Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

Where has anyone said that if the OP doesn't do as her children say then she should accept that they won't have anything to do with her in future?

It's not emotional abuse to point out that in future they might think "well I'd love to go home for Christmas but OP might invite a stranger again, so doing XYZ instead will be more relaxing" or "having a cosy Christmas with just us isn't OP's priority, so she won't mind if I'm not there". Alternatively, they might think "Sheila turned out to be quite nice, no big deal if she's there again" or "it was fun having someone else there really, maybe I'll invite a friend who'd otherwise be alone for Christmas".

The OP has asked for opinions. It's not manipulative to suggest things that she might want to consider.

@Moltenpink

more horrible to be newly separated and alone on Christmas Day surely?

This has actually brought out a very visceral reaction in me.

I think for many many years as an adult, despite going to uni and moving out straight after uni, nowhere I lived, for probably a good 10 years or more, felt like home.

Home was always the house I grew up in (my parents never moved since I was born). And I loved Christmas at my parents. Loved it. Looked forward to it so much.

My mum has been dead for 6 years (my dad for many more before that) and I still miss Christmas at her house. My childhood home.

But isn’t that the point. The OP asked what her children thought and they told her. That isn’t being selfish, controlling or unkind. It is giving your opinion/answer to a question being asked.

a question to which there are different appropriate answers - some who find the idea of having more people around at Christmas to be great, keeping in spirits and for them what makes them feel good, helping others and having lots of people around them. Some who having spent the rest of the year dealing with people want Christmas to be a low key affair where they can relax in their own safe space a smaller more intimate Christmas. Both are absolutely fine and both in their own way are selfish responses because they are looking at what suits you and your needs.

then there is the 3rd type - the martyr the one who seems to think that life is making kind decisions for others and not looking their own needs and that isn’t a good decision to make and it isn’t one the OP should want her kids to model. Making themselves uncomfortable for someone they have never met

it is different strokes for different folks and the OP needs to accept the views of her children and stop trying to pretend she is being controlled when she wants to do the controlling

I think I'm with your kids on this. Of course you can invite who you like but it won't be very appealing to your kids having a near stranger to them over at christmas. If I were them I would probably be put off coming but it's personal choice x

@IAmBroke Eh? Are you saying that your children would stop loving you if you invited someone for Christmas?

Or you would stop loving your Mum if she invited someone for Christmas?

I would absolutely hate to be invited for Boxing Day/27th by someone who knew I was going to be on my own otherwise. It says to me "you aren't good enough to be in my house on Christmas Day but we'll consider you a charity case and throw you some crumbs". I feel like if I was on my own and was only invited for another day I would probably refuse and go out to an NT property or something like that.

I've hosted international students who couldn't make it home, been to friends when we were all young and had no parent homes to go to (them due to death, me estrangement), had Christmas at the bottom of the Rift Valley and at distant relatives' house, but always with other people.

🙄at the tired and coming home to relax comments. They have finished a term at University, not returning after deployment to Afghanistan.

Bet they won't be lifting a finger the 3 days they have vetoed for visitors either.

I think it’s complex. They’re being a little unkind really and uni age people should be old enough to show empathy. However, they live at home and it is their home I assume, it’s unlikely they would have anywhere else to go I would imagine and they shouldn’t have to spend Christmas Day with someone they don’t know. I’m a little surprised you would want your friend there for a large portion of the day when you don’t see your children very much but we’re all different aren’t we? Have you invited the woman? If not, then it’s not such a big deal. But I wonder if there’s any sort of compromise? Surely a quick visit would be okay? I mean it is your house so if you say that you have invited her for a coffee and a mince pie so she sees someone for an hour they have no real right to complain. It could be worded to your friend in a way that makes it clear you would love to see her for a an hour but have plans so will have to put a time limit on it.

I feel sorry for you, I have found navigating being a Mum to young adults very difficult. The irony if this is that they will probably spend hours in their room where you could have seen your friend which will lead to some resentment on your part. Could you pop round there with some drinks and nibbles? Kids, who would have em?

if last Christmas was ruined, my mum had promised me a nice lazy Christmas, and then changed her mind because she wanted praise, I’d be pretty angry.

I’m really torn on this. I do see where your DC are coming from because I used to be quite precious about Xmas even as an adult returning home to my mums. But over the years we’ve had various extra people, my siblings in laws, their friends etc. and to be honest it only ever added to the fun and joy. Now it wouldn’t bother me at all if my mums friend joined. But I get it if your kids don’t have much time at home and had a shit one last year they are just craving that cozy family only time. I do feel for Sheila too though! And after all this is the season to show kindness. Has Sheila said she will be alone for sure? Are there any other options for her? Could you include her in something on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead as a compromise?

Not OP’s kids problem though is it?

You sound really petulant. I am assuming you are still a teenager.

@Tiswa A balanced response. I don’t think for a minute that the OP is now going to invite Shelia over the Christmas period.

I do think that she was expecting a different response from the young adults and it’s ok to be disappointed in their answers. I agree that “controlling” is too strong a word.

Oh I see. This is about the mum's ego and everyone in the family praising her for her generosity and sacrifice? Nah, I'll pass on that dynamic, thanks, it's toxic

Such an odd response from that poster. And also them saying that a mum thinking about a friend in a time of need is being ‘narcissistic’. Many people nowadays are just downright weird with their interpretations of others’ intentions and assume the worst.

Do you believe it's healthy to try to buy the love of your children by pandering to them and saying yes to everything? Even once they're adults? Doesn't sound like a very healthy message to me.

Also, it's not about praise, it's about kindness.

I’d aim to do something with your friend on Boxing Day morning and again once your DC have left. I understand their point - it would change the dynamic and will also limit the time they have with you.

Where does she say she wants praise? I must have missed it. Is praise the only reason you do nice things for people (if you do that kind of thing, maybe you don’t). That’s a bit sad if so. Many people do nice stuff because it is the right thing to do. How negative to think it is all about praise.

Posted at different times of day or in some other ways caught different people's attention obviously. MN isn't a hive mind, there are hundreds of thousands of users now.

I haven't seen the other thread you refer to and probably most on this thread haven't, and vice versa.

You sound incredibly cynical. Why the immediate assumption that this is about ego or praise? Do you not believe anyone does nice things for other people simply to be... well, nice? How sad.

This!

When my sister-in-law‘s friend died of breast cancer, I took her out for tea to be a shoulder to cry on. When my husband lost his job, friends met me for dinner to listen to my worries. Who knew that this was all about getting ‘praise’?

What bitter sad and lonely lives some people must lead.

Why would you assume that?
there is a real narrative in this thread that everyone should do what mum wants and be grateful because presumably she's the provider of the family Christmas. This isn't how it happens in every family :/

There is something slightly sanctimonious in inviting the single for Christmas bit like the Little Women having to take their food to the Hummels and look how that turned out…

If I was Sheila I would be very aware of not wanting to crash a family day. Different if op were single too or seeing other adults.