Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

Studying medicine needs recovering from because of the huge amounts of partying. If they are that shattered just from studying, with no drinking, I'll eat my hat.

I think the only person coming across as unpleasant is you.

Unable to control yourself out of fear of being banned. Accusing people being kind of seeking praise. Telling the OP she is a bad mum. What made you so bitter, unregulated and unhappy? What has triggered you here?

The OP says they don't drink, but does say they will be tired at Christmas due to studying and the number of parties

Why would you assume that today’s students can’t simply attend parties without drinking? You would be amazed at the number of students that do not drink. I’m surprised you don’t know this.

🧢 lunch time!

Good lord. Isn’t this what Christmas is about?!! I don’t get not inviting someone on their own at all!!

My family Christmasses as a teen then adult often included someone who would have been otherwise alone: a neighbour who literally had no family, a friend of my aunts who was having a difficult time, one year a foreign student friend of mine who couldn’t afford to get back home. My parents extended the invitation to anyone and couldn’t bear the thought of someone being unhappily alone. It wouldn’t even have entered my head to kick up a stink about it!!

Im not saying they rocked up at 7am to do the pressie-opening-in-pyjamas bit but I could never begrudge someone joining us for Christmas lunch and maybe a walk afterwards.

Goodwill to all men and all that…

How did OP's kids' father's drunk family and their inedible dinner become 'OP ruined their last Christmas'?

Does everything become the woman's fault in your eyes?

The misogyny is real.

Everyone is free to do what they wish, and it’s fine to be with just family at Christmas if that’s what works. But accusing those who do choose to invite others on Xmas day, of virtue-signalling or seeking praise or being patronising is just odd. That bitter negative mindset is a symptom of how selfish people have become.

And the hyperbole. My uni kids would be able to get over a drunk turkey-free Xmas pretty quickly and not be traumatised for 12 months afterwards.

I would offer to meet Sheila on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day, the dog walk is a good idea. Maybe offer to take over some food if she's alone and not planning on going to too much trouble cooking.

I think you probably won't have too many more Christmases where both DC will both be home at the same time without partners, so I would respect that they don't want to spend Christmas Day with a stranger.

They were disappointed, not ‘traumatised’ there is a world of difference between the two.

My mother did not actually have friends she had people she used for personal gain and she would choose them over her kids every single time.

So why did you not mention gran died two years ago?

It’s not unreasonable at all to prioritise your dc especially under the circumstances and when you have already promised to do just that. It’s your prerogative to ask for advice and then make your own mind up. You know the situation best. There will always be posters who don’t agree and who want to argue their point.
Please don’t agonising over your friend who to whom you can dedicate your full attention and time, on an alternative date. Just let her know when you want to invite her and make it special. She no doubt needs her own recovery time with her own memories to help her heal. I’m sure it will be fine.

Is it worth floating the idea of doing next year's Christmas a little differently? Maybe asking them if they'd like to bring a friend to Christmas dinner too. It sounds like this year isn't the right year but that doesn't mean it's something they couldn't get used to.

It wasn’t two years ago, that was an assumption and it didn’t seem relevant to this year, as this is about my dc asking for a quiet family Christmas and nothing to do with their grandmother. I was just highlighting the fact we have had some shocking Christmases in the past.

This would be a values thing for me. I’d invite my friend for Christmas lunch and tell the kids they have Xmas eve, xmas morning to lounge around but you will have guests.

I would just say this is who we are as a family - but then again we did invite a ukrainian refugee to stay despite the kids protestations and guess what it was fine and they got over it.

OP you sound quite defensive but if you had put the detail in your original post you wouldnt have got so many skewed answers.

You havent even clarified if Sheila even wants to do to Christmas dinner with another family- you dont even know if this is something she even wants! As far as we know, Sheila might be lonely as hell OR she might be absolutely fine having Christmas on her own and may well decline any invitation from you. It's all very nebulous.

I must admit I did wonder when I saw this mentioned. My kids at that age would have still been pissing themselves a year later at being served undercooked turkey and people getting hammered. I suppose we’re all different but it’s hardly the end of the world. My daughter invited us for Christmas lunch one year and it was so comical, the time kept getting pushed back and back and back (by hours, she underestimated the work involved I think) and we were literally starving by the time we ate and the younger kids were saying every 5 minutes ‘we’re hungry.’. Me and my OH still laugh about it, it’s hardly the end of the world. Some people are more resilient (damaged 😂) than others.

I can’t go into much detail here but yes Christmas isn’t an easy time of year, so maybe you are picking up on that. I do want dc to have a lovely time this year, and Shelia would love an invite, and has dropped hints.

It was hard to laugh at the lack of food with sil hysterical in the kitchen and her dc falling on their dog. Maybe it was us just not seeing the funny side of Christmas…

I know you have not expressed it like that. Other posters have used words like ‘disastrous’ and other extreme language when describing the effect on them. Your posts have been pretty measured in my point of view and you have been reflective and considered when making decisions. Some other people here have lost the plot, not you.

Quite. Unless someone gets significantly hurt, these kind of events are the stuff of family folklore. Not to be dwelled upon for years afterwards.

I had a christmas like this and it was my mother doing this - she did it when I was a child. We never, and won’t ever, go to hers for Christmas dinner again. She’s welcome at ours whenbI can call a cab when she’s had too many but I’d never put my children through that again.

I am taking it that neither of you have spent Christmas Day in the home of an obnoxious drunk. Lunch taking too long is very different to that

There's a big difference between someone getting tipsy and cooking a crap lunch, and someone being so drunk that they're aggressive / incapable / unpleasant to be around.

I think perhaps it's easy to think 'Oh, we've all seen Auntie Susan get a bit silly on the sherry and mess up the Christmas dinner' but I suspect perhaps you haven't experienced the other side of the 'drunk at Christmas' coin where things become nasty and depressing and people are aggressive, upset, crying, breaking things etc.