Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

This.

That’s mean. For me, being at uni, especially in the first and third years, was really hard work not just academically but socially, always wearing a face.

And we all mucked in at Christmas, that was part of the fun. Making stuff at the kitchen table while listening to the Nine Lessons and Carols, decorating the house, we helped with everything.

I would prioritise my kids’ wish to be just our family at Christmas.

I’m sorry that Sheila had no living family. If she has no other friends who will include her then maybe she can volunteer.

Or she might be ok with having a day completely to herself. She might be gutted not to be with her kids and might appreciate just being able to wallow in her pyjamas and not have to put a brave face on and be jolly.

It’s very obvious that’s what she’s after, as she’s refusing to see her children’s point of view.

Kids come first OP, always. No matter how old they are. I mean really you shouldn’t even have friends full stop as they can detract from family time.

They just want a quiet family Christmas this year OP, with people they love. Why are you so desperate to force someone they don't even know on them when they've been away and you've haven't seen them for months?

Has your friend really not got any other family herself?

I assume it's your house and that you are buying the food and cooking it. Why are you letting your kids dictate who gets invited?

I think I would try and see your friend over the festive season but not Christmas Day. Maybe go out for a drink/lunch on the 23rd? I understand that it would be nice to have this friend over on Christmas Day but she is essentially a stranger to your children and the dynamic would be different. Not the relaxing Christmas they were hoping for. I am less sympathetic about not having her over on Boxing Day though. Does she not have any siblings/parents that she can go to for Christmas?

Really? Is your Christmas diminished by someone else being there? Do you get less?
No, obviously not. It’s not a thing to be shared. It’s not zero sum.

That’s what you are choosing to see. It’s an unpleasant viewpoint.

I think given that you promised them a family Christmas day, you should not invite Sheila for Christmas itself, but Boxing Day Is aay all bets are off.

If they don't like it they can go to the pub with their mates.

I don’t get this. Is it a MN thing where people claim to feel uncomfortable if they haven’t known everyone else 8n the room for what? 10 years? 20?

Why did you ask them if you are just going to ignore them?

why not have another conversation with them and tell them your reasons as to why you don’t want her alone. Can you suggest that she comes for the meal only?

A stranger in the house would spoil it for me to be honest. I just couldn’t relax and I hate making small talk.

You're a very selfish person. The OP should clearly off herself, but not before putting her kidneys on ice (one each if they need them) and ensuring they get the sale proceeds from the family home so they can attend all the best Uni parties.

Well, that's enlightening.

If the kids really don’t want her here for Christmas Day then maybe they should compromise on Boxing Day so that Sheila has something to look forward to.

If the children are going to be so distressed by the presence of someone else, then of course Sheila should not come around at all.

However saying the OP is narcissistic and just doing it for praise, is an exceptionally mean spirited viewpoint. I’m glad I’m not like that and don’t meet these kind of unhappy people irl.

I'm a "the more the merrier" type and would be really disappointed in my kids if they acted like yours are.

My childhood Christmases were huge affairs, people say on the pouff, the garden table and the decorating table put up for the day and all the waifs and strays from family to friends to neighbours. It was lovely.

I do the same now. Last year we had 2 friends over and this year 1. Sometimes family, sometimes not.

But I guess it is also their Christmas, but until they can host themselves, I'm not sure they get to dictate really.

@ScholesPanda

you are absolutely right of course. The kids didn’t ask to be born afterall. She’s lucky they are deigning to give her the time of day

Where has 10 or 20 years come from? Have they ever even met her?

God, this. Unless they insisted they preferred to be alone.

Exactly.

These are adults. They can muster it up.

No one is suggesting that Sheila be sitting at the end of their bed while they open their stockings. They can have a "PJ" morning (ugh) but be dressed and ready to make an hour or two of conversation if she comes over at 3 or 4 for a couple of glasses of champagne.

Alternatively, OP, could you drop over to hers for an hour or so Christmas afternoon? While your adult children are cleaning up after Christmas lunch....

Not everyone who is alone at Christmas knows others who are. Because your suggestion is really fucking obvious if they did.

I’m a more the merrier type, but with a 17 year old DS who is very introverted and this would be his idea of a nightmare (and no, he isn’t selfish!), so I respect his wishes over my own desires to welcome all and feed the 5000

I think it probably is a bit tight though to say no visit even on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. No chance they’ll be off seeing mates/partners?

Ah so the dc have to say ‘yes’ to what their mum asked. As clearly it wasn’t an actual question she wanted an honest answer to!