Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

Even with the OP’s update I still think the children are being selfish and unreasonable. If they find Christmas difficult because of their grandma having died surely they can appreciate other people find it difficult too! Sheila I’m sure won’t demand they get dressed if they’d rather slob around in their PJs. I know at their age (and the age I’m at now) visitors wouldn’t stop me relaxing in scruffs in my own home.

OP, last Christmas sounds like a horrific shitshow.
Your children need a normal calm Christmas.

I know you feel for sheila, but its one day, and people get on with it.

After last year, which really was shocking, follow through with your promise.

You think a 18 year old wants to be in their pjs with mums mate round? Sure Shelia might not mind but the actual children of op do and they have had a shitty few Christmases the last couple of years. Worse than Shiela’s this year I’d say sinus prioritise my own family over a friend.

I’ve read the update and stand by everything I said. I think it’s very important to push against this exclusionary attitude to Christmas. It’s not called “family only and fuck everyone else-mas”.

I don’t remember ever changing out my my PJs as a teen on account of my mum’s mates coming round so… yes?

I wouldn’t of even come downstairs in my
pjs with my mothers friends round certainly not ones I didn’t know and hadn’t grown up around.

So I’d stay in my room.

Of course she should have. But that annoyance gets inflated when self-important people don’t bother to read all the OP’s posts before posting. And MN have made it incredibly easy for them to do so.

Put your kids first. You sound like my mother who always put everyone else before her kids. Now none of us talk to her. Sheila is a grown adult. Put your children first.

There’s no requirement to do that if people are commenting on a live thread it’s totally reasonable not to search all the OPs posts. It’s not self importance.

Your kids had a disastrous Xmas experience last year and they just want a quiet, relaxed holiday at home with you. This is a reset of sorts for them. Plus, it's the anniversary of their grandmother's death.

They don't even know your friend. She's a stranger to them.

You want to have your friend over. You want more than just them around.

You choose. You can have your friend and your kids may see that as they're not enough for you and their needs to reset and relax and mourn a bit are less important than you having your friend over.

I personally would have just the kids on the days they request. You can see friend on other days. Her problems are not yours to fix. Your kids' are.

The reason adult kids estrange themselves from parents is because they never feel like they are put first or wanted more than others.

Bit extreme. OP isn’t booting them out and having friend instead.

Anyone seriously estranging yourself from loving parents because they don’t do exactly what they want is shooting themself in the foot more than anything.

I think that's unusual! I wouldn't have come downstairs other than fully dressed with unrelated adults or teenagers in the house (nor indeed with most relatives as we didn't have a same household type relationship).

As a teenager my siblings and I were given to understand that we had to be present for a "decent" amount of time when my parents had guests, and we'd all then disappear to our rooms if we hadn't been evicted from them to house guests, in which case we'd find somewhere else to make ourselves scarce.

My dc would never sit in pjs with guests. Nor are they comfortable with making small talk with people they don’t know on Christmas Day. As it is, we are hosting family all weekend just before Christmas with one of the dc. Does anyone have any ideas how to make Christmas special for this age group? We are used to more people to share Christmas with.

I have read all your updates, OP and initially I was firmly Team Sheila but given the context I can see why it feels so important to your DC to have a quiet Christmas with just their immediate family. I'm someone who would find it very difficult to relax with a stranger in the house, although I would absolutely be polite and make an effort. But I can see why spending the day "being polite and making an effort" when you were specifically promised an ultra-relaxed, quiet Christmas day with just your parents and sibling feels like a big ask, especially immediately following exams.
I do think there is room for compromise here though. It's one thing your DC wanting a quiet family Christmas, but trying to insist that you aren't see anyone else for 3 full days is OTT.
I really don't see why you can't spend an hour or two with Sheila on Christmas Eve, either pop round to hers or invite her over for a mince pie and a cup of tea. If you did this late afternoon/early evening then you would still have a lovely, quite night in with the DC on Christmas Eve followed by the whole of Christmas Day and Boxing Day together.

And you wouldn’t think to or be prepared to make an effort for someone going through the absolute worst time?

Do you think looking back, with this situation in mind, that your self centered nature was/is at the higher end of the scale?

And the reason so many people on MN have no friends is because they never do anything nice for anyone or prioritise their friendships

Why should they- well typically because someone else is buying their food and drink, cooking it and possibly even washing up.
If their mother decides “Actually Sheila has invited me round to her place to cook. Do you want me to ask if you can come too and be spoiled there, or do you think you can buy/prepare/cook/serve/clean up yourself?” We all know that OP ‘s kids know exactly which side their bread is buttered on.

Yes young people are typically selfish, but we serve them better by pointing out selfish and unkind behaviour.

Yup family first! Uni students want to come home to their family. Rest, slob around in PJs, have a bit of normality. Nobody wants their mums mate there at xmas! Don’t be the person who puts friends ahead of your kids. Catch up with your friend at new year

Of course it is. It’s people so puffed up with their opinion that they don’t bother to ensure they have all the facts before sharing their pearls of wisdom.

Nope. People reading a thread in real time. OP should have put the important info at the start.

Have you read OP’s updates

I can think of a few things but saying it would probably get me banned.

You can say it politely.
I am interested in every view and honestly find it helpful to see all sides. Given I am agonising over this decision. I put my children first all of the time, so I am not concerned they will think I don’t. I grew up going to church where we were taught goodwill to others, and sharing. It’s just second nature to me. I love hosting too. Not everyone does I appreciate.

@Blizzardofleaves surely you ask your family what they’d like to do to make it special? That’s what I do.