sounds like John is taking on more tasks than he otherwise would because of your health issues. This isn't wrong, but children who have to support parents' medical conditions do sometimes suffer because of it. Checking up that you aren't overburdening John (which I'm not saying this incident was) is well within his remit as a parent. He should just be doing it in a supportive way.

Tbh the weirdest thing to me is a. You asking him to take this gift if hes hostile and b. That youre surprised he was.

If i replied, which i might as i had asked for a favour, id say something like.. Thanks, its appreciated. Just so your reassured, he dropped me off well before school so nothing was missed. Ill send John with the gift

Id say nothing about the overnight (John's 17 not 7) or about his hypothetical objection, which he can stick up his quite honestly.

You have to call his bluff, surely OP!

'Oh yes, John mentioned that you came into the shop and he told you about me visiting my mum. You must have forgotten to ask him if he missed any school. No need to worry he didn't miss anything. Thanks for passing the present on.'

Perfect response ! X

OP What an absolute tosser of a man, home alone at 17?? My grandson spent 6 weeks in Cambodia at 17! Horrible man upsetting you like this when you're having so much to deal with.

Ooof I'm still team thumbs up but with that update I would be sorely tempted to text him 'name/city of international rugby tornament' and nothing else. But I wouldn't

Maybe a eyebrow up emoji if I was feeling really naughty

What a pathetic twat