Are Dh and I being unreasonable to have let my 13 year old DSS take a 9 minute train journey on Saturday evening, (6pm)?

[piscofrisco]

We have today been accused of endangering the child. He was dropped off at a shopping mall with his friend who was staying with us, to meet some other friends. He had down this before whilst at his Mothers. We suggested they take the train back as it’s actually quicker than us driving the round trip to pick them up and because it’s nice, we thought, for them to have a bit of independence.
As it was the first time he has been on a train without one of us we:
bought their tickets.
told them the time of the train and the platform.
reminded them where to get off (1 stop, a 9 minute journey).
called them half an hour before the train was due to leave.
spoke to them as they boarded the train.
picked them up at the station our end.

both boys were fine, quite happy on return and didn’t even comment on it.

this morning we have be told by their Mother that we endangered them and that our DSS was upset by being ‘made to take the train’

Have we done anything unreasonable
here?

No, you absolutely have not done anything wrong. Maybe your husband should speak you you DSS why his mother thinks he wasn't happy?

Not unless it was a war zone or there was a blizzard, or he has SEN you haven’t mentioned.

Many kids go to school by train daily from a lot younger. I wonder when she thinks is a good age to tackle the dread locomotive.

Absolutely not.

Well was he upset when you picked him up? Taking public transport is normal for many teenagers but it could be unsettling if they aren't used to it, there is additional needs or a specific incident like drunk idiots.

Yanbu- plenty of children that age take public transport to school or for leisure. Travelling with more than one friend is also a good safety measure.

No, but is she worried because of the recent knife attack on the train. It’s made me think twice about how safe my kids are on trains

Does he have any additional needs? It really sounds like he is very sheltered so it’s good you’re giving him more independence.

We sent our eldest daughter to Seattle by plane from the UK aged 12 by herself. Granted there were cabin crew to look after her but....I mean seriously?

That could have happened anywhere though. I was at the bus stop where the lady recently got stabbed last night but just because I was in the same place someone got stabbed didn’t make it any more likely it was going to happen to me.

I

Of course YANBU and you must know it.

Plenty of 13 year olds and younger get the train to and from school.

Completely agree- it’s just that’s it’s recent and could explain her reluctance

My ds got the train from year 11c, and you were really sensible about it.

How did you endanger his life?

i feel sorry forvthe lad. His mother has probably made him feel terrible.

It’s fine.

Where I live, the grammar school pupils get the train to school, a 35 minute journey of about 18 miles. Parents may go with them the first couple of times, but being able to do this alone is part of growing up.

YANBU. That was a heck of a lot of hand holding for a 13 year old to take a 9 minute train journey. Is his mum extraordinarily overprotective?

For context, my DC with ALN took a 90 minute train journey abroad (we are dual nationals, so he speaks the language) alone for the first time having just turned 11. We bought him the ticket, his godparents put him on the train (in a big city) and we picked him up at the station in our nearby town. Yes, big first for everybody, but he did great, and it was a good boost to his confidence and independence. He had a phone and knew what to do and who to ask for help if there was a problem. In the end he spent his journey chatting to a young family of tourists from the UK.

I see mums complaining on MN about incompetent young adults quite often, but independence and competence has to be trained with guardrails before they hit 18. I can be a bit anxious, and if there's any possible risk I will see it, but as a parent I have to prepare DC for independence, even when it is outside my comfort zone!

If he was 6, then yes, but at 13 he’s training to be an adult, how is he going to learn to be independent if he doesn’t get to do it in manageable chunks?

When I was 13 I’d been taking flights abroad on my own for two years, by 14 I was taking day trips to the city (a 1 hour train journey each way plus negotiating the tube network) with a friend. At 16 I went Interrailing with a friend (also 16) across Europe for 2 weeks, sleeping in Youth Hostels (paid from the money we’d earned from our holiday jobs) and booking our own tickets.

I know times have changed, and I probably wouldn’t have let my kids do the same things I did at the same age, especially as both were diagnosed with ASD and ADHD early on, but even they would have been fine doing that at 13.

The only possibly unreasonable thing is the amount of helicoptering that went on - buying their tickets, telling them the platform, reminding them were to get off. A couple of 13 yos should be capable of working all that out for themselves, or asking a member of staff if in doubt. How do they get to school?

Travelling by public transport to and from a nearby town is an entirely age appropriate thing for 12-13yos to do. Otherwise you get 17-18yos who are totally clueless about public transport.

My then 11yr old loved getting a train from North Wales to Manchester, via Crewe, (2.5hrs total) meeting his Dad the other end. He loved it! It’s good to give them independence and responsibility.

You were not unreasonable at all.

What?! I was going to school on the train alone from age 11. Is this a wind up?

From secondary school age my dc travelled between their 2 homes 30 odd miles apart.
Maybe suggest his dm becomes his personal chauffeur or keep her beak out...

My kids did trains on their own from Y9 (age 13). One of them hated it, to be fair, but she had to suck it up as I had kids in different schools and needed to throw them on trains to get there; and now she is proud of her independence and able to navigate trains, buses, delays and all sorts without really batting an eye. She is 16 now and has friends who are scared of public transport.

No I don’t think you ABU.

However, either the mother or the child is a liar or a troublemaker which is what I’d be more interested in finding out.

you realise there are knife attacks in schools too....

See todays news with stab packs being given out to schools to treat stab injuries in the same way there are defibrilators for heart attacks.

People also get stabbed on the streets.

Id assume you are more likely to be stabbed in the street or at school than on the train.

Not to mention car accidents as well.

My kids got the train to school from age 11 and I got the tube alone from about the same age. Children should be encouraged to use public transport whenever they can. They can even buy their own tickets and learn to read a timetable!