Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

Given the context you've provided, I can't believe you're even considering prioritizing your idea of your friend's needs over your children's needs that they have directly communicated with you.

Why are you not listening to them? Do they have form for being selfish assholes? No?

It's really not that difficult to suck it up for the greater good. Honestly, it's a life skill. If my kids cannot see that by the time they're at uni, I'd be ashamed at my performance as a parent.

Well quite @ToeJob, I’ve no idea why one poster suggested this (it wasn’t me), I thought it was bizarre!

What greater good? Their mother fulfilling her need to help people and host? Putting their needs and comfort to one side for a person they have never met?

that isn’t the greater good. Teaching your children to always put others needs ahead as some kind of greater good isn’t a life skill it is teaching them to be a doormat and that their feelings don’t matter. That isn’t good parenting

yes sometimes you do have to suck it up for the greater good - this isn’t one of those times. There is a powerful life skill I think in being able to recognise when you need to think about others and put others first and when it is ok to put your needs first.

So true. It’s possible to prioritise your kids, and be there for friends. Such an insular selfish lot on MN. Such precious attitudes. Not just this thread.

As an aside, we all love Christmas here, but goodness some people can be so rigid about how it should be spent. No wonder they get so stressed and het up if things don’t go perfectly.

Suggesting things for the OP to do at Xmas would get you banned? Do you struggle not to swear and to communicate civilly in normal life? You don’t know how to express dissent without being offensive? You should work on that.

My Christmas Day lunches when I was growing up were always spent with an assortment of family, great uncles and aunts and distant cousins I’d never met before and haven’t seen since. Depending on who in the family was hosting. I survived it.

The year before last we spent Christmas Day with my sisters new in laws. They were all strangers to me. Quite a few of them didn’t even speak to me during the day at all. I still had a very nice meal then we went home and put on our pjs and relaxed. Not my favourite Christmas ever but I did it for my sister.

Some people put aside their own needs and wants and volunteer to cook and serve a meal to people who have nothing.

This is such a sad reflection on modern society.

OP I’m sure your children are generally decent, but we are raising an entire generation who believes they should not be the slightest bit inconvenienced no matter what.

I have read the updates, my MIL was also an alcoholic and although dead, she didn’t die on Christmas but our DC were exposed to her appalling behaviour at Christmas and other times. I’m not going to share my screenshots because I know that I am not lying. My colleague has had a crappy six months, she has no family and I invited her into our home for Christmas which I hadn’t mentioned to my DH or DC, this thread reminded me. As I said my father is unwell which is why I had forgotten to mention it. The OP hasn’t got the monopoly on inviting friends over, drunken MIL or adult children. You can choose to believe me or not, maybe my DC are a little older than the OPs, or just see the world slightly differently, I don’t know but they were both ok with the news last night which is all I can say.

Could you meet her out for a drink/lunch? Not on Xmas day of course, but on boxing day maybe?

I don't think you all have to stay glued to each other during the entire holiday.

That's exactly it - except your kids are being little shits and they can suck it up.

I bet they appear 2 days before Christmas and someone else does all the shopping/cooking/preparations (ie you!) and then everything is laid on for them.

Sod that - you should have your friend over on Christmas day and make her welcome.

My Mum always had her single friend stay over Christmas for several years - and we all made the best of it.

People are so selfish now 🙄

Id invite Sheila but limit the time, say, if you have Christmas dinner at 4 ... ask her to come 3 until 6.
Your children sound quite intolerant.

Her children’s grandmother passed away on Christmas Day a few years ago. OP has stated that last Christmas they tried to recreate their old Christmases, but they ended up with the sister in law getting so drunk she served raw turkey. OP’s children asked for a quiet Christmas at home this year in light of all of that, and she said yes.

I have raised dc to be able to say no, and express their feelings truthfully.

Whilst they are naturally compassionate and empathetic they are not walking around feeling like they need to fix the world. If it was an old friend I think it would have been easier. They definitely help at Christmas and are usually very welcoming.

They usually do not feel especially sociable when they get back after a long and tiring stint at uni. They need a week or two to recover. Especially the Christmas period is very busy for them with exams and parties. I don’t think they are asking too much or being intolerant for wanting a quiet and peaceful Christmas.

I do feel sad for my friend, she has lost everything in the last year and I can see this being the final straw. She does have other friends, but I’m not sure how close she is to them. It’s a difficult situation all round.

If you feel like this, why did you wait until there were hundreds of posts against your children to tell the truth?

OP do you know what Sheila actually wants? In her position I might be up for joining a busy Christmas with lots of different guests but being a bolt on to an established family Christmas not so much.

Exactly this!

Let’s hope neither of your kids are alone at Christmas later in life, facing the same predicament as Sheila.

This 100%!! I think OP owes an apology to all the posters who took time out to think about her situation and to come up with suggestions and opinions when there was a big fat omission in her OP !! Unless the thread was calculatingly intended to stir up some negstive responses against her children?
Posters - read the op's update before wasting any more time!

Honestly, if I was Shelia I would not want to spend Christmas Day with a family I do not know. Especially, considering the fact your DC recoil at the very thought of welcoming her.

Why was the dinner inedible last year? How drunk were PIL’s?

My 20 year old Uni students DC don’t drink much whereby my DParents’s and siblings can drink like fishes. We have Christmas dinner at 1pm and drop my DParents back at their house by 6pm. We learnt this is the sweet spot to stop everything descending into a drunkenness on their part and my part because I have been conditioned to drink more when they are around😂It’s a family joke now among my siblings that when you are invited to my house it is a 5 hour turnaround. It works better. No hangovers for us. DC do not mind not drinking and doing the driving on Christmas Day it’s all about the food for them (boys). We always pick DC wherever they are on New Years Eve because this is one night they will drink. It’s not like we take advantage as we pay the driving back!

Agree, been the drip feed after countless posts of calling them selfish brats of
”actually, valid reason for wanting family only”
that then had more of well, they’re still horrible, lazy freeloaders anyway posts, to now “well they are not like that at all”..

perhaps sheila could come boxing day, or christmas eve

My parents, back in the day, always invited friends/relatives they knew would be alone. I did the same, and now my adult kids follow suit.

None of us tried to dictate to the hosts who would be invited.

It’s Christmas - a supposed time of good will. 🤷‍♀️

So many people being horrible to the poor kids too. I wonder if OP routinely does this? Overreacts and makes them out out to be brats

What does Sheila want?

Personally I find it hard to believe any uni term finishes on the 23rd December, I also don't think uni is that tiring that they can't possibly deal with someone 2 days after term finished.

Your DC are adults, and whilst I appreciate they have reasons for wanting to be alone on Xmas they can deal with them for one day. Sheila being there doesn't mean they can't be in PJs. Seeing very drunken adults is not that scarring for an 18+ Yr old. Doing uni exams is really not that exhausting

Also, they are having you on that uni is sooo tiring it takes a week to recover. They just want a few days being coddled by mum. Which is fine, but tip toeing round because they’ve had a few all night parties is a bit ridiculous.