Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

Yes I would, I’d out my kids first if I promised a family Xmas. I’d meet that promise. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it,

There are some scenarios in which your kids shouldn’t come first and it’s an important life lesson for them to realise that. This is definitely one of them.

I don’t think it’s remotely nice to make a promise to your kids and break it. We have different definitions of nice.

Agree - plus if I was Sheila I would make my own plans and not expect or want to spend Xmas Day with OP and her DC. She's being cast in this 'sad' role on zero evidence.

I would stick to what you have promised and have a quiet family Christmas. You asked if they mind, they do and have explained why.

I spent many years trying to be all things to all people and have had people behave badly over at Christmas. Now I put my husband and DC first.

Plan something with your friend for the weekend - 27/28 December.

@Thebigonesgetaway I do understand your point, but these are young adults who surely have some understanding of the situation? They’re not young children.

I’m just saddened that they aren’t prepared to host Shelia for just a few hours.

A few years ago, my DH and DC were away on a pre-Christmas trip while I had to work. Their flight home was cancelled due to storms and they didn’t make it home until Christmas evening. One of my colleagues invited me over to her house for Christmas Day with her DH and university -aged children whom I’d never met. I declined as I was fine, but it was so thoughtful. As you say, we have different definitions of nice.

Absolutely, and if they are good friends, then Sheila knows the op promised the kids a family Xmas with no one else due to last year.

But had your colleague promised her children it would just be them this Xmas? After a terrible one last year? I somehow doubt it. And this is the issue. She made a promise.

Ok, 25 is maybe pushing it a bit! I would have said 22 but conscious that its tougher economic times than when i graduated so some might get longer to launch.

My point was that children who are still at university will generally still consider their parents’ house as their home.

@Thebigonesgetaway I have no idea, but I’m sure they didn’t particularly want a strange woman showing up. She said they were all in their pajamas! I think they’re just very kind people. 🤷

As I said upthread, my DD is asking a uni friend to ours for Christmas (for several days). Do we particularly want to host her, no. But if she needs to get away from her warring family, we will.

I suppose that I’m just used to being flexible as situations do change. It genuinely surprises me that having someone over for a meal is such a big deal. Not the entire festive season, literally a few hours.

It's tricky when you've promised them a quiet family day after last year's drama with your in laws. I can see why your DC aren't keen.

I think guests like this on Christmas day work better when you're having a variety of people over. Plonking one person into a family's Christmas Day who is near stranger to most people is more awkward.

That said barring her for the whole 3 days is being too demanding.

When was the last time you had a Xmas exactly as you like @Blizzardofleaves? It wasn’t last year.
What does your DH say about this or are you the only parent carrying the guilt of your adult children’s emotional wellbeing?

What is your role at home on Xmas day just family? What will all these other adults be doing to demonstrate it’s your day to enjoy too? Or are you just there to cook dinner, make sure everyone has what they want etc. Who asked what is on your Xmas list?

I find this language very loaded, manipulative, and quite offensive,,,nice people, kind people, insinuating these kids are neither as after a shit Xmas last year they don’t want to spend Xmas with a complete stranger.

these kids will still see this as their family home, only have 3 days, were promised a family Xmas, and don’t want to spend it with a complete stranger, I think this is fine and doesn’t make them horrible people, unkind or not nice.

You made a promise to your family, following last year’s debacle. You should honour that, especially as they don’t know ‘Sheila’.
It sounds like you are tying yourself in knots to be a good person, but in this situation you should put your family first.
Also, it may be excruciating for ‘Sheila’ to watch you all enjoying being together when that’s what she’s missing.

They do sound very selfish and lacking in compassion tbh. That is unattractive.

Absolutely this, it is one day and it is actually more about showing kindness than being selfish.

Why is Sheila’s social circle so small? Is it a reflection of her personality?

What happens if she comes over and ends up drunk? Crying all day? Nitpicks throughout the day? That will be the kids doing their own thing from next year.

Christmas is the one time of year most get with their family so I would have to put mine first.

Let's be honest, you've picked the name Sheila because subconsciously you know there's always weird drama with Sheilas. They have big chunky beaded necklaces and have recently split up with someone. They will drink too much wine and possibly behave inappropriately with people over the festive season. They will bring laughably shit gifts. They will smell weird. Your children sense this. Don't be a Sheila enabler this Christmas.

I think sometimes there is an instant people are being selfish and controlling when actually people are allowed to have opinions (especially when asked or have an idea floated that actually demands an answer).

We cannot simultaneously teach our children to and want them to have boundaries about what they do and don’t feel comfortable with yet immediately jump to the idea they are being selfish and controlling when they assert an actual fairly reasonable boundary.

because having a quiet Christmas to relax after a term of being at University and time with your parents and just to chill is a perfectly valid and normal boundary and desire and one which has been agreed and discussed.

it is ok to put yourself and your own feelings first sometimes - kindness shouldn’t be a sacrifice

and there is absolutely nothing that says Sheila would want this - there is every chance sitting with someone else’s kids when yours are away would be her idea of a nightmare!

Not the same as they are family, but we are having my ghastly sil on Christmas eve and my awful brother on boxing day because otherwise they will be on their own. The dc aren't thrilled but we have kept Christmas day to just ourselves, I think your dc abu to object to all 3 days.

Its a hard one i think, you all should feel comfortable on the big day at home but theres also the view that when your children leave the nest or go elsewhere for Xmas ie partners their parents would they want you to be alone on Xmas day.

Maybe say to them i am going to invite her for 1 of the days.

Edited to say she may decline anyway.

If my choice was to upset my children and have another ruined Christmas with them when there won’t be many if any more before partners and alternating and such.

Yes I’d not invite a friend.

They had a bad Christmas last year, op promised a family Christmas this year. She’s asked they said nah rather not to the friend.

I dread the day mums alone and the whole guilt of not leaving her alone vs a happy and harmonious Christmas in my home. Same if mil ends up widowed frankly. Neither bring cheer or thoughts of joy by being at my home on Christmas. Think I’d start going aboard tbh.

Sorry but your kids sound like ungrateful little ratbags. If you want to invite Sheila, invite her.

What are they supposed to be grateful for?

My friend‘s husband has literally just left her and her three daughters. This thread has reminded me and I have just messaged her to say that she and the kids are welcome. I doubt she’ll accept but I just wanted her to know that she can come over for dinner or pop over in the evening any time.

I haven’t yet checked with my parents, husband, sister or my uni aged kids because I know that they will have sympathy for my friend and welcome her.