Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

If my choice was to upset my children and have another ruined Christmas with them when there won’t be many if any more before partners and alternating and such.

@BettysRoasties I think what some of us with similar-aged children are struggling with is why it’s such a big deal to be kind towards this lady for just a few hours?

My two (20 and 17) would understand her situation and think it was the right thing to do to invite her. She’s not their awful grandparents who got shitfaced last year, why would hosting her for a few hours “ruin” their entire Christmas?

As her children are so resistant, I imagine that the OP won’t invite Shelia, which is fine. I think she’s just surprised at their reaction.

If you're using Christmas Day as a life lesson for your young adult kids don't expect them to keep coming in future!

I view having your adult children coming home for Christmas as a privilege, not something we are entitled to and which they should be grateful for.

Because last year Christmas was ruined and OP promised them a lovely lazy Christmas as a family. She’s now going back on her promise.

@InsanelySturdy Yes, I think my family would be the same, they’d be understanding.

Presumably she won’t be alone if she treats her children as her priority!

If my mum told me that my Christmas was now becoming about her friends and her kids I’d tell her to get to fuck

Your children sound extremely selfish and unkind, I’d be ashamed of them if I were you.

@IAmBroke Yes, she is. But the young adults’ reaction is still surprising to me. I expect the OP thought they’d react differently too.

Why? You don’t owe anyone anything and it’s not OP’s kid’s fault that she’s on her own.

And if that works for all of you, that’s fine.

Some of us are much more shy, retiring and quiet and would find having a virtual stranger (in the OP’s case) there really difficult. I know that 18 year old me would be horrified, I was painfully shy and after a term (especially a first term) of uni I would want to be able to completely relax in what was, for me, a very safe, comforting space.

And for all the OP knows, Sheila could end up being a drunken, sobbing nightmare. And the family are back where they were last Christmas.

I’d take into account their feelings in Xmas eve but disregard the rest. Your house. Your rules

I don’t really understand the problem OP.
You have already promised your own family a quiet and peaceful family Christmas as you haven’t seen the DC for a good while. Furthermore, they suffered a disaster last year which they need to wipe out of their minds and replace with a lovely relaxed time this year with no terrible nightmare surprises. You seem very understanding if that and keen to oblige.

Presumably, you haven’t yet invited your friend.
Just invite her, and make a fuss of her at a time the DC aren’t there with you….maybe Sunday 21st or 28th….or arrange something for New Year when the DC are with their own friends.
I’m sure your DC don’t mean to be dictatorial but it’s just that they really do love to come home to lovely family traditions with no stress at Christmas so I’d consider that a priority and try to ensure the friend feels valued and wanted at another time.

Friend wont be bringing any children though

Her post says
I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

Hmm, let's think. Maybe a caring mother, one who's caring enough to think of others at Christmas?

25th I get they maybe to chill etc

but why can’t she come round 26

your Kids don’t get to dictate

@IAmBroke I guess I’m lucky that my children would never speak to me like that.

Your kids are unreasonable and sound a bit brattish tbh. Tired as uni finishes 2 weeks before Christmas, exams or not, is quite an excuse.

Meanwhile, you're in your home and you have a life which includes your friends and who you're perfectly entitled to invite for lunch.

Even though it's Christmas day, it's nice to share and it's very kind of you to consider inviting her.

I would visit Shelia on boxing day morning while your DC are in bed, presuming they like a lie in. Take a nice present/food to Shelia.

So having any form of personal boundary and ability to answer a question truthfully is selfish and unkind

Life has to be a balance between your own and others needs. In this instance given that Sheila is a perfectly capable adult for whom it is likely to be awkward anyway saying no and asserting a personal boundary is neither selfish nor unkind.

there isn’t a reward for being a martyr

As for their reaction, that would depend on how they've have been raised and what is normal in their family. If they've never hosted "waifs and strays" on Christmas day I'd expect a different response than if such a thing was commonplace for them.

I’m lucky my mum would never be so narcissistic as to think we all want to be around her friend!

@Deadringer
Why didn't you try to have to have them on the one day...two birds with one stone

Because last years invited guests ruined the day and the children asked for what is possibly the last family only Christmas to be a chilled relaxed pj affair and the op agreed.

They are probably quite anxious at the mention of this unknown to them guest after last year as well as then loosing the chilled and relaxed vibe.

Tho I would tell mine Boxing Day was more fair game. I’d give them Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

@IAmBroke We clearly see this situation very differently, different strokes for different folks and all that.

it seems a lot of people on this thread would rather have the praise of others over the love of their children.