Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

This differs from the other thread in 2 important ways. Firstly, OP had already promised her DC a family only Christmas, after a disastrous one last year. Secondly, her DC are "coming home". They are at UNI, but I imagine they still see this as their real home.
I would keep Christmas Day for your family unit OP, but not let the dictate Boxing Day. Could you meet your friend for a nice walk /watch the boxing day dippers/visit her, what ever you enjoy doing together?

Thr thread has clarified this for me. Really weighing up everyone’s input and my dc’s position had really helped crystallise it.

Both dc are doing very demanding degrees (medicine) they are genuinely on their knees when they return. Both are fairly quiet, non drinkers and are studious and thoughtful. They are not fans of noisy drunken events, and I respect that of course. I would say they were kind and serious. Last year was the opposite of what they enjoy as people. They like healthy walks and good food. Time together at home. I don’t thinks it’s unreasonable.

I’d be ashamed at my inability to read all the OP’s posts before opening my mouth, to be honest. Or did you read that their grandmother died on Christmas Day a few years ago and think, well, they can just suck that up?

What are you talking about a drunken MIL for? The OP’s MIL is dead, and her SIL was diagnosed with the same condition that killed her mother and got drunk last Christmas.

Lots of people I know survived and thrived doing a med degree, including in my family, and would be laughed out of town if they protested visitors at home because they needed two weeks to recover from the year. They are adults - are they going to be bustling around helping? Cutting carrots and vacuuming floors and getting our plates and washing dishes? If not, what makes these adults think they can go off to live their student lives, come home and do nothing and dictate to their mum? I’d invite her round on one of those days, since i suspect the dc won’t have done much of the work I’d pointedly say adults who have had an entire Christmas hosted fro them while they don’t even have to get dressed should be a bit more gracious to the woman who’s done all the work don’t you think? Don’t I deserve to do something I want as well or are you the only people in this house that count?

You are a lovely friend to be considering Sheila. Could you go for a Boxing Day walk with her in the morning before your meal out? And then see her properly at New Year (or inbetween).

I think they are being unkind but in my first year abroad, I was invited to Christmas by an expat lady and her adult dcs made me feel so uncomfortable and awkward it spoiled the day. I would rather have sat at home alone.

I think if you insist on inviting the friend this time, in future the kids might no longer feel they need to come for family Christmas if they have a better offer. It’s either special family time of it’s not.

Your kids are selfish.
Perhaps ask them to reflect on what Christmas is meant to be about.

Have you even asked your friend what her plans are.
Maybe she wants to stay home and get drunk on Baileys and cry about her miserable year.
You don't know what type of headset she's in,you could be looking at a repeat of last year.

You asked your kids they said no,that should be the end of it.
You should keep your promise from last year.

Unless they are your children, or the OPs children?

Lots of virtue signalling hypocrisy on this thread

You really hung your kids out to dry here when you're the one breaking your promise to them.

That's a sucky way to support getting your way.

Maybe next year you can have the more the merrier Xmas that you want.

Do something nice with Sheila 23rd, then spend the 3 days over Christmas with your DC, relaxed and together.

i agree with this plan

It’s entirely against the spirit of Christmas Not to invite Sheila. The no room at the inn vibe is mean. It’s your role as a parent to show your kids how to do the right thing in life. If I were you I would overrule them because they are acting selfishly

I agree with the compromise plans invite her at a time that won’t affect them. I think inviting her for Christmas proper is too much.

As an aside all this “PJs” talk I find really weird! Wearing pyjamas for the whole of Christmas Day?! We dress up can’t imagine wearing nightwear like I was ill or something

It’s entirely against the spirit of Christmas to tell grieving and upset children you’ll do one thing, just to turn around and do another.

Oh give over.

You sound like a horrible mum. You’ve made your children sound selfish and entitled so that everyone could back you up and praise you for wanting to take Sheila in, just to turn around and explain why your children are so against it. I suggest you take a look in the mirror and decide if this is the type of person you want to be.

I agree with this. And I bet your children will change their tune once they have a boyfriend/girlfriend that they want to bring home for Christmas. All of a sudden “ a stranger” in the house won’t matter.
Your children sound unbelievably selfish and I say this as someone who is an introvert who struggles to chat to people I don’t know well

Could you meet your friend for a drink Christmas eve or boxing day at a local pub? If that's not your scene then I agree with others to keep Christmas day just the four of you but give Sheila a bit of time another day.

I’ve read the OPs update and still think these are selfish young adults lacking compassion. And studying medicine … they may need to work on their empathy for those in less fortunate positions. They will also need to improve their ability to tolerate drunk people if that’s their career choice!
Poor lambs are too tired from partying to show basic kindness to their mother’s friend. Give over and grow up.

She literally says they don’t party.

Their grandmother died on Christmas Day. It’s a double whammy of it being the anniversary and one of the hardest celebrations when you’re grieving.

Add into that that they went to their aunt’s house last year, they were served raw turkey and they just wanted a quiet Christmas after exams. That’s fair enough.

Don’t choke on your halo, though.

Wow
The true spirit of christmas shown in the awful mean spirit of some on mumsnet. Ever heard of projection?

I bet poor Sheila would be horrified if she knew about this thread! Give the woman some credit. It sounds like she’s had a rough year, but she’s a grown woman FFS, she will cope.

The kindest thing all round is to tell her you promised the kids a quiet, family Christmas last year and arrange to do something with her another time.

Honestly, if I’d just gone through a divorce and was spending the first Christmas without the kids, the last thing I’d want would be to spend it with someone else’s happy family.

Seeing as you are out for Boxing Day why don’t you invite her along for that?