Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

This is a good idea! As dc likely will be in bed anyway in the morning. Perhaps we can take the dogs out for a long walk and have a hot chocolate on Boxing Day.

I have a gift for her anyway, so she she has something to open. I was thinking we could go out for drinks on 23rd too. It would mean she won’t have so many days to fill. She also won’t have to sit with other people's children on Xmas day when her dc are so far away, which might be upsetting.

Yeah my DN is in year 2 of medical degree at imperial college. Managed to work and travel during the holidays. She wouldn't claim to be so exhausted that she's needing to be run around after for the holidays and everything done for her benefit

Grieving. It has to be at least 2 years since grandmother died

So? I still grieve my grandmother on the anniversary of her death, and at celebrations like Christmas

Maybe give her a ring on Christmas day if she isn't with you and does end up being on her own, so she knows you're thinking about her. Or have her over for part of the day......
I think I would struggle leaving her on her own in Christmas day, whatever you've promised your children. They are old enough to know plans shift slightly at times and if they are all medical, they have some common ground.
Over the years, we've had various friends with us on Christmas Day, so that they aren't in their own.....

Glad I don't have such a big reaction to anniversaries of people's deaths then. Id be spending half the year remembering who died when. 4 grandparents, 2 parents, one sibling, one grandchild. All died different dates

It’s almost like everyone is different

Perhaps read the OP's update!!

Well yeah Sitting there not doing stuff as it's the anniversary of a relatives death seems insane to me. And I had 4 close relatives die in a 20 month stretch. Basically live is for the living

Shocked at how selfish people are these days. I would be upset if my children lacked compassion in this way.

And that’s awful, but her kids want a quiet Christmas for multiple reasons

My dc pitch in, they clean and cook and planned to cook the whole of Christmas lunch this year. It’s not about them expecting to be catered for, they are just tired and want to relax I think.

And looks like they are getting it. Next year maybe the OP can stand up for herself and not let herself be dictated to by "adult" kids if she wants to do something different

You sound like you are having an affair! Hope your DCs dont know you are sneaking out to meet a friend- it might ruin their pjs and their embargoed Xmas

Just wait until they get their first boyfriend or girlfriend...

Or maybe don't promise your kids a quiet Christmas and then backtrack.

Id never promise my adult kids anything so that would'nt be an issue

Guests and friends are people you’d hate to make an effort for.
Not much of a friend, are you?

I was replying to a person who said "I have no family or friends either and pretty much spend all Christmases alone."

I was not saying anything about people alone at Christmas who do have family and friends.

You might want to re-read. “Especially the Christmas period is very busy for them with exams and parties” - directly lifted from the OPs post.
Their grandmother died several years ago. I appreciate that the anniversary may be difficult but they are not in the throes of acute grief. Their substandard Christmas dinner last year was because their aunt - who hosted - had received a serious and possibly life threatening diagnosis. If she was struggling with the cooking perhaps these adults could have stepped up and given her a hand rather than moaning about it.
I stand by my point.

I don't get this comment. My uni boyfriend went home to a county 2 hours away from mine for Christmas for all 4 years. I don't think either of us spent a Christmas with each other's family until we got married.

As someone who has spent Christmas alone a few times now, actual day itself is fine - you can have some nice food, go on a walk, enjoy a special programme or book. The hard part is often the days around it so i think OP’s plans of arranging something with Sheila for boxing day, etc are good.

Of all the PP’s badmouthing OP’s children and calling them selfish, etc - Have you experienced both being a student on a demanding course AND spending the Christmas period alone? I have (obviously the former in much earlier life) and my sympathies are still with the DC at uni.

I think this may be a situation of introverts v extroverts as to which scenario you find worse. An introvert does NOT find the prospect of Christmas alone awful. Its maybe tough the first time (especially if its a bereavement scenario) - but its arguably a rite-of-passage of being an adult that we should all be prepared to face it at some point.

Who’s claiming theyre exhausted and demanding to be run around after?

But they can still have a quiet Xmas, with Sheila.

They are intelligent adults, a bit of raw turkey and some drunken people is frustrating but hardly devastating or traumatic. And their aunt was obviously struggling mentally

Sheila may or may not want to come but one adult guest does not change Xmas drastically. It doesn't prevent them doing anything they have requested of their Xmas and may massively help a woman who's had a really difficult year

Medicine exams are not that difficult and don't need days to recover from. They are going to have harder exams in their career! OP said they don't drink not that they don't party

@Suednymph

your mother had friends? Wow, how did she not know that when you become a mother you can’t have friends or interests out of the family or hobbies or go to the gym…a mother needs to only have family time and concentrate solely on the kids. Kids come first always and forever.

People on MN revel staying in their ‘jammies’ 🤢 and love not having to dress themselves. I think it’s the highlight of their Christmas!