Are Dh and I being unreasonable to have let my 13 year old DSS take a 9 minute train journey on Saturday evening, (6pm)?

[piscofrisco]

We have today been accused of endangering the child. He was dropped off at a shopping mall with his friend who was staying with us, to meet some other friends. He had down this before whilst at his Mothers. We suggested they take the train back as it’s actually quicker than us driving the round trip to pick them up and because it’s nice, we thought, for them to have a bit of independence.
As it was the first time he has been on a train without one of us we:
bought their tickets.
told them the time of the train and the platform.
reminded them where to get off (1 stop, a 9 minute journey).
called them half an hour before the train was due to leave.
spoke to them as they boarded the train.
picked them up at the station our end.

both boys were fine, quite happy on return and didn’t even comment on it.

this morning we have be told by their Mother that we endangered them and that our DSS was upset by being ‘made to take the train’

Have we done anything unreasonable
here?

This is how thousands of children in London commute to school in year 7!

At their age I travelled 12 miles on a bus and then a train. Alone to meet my friends.

At 13 id expect DSS to be able to navigate small public transport trips. Its no different to a school bus.

Both my kids used a tram to get to and from school from age 11.

Absolutely ridiculous. I was taking 4 buses a day alone at age 11.

No you haven’t - some parents are so soft these days and crazily overprotective. I don’t think it does children any good to be mollycoddled until an older age. They need to get independent age appropriately and learn how to do things for themselves.

We can’t live our lives terrified of the worst happening every time we go out. I actually think parents who do this sort of thing and don’t allow independence unless for a good reason are quite selfish. They’re putting themselves first and not the child

Yanbu as long as he's able to know which train to get on and what stop to get off there should be no problem.

Thats ridiculous. The chance of getting caught up in any violence is so vanishingly small.

You are of course not unreasonable but my DSDs Mum has me staying on the phone with DSD 13 when she gets on the bus until she gets to school (on the days her Mum isn't available) I've said it's ridiculous and I hate it but actually CBA with the arguement. I've raised it with DH and explained how I think this is actually detrimental to DSD but we are where we are.

No absolutely not unreasonable. Surely most kids get a train or bus to school each day on their own at that age?? Without all the extra contact you had as well.

I flew long haul to Florida at 13, all alone, 40-plus years ago, decades before mobile phones or any other instant communication, (to meet up with family friends for Disney) so no, YANBU.

I think it's an excellent idea to encourage 13 (and maybe even 11 or 12) year olds to make short, simple journeys on public transport independently. I rather suspect that in this case, if DSS even really told his mum he didn't like it, it was what he thought she wanted to hear. And I also suspect that this is really about his mum not liking DH, and if it wasn't this she would have found something else to complain about.

The recent one-off incident on a train is neither here nor there. It didn't happen because it was a train. Given the attacker's apparent mental state, it could just as well have happened in the tea and coffee aisle in Asda - in which case would be all be terrified to let our children go in the tea and coffee aisle in Asda? OK, I can understand that some people might be concerned about taking trains, or letting their children take trains, now - but they are being irrational, and this particular woman seems to almost like being irrational, especially if she can score points off her ex by doing so.

No you've done nothing wrong, it's pretty normal to trust a 13 year old on a train journey. I would travel to meet my friends an hour away at the metro centre and back from year 7. I could get a train and bus or two buses. I would also get the bus to school which was a 25 minutes bus ride away. Unfortunately this other mums fears will hold her child back.

From the age of 11 my friends and I used to get the bus into the city center to look around the shops. There were no mobile phones then (1950s) and our parents never worried about us. No wonder the so called Boomer generation has so much assurance and resillience in comparison with Gen Z.

Which he got at his friends house (where he said there were just going to be boys present which turned out to be untrue), and to where we had dropped him off and picked him up. Not sure what the relevance is?

This is a really good point re one of them being a trouble maker (I suspect it’s not a 13 year who’s been given a bit more independence!).

Anyway again-thankyou all for the sense check. We will speak to DSS when we see him and he will be getting the train again as and where it’s necessary. I do think it’s good for him as a learning experience and it will also be more convenient for him and for us at times. I guess when he is on our time we will do what we see as fit and safe and his Mum can make her own decisions for her time equally. And we will learn to ignore the unpleasantness of being accused of endangering a child, which wasn’t really a nice way to start the week tbh.

Absolutely FINE 🙂

Becoming independent and confident is so important at this age. It’s difficult if his mum has different ideas so maybe run it past her next time ( if you have the sort of relationship that would facilitate that with her ) You are obviously NBU.

I was just eleven when I started getting the public bus to and from school every day. I was allowed to go into the nearby town on the bus to meet a friend to go shopping at about twelve.

I see kids on the tubes or trains going to school or coming home who are the same age I was... Except they have the comfort of a mobile phone.

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. What a great opportunity for autonomy and independence!

Perfectly normal. The mother is ludicrously overprotective.

OK, it was ages ago, but dd 13 and a schoolfriend wanted to take a day trip to Calais, on their own, as ‘an adventure’ and to practise their French.
Admittedly the other mother and I did dither and agonise a lot before agreeing. They had to take a train into central London and a further train to Dover, where they were foot passengers on the ferry. And ditto in reverse on the return.

I won’t say I wasn’t on tenterhooks until they were safely back, and there were many exhortations of ‘Stay together! Make sure your passport and money are safe!’ etc. but they were fine.

When word got out at school, my name and that of the other mother were mud! One of the other mothers was so overprotective, her dd wasn’t even allowed to go shopping in town on her own on Saturdays.

Calais is a lot less safe nowadays though, sad to say.

I lived in central London growing up - to go to secondary school (from 1971) we had to walk a good half a mile to the bus stop, get on said bus when it came, then walk the other end, all from the age of 11. We got there and back every day - I got flashed at one day by a bloke in a mac at the bus stop - I just laughed at him and he slunk away. By the time I was 13 - well , that's another story for another day 😉

At the age of 13 , I cycled everywhere. When the family planned a 1-week summer holiday camping on a farm in the Yorkshire dales, I planned ( with parental approval) to cycle from Harrow to North Yorkshire on my own, sticking to minor roads and staying in pre-booked Youth Hostels for 5 nights on route. The accommodation, evening meals and packed lunches were all prepaid.
I continued to take parent-free holidays, and am thankful for my parents' approval in subsequent years.
My grandchildren are more protected than I ever was, and I am sorry that they don't have the freedom I enjoyed and through which I gained the benefit of self-confidence and independence.

I work by a well known shopping centre my kids often travel there by train and Tube
and have since age 11. They usually travel together but not always.

Also it’s be nervous when you do something new. His mum is ridiculous.

Not remotely unreasonable. 13! At 13 I was going out all day by train to the nearest city and no one blinked. I can't believe the world has come to this level of coddling.