Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

Plenty of people without a fully developed prefrontal cortex manage to be polite, gracious and interested in people besides themselves and their own comforts.

I can remember being a uni student home for Christmas and my parents started invited our elderly single neighbour over when her sister died. I can remember being privately gutted about this because having a guest wasn't really the quiet low stakes Christmas that I wanted to sleep in and slob around, but I'm glad we did it, for her. I don't think the teens should be able to veto 3 days. You've asked them, so I'd try to honour their preferences in part, by not having her over all day, but I would invite her for part of Christmas day - maybe for dinner and prosecco in the evening while films/Christmas TV is on and the teens can lurk on their phones or slink off to their rooms if they want.

I think you are BU. It’s their home, and you are going against something you promised them last year.

Have you read OP’s update? She ruined their last Christmas and promised them a quiet one this year. OP has no obligation to this woman.

This. 👍

We dunno that Sheila is going to on her own over that period or indeed if she is looking forward to pleasing herself or going away to a spa or any number of possibilities other than spending the time with OP and her DCs. The chance that OP is her only option is unlikely so the whole thing has a lot of assumptions.

I can see why they wouldn't want someone in the house, especially as I hate to say, she may bring the relaxed, happy mood down (understandably). I don't think they have any right to veto the idea but I would take their feelings and thoughts into consideration for Xmas Day itself. It's tough on them though if you want to invite for Christmas Eve or Boxing Day as a nice gesture.
But remember, it is your home and you wouldn't direct them what to do if you visited them would you?!

It's Schrödinger's Sheila. Sheila could turn out to be a total mood hoover or it could be absolutely fine and a wonderful day had by all. Unfortunately, you won't know until after.
Your children just don't want a crappy Christmas again. Only You know both parties. Do you think Sheila will be a good addition on the day or do you think she will really struggle? If she'll struggle I would pop out after lunch and go and see her (maybe bring a plate of food for her) and you can have a proper chat.

I think you have answered your own question here - it wouldn't be fair on your children in these circs or on Sheila. Can you invite her for NYE instead?

I would want to come home and completely relax with my family without a friend there.

Christmas is about goodwill to all especially those who are low.

Last year their Christmas was about pissed in-laws and their dogs ruining the whole day so their mum promised this Christmas would be all about the four of them as a family. (edit - or three, not sure exactly how many the core family is)

@IAmBroke The OP didn’t ruin their last Christmas, her awful in-laws did by getting drunk. The OP isn’t responsible for their behavior!

@IAmBroke The OP didn’t ruin their last Christmas, her awful in-laws did by getting drunk. The OP isn’t responsible for their behavior!

i think the point is that the OP's 'more the merrier' approach resulted in the xmas being ruined, hence her promise about this year. She's responsible for what she promised.

There's a compromise to be had here. She comes round boxing day and they go to the restaurant without you. Or you pop round to her place for an hour or 2 christmas day or boxing day. They don't have to spend time with her if they don't want to but that doesn't mean you can't.

I agree with this. I wouldn't want to come home to a grieving woman I hardly knew (grieving for her marriage).

I invited a college friend over last year who is estranged from her parents and would have been alone - my teen boys made her feel so welcome, I was incredibly proud of them. ❤️

Have people forgotten what Christmas is supposed to be all about. Peace and goodwill. Growing up, we always had randoms for dinner. Anyone who would be alone would be invited and I've carried on that tradition.

I'd tell my kids to like or lump it and remind them of how lucky they are

Unless Shiela is going to get shit faced and fall over herself then I’m sure they could cope with her on Boxing Day. That would be easy in a restaurant setting anyway as lots of people milling around. We’ve had a few strays appear at Christmas dinners over the years and it’s always ended up a really nice day regardless.

If people can’t extend kindness at Christmas then that’s quite sad. None of us know what situation we might find ourselves in due to circumstances. If your kids ever end up alone at Christmas then I’m sure they would welcome an invitation.

There are many hours in Christmas day so surely they can spare a few of them, either for breakfast or lunch. Mind you, if i were Sheila I would prefer to stay home rather than spend any time with two surly young adults, slobbing around in their PJ's, resenting my presence.

I cannot bear this stifling idea of Christmas with ONLY family in matching pyjamas etc, lazing around calling friends of any family members 'random strangers'. It is all so dull and antisocial.

You promised your kids a family Christmas.

Do you not keep promises you make to your kids?

I think it’s lovely that you’re thinking of your friend but I can also understand why your kids don’t want someone they don’t know coming for Christmas.

In your position I’d insist on some compromise and tell them you’re popping out to spend some time with your friend over Christmas, even if it’s just for a walk/coffee at some point while they’re still in bed.

I don’t think they get to insist on striking off Christmas Eve and Boxing Day as well.

Has Sheila said there is an issue? Or are you assuming there is an issue?

I am afraid I would respect my kids wishes, not having someone there first day home, family Xmas, then your tradition of Boxing Day, without entertaining someone it does change the dynamic and they don’t know this woman. As hard as it is.

my daughter is the same, coming home is time to recharge, she doesn’t want to be dressed and ready to entertain or interact with what to her is a stranger. And I respect that, as when it comes down to it, she wins top trumps in who is most important and my time with her is always precious.

Looks like it from a lot of these posts, sadly

@pinkdelight Yes, she did. It’s just a shame that for a few hours, they’re not prepared to be generous towards someone in a sad situation .

I feel rather sorry for the OP, she sounds like the nicest person in her family. Perhaps her DH is nice too though.