Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

By the sounds of it they want fun family time and peace.

Notting too forced.

Honestly, a day in PJs with my kids sounds like bliss to me. Embrace it! Like you say, might not be many more with them both willing to do this.

Board games and quality time? I honestly think it's lovely they want a chilled day with you.

Apologise to them. Explain you were blinded by your need to “host”, and explain that Sheila being involved in your Christmas plans is not going to happen. Then see what they actually want to do, and make it happen.

Must say I have purchased Christmas monopoly. We only play maybe once a year normally around Christmas.

Always make sure we get a family gift of a game or such. We got a pool table a few years ago.

I don't think you should invite her, no.

One person who hasn’t had a mention in all this is your DH @Blizzardofleaves? What does he want to do on the anniversary of his mother’s death?

Be mindful that this may be the last time they want to come home for Christmas day if they don't feel it's time with you and each other. I do think Boxing Day afternoon or evening would be a decent compromise.

I can see why they want just family on Christmas Day, but what difference will another person make if you are out at a restaurant with live music on Boxing Day?

I think your children need to learn that your life doesn’t stop whilst they are away. They also need to be a little less selfish. Invite Sheila on Boxing Day.

I just messaged my 26 and 24 year old children saying that I had a friend coming Christmas Day so they’re not alone and they were both fine with it, I offered for them to come for Christmas Day last week I just hadn’t mentioned it yet as my father has been unwell and this will be his last Christmas. They’ve both said it’s fine, not an issue.
I’d be embarrassed if my children didn’t see the bigger picture and they thought about themselves rather than welcoming someone who would be on their own on Christmas Day.

This, have you asked if there’s any friends he wants to invite?
how will gifts work? Early am before she arrives or is the exchange happening when Sheila’s there, so extra purchases all round?

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

You made a promise to your kids. The decision is as simple as that. They deserve what you promised them.

If you’re going to make stuff up, at least read the OP’s updates first.

I understand your dilemma - we took in a friend one Christmas who had recently got divorced. His wife had the kids and we couldn't bear to leave him on his own.

But there was major drama with one of the kids via the phone over two days and tbh it caused a lot of disruption. Friend ended up wanting to leave on Christmas day so I had to shuffle the timing of dinner around.

After that we swore never again.

She’s really not your responsibility. Does she have no other friends or family? Are you sure she would actually want to be invited?

If your adult children cannot cope with one of your friends coming for lunch, then they're gonna struggle with adulting.

If you didn’t want to take any notice of their opinions, why ask for them? I really dislike the emotional blackmail of “You wouldn’t mind about x, would you?” that doesn’t actually allow the other person to disagree.

I think there’s a huge difference between relaxing just with family, and having to make an effort for a guest. I’d hate it. Ask your friend for new year instead?

Yes. I stand by my opinion

Has Sheila given you any indication she would like it - hinted etc

Because if she hasn’t and it is just you wanting to you also seem oblivious to the fact that it may not actually be what she wants either - to see you with your family when hers are somewhere else

going out just the two of you may well work

other than that it comes down to whether your family is a democracy or a dictatorship. you asked they answered if it is a democracy there is no soul searching is there? They were pretty clear and there reasons are sound - whilst not the decision everyone would make (not many are tbf) it is a valid one

I agree. They don’t know her! If it was a family relation they at least knew a bit, that would change things. They want to relax, revert to childhood traditions, feel that family bubble of Christmas.

I have a child at Uni, when he comes home I want to focus on quality time with him!

You could see Sheila during the holidays at some point but I would keep Christmas for the family. Let them relax in their jammies and make silly jokes or whatever they want to do. You could nip out by yourself on Boxing Day to meet her for coffee?

Sorry OP there’s no way I’d bring someone else to a family Christmas that my kids don’t really know when they’ve been away from me for a few months and looking forward to the family being together. Or indeed someone else at all really. It’s sad for Shelia but she isn’t your responsibility, and certainly not your kids’.

I’d be ashamed of myself in your shoes.

But who doesn’t give a shit about THEIR feelings? “I’m SO caring because I’m inviting my lonely friend - and if you don’t like it, you can fuck off!!”?

By the way - I’m not actually suggesting the OP is like this. If she was, she would have just done as she pleased and never started the thread. But a worrying number of respondents think she should be behaving exactly like this. That she should be so desperate to show kindness to a friend that she basically tells her own children it’s tough luck, and their concerns are irrelevant.

There’s a big difference between not being able to cope with something and simply not wanting it to happen.

This is a ridiculously extreme reaction. No one has suggested the children will stop loving their mother over this. But there is a massive level of nuance between “Fantastic, the more the merrier - I LOVE spending Christmas with complete strangers!” and “You are no longer my mother, you Christmas-ruining bitch”.

When we have a Christmas that's just the four of us, my teen DC enjoy family movies and games. We have had fun with crackers that develop a game of some sort (Task Master ones last year were a hit). But mainly they love just chilling. Sitting around in their PJs with music on in the background and the tree lights twinkling. Fiddling with their presents. Reading a new book. Experimenting with a new Mocktail, Munching on snacks. And then back to just chilling. I insist we dress for lunch, but they're back in PJs and just chilling shortly after! I think one thing they really like about it is that DH and I are just chilling too. We have great conversations at Christmas.