Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

Patronising garbage. People alone at Christmas have friends and family. I was almost alone last year - adult DD went to her dad and all my friends had family Christmas - which it seems they can’t invite us to in case someone wants to wear pjs all day. As it happened a friend suffered a bereavement on Christmas Eve and came to me.

I’d say the opposite. Wanting to do it against the prevailing viewpoint suggests it isn’t about praise.

Like other posters I’d be seriously disappointed in my children and their character if they kicked off this much at me inviting a friend/doing a nice thing for someone else for Christmas. But I’d equally never stop them doing their own thing or make them feel obliged to spend every Christmas with me, so if they decided they preferred making other plans that’s fine with me. My own parents always told me to live life however makes me happy and never put any expectations or obligations on me, including at Christmas, so I’d take the same approach.

You had me in the first half😂

There's a lot of supposition here and the OP hasn't returned to add detail to this story. We don't know how Sheila feels about it all and what her options may be. She might favour a Xmas Day on her own, she may wish to volunteer, she may have other friends (with or without more sociable offspring!) or be thinking about a few days away somewhere nice. The OP needs to sound her out without making promises as yet.

But would Sheila even want to come? If I were her dropping into someone else’s Christmas with children there would not be what I wanted. I think I would either go away or just hole up with wine and wait to have Christmas for when my kids are back

@Blizzardofleaves have you actually thought through what Sheila wants

😂😂 god forbid we should have an actual life! My adult daughter recently was very accusatory and quite affronted that I had been on holiday and hadn’t told her. I reminded her that I told them when we booked it. It’s like we cease to be human to them! Meanwhile they go wherever, whenever they please (as they should) and don’t remember birthday’s etc and we eat it all up with a smile and never a criticism. It’s a weird dynamic I think when your children become adult, they still have this weird sense of entitlement, all the while sort of gently mocking us as though we are senile.

But where’s the cut off? Does it matter? Can’t they meet someone and just chat? How did they make friends at Uni?

Or, maybe people don’t think Christmas as an excuse to forget anyone exists beyond your nuclear family bubble. I can’t stand this mentality that friends can’t be part of it and don’t matter because it’s “family only”. Insular, selfish and nasty.

This thread has made me laugh in places, thank you for your posts.

So the dc main reasons are:

They want to remain in PJs and relax
They have done more than enough entertaining over the years (true)

They don’t know Shelia
Shelia is an interesting person, a dr and has a varied, so I’m sure will be fun - but it’s hard work for dc when tired

They won’t have too many more guaranteed family Christmases together with us

I promised we would have a family Xmas at home (true)

Shelia might be sad as her dc are not here (possible) and they don’t want another miserable xmas

Their grandmother died on Christmas Day a few years back and it’s a difficult day anyway

It is not much to ask for apparently

When I see their reasons like this, and read some of your posts, I think I should honour my promise and my dc this year and take Shelia out or cook for her on the 23rd. I am sad not to be able to host her properly, I would love to, but it’s tricky this year

Fuck me. You absolutely buried the lead with “their grandmother died on Christmas Day”

Do you really think that Christmas is the same as any other day? And maybe they’ll have had enough of making new friends by the time they come home for Christmas?

And just to say I didn’t ruin their Christmas last year! We were at sil’s house for Christmas Day and what started out as a jovial atmosphere turned so drunken that they served raw turkey and ended up making pasta for the younger dc who were starving. They have their own issues to be fair we have since learnt, but it wasn’t the best Christmas we have ever had tbh, and my dc don’t drink and can’t stand drunk grown adults around them.

Their grandmother died on Christmas Day?!!!! Good heavens!! I take it this wasn’t your mother?

They reasons and feelings are all valid. Go out for a meal and a drink with Sheila on 23rd.

You’ve purposefully lied about the reasons they want a quiet Christmas. Why are you so determined to paint your children as the villains?

This… it’s an easy habit to fall into, but when you take people outside of your DH and kids for granted, you can suddenly realise they’ve all fallen away.

I would not be letting adult kids rule the roost. if they want to relax, then you can. Sheila isn’t occupying all the beds and the sofa at once, presumably.

No, it was my mil. And my sil had tried to recreate a better Christmas last year - but found out she had a similar diagnosis just before Christmas and was drinking to get through the day (totally not her fault) so I feel I owe my dc a happier Christmas. They are looking forward to cooking together.

My grandmother died on Christmas Day so we've always gone quite low key on celebrating since. I would expect Sheila wouldn't want to actually be with a family on the anniversary of a bereavement, it's a bit of a downer. I think you are actually being unreasonable inviting her knowing that it coincides with such a hard day for the family.

Christ alive.

You know that if you’d included that really quite key nugget in your OP you would have got some very different reactions?

Wow

so their granny died Christmas Day 2 years ago.

last year their aunt tried to recreate her Christmas and failed because she’s also been diagnosed with the same condition so was drinking

yes of course they should have one nice Christmas in 3 years.

You’re poor dh too!

Mums gone. Sisters diagnosed. Children getting ready to fly the nest. I’m sure he will also want a nice easy Christmas.

Please don’t put words in my mouth.

It was odd to ask if it’s an MN thing to need to know someone in the room for 10 or 20 years when in this situation they don’t know this woman at all. You can surely see there is light years between those two situations and they are not comparable at all.

and yes they can meet someone and just chat - but they won’t enjoy it. I’m great at chatting to people. I have to do it so often at work, at the school gate, at kids parties… at Christmas I want a day off from
it.

I agree with this 👆

Oh blimey op,I can’t beleive you even considered inviting Sheila. Their granny died on Xmas day??