Are Dh and I being unreasonable to have let my 13 year old DSS take a 9 minute train journey on Saturday evening, (6pm)?

[piscofrisco]

We have today been accused of endangering the child. He was dropped off at a shopping mall with his friend who was staying with us, to meet some other friends. He had down this before whilst at his Mothers. We suggested they take the train back as it’s actually quicker than us driving the round trip to pick them up and because it’s nice, we thought, for them to have a bit of independence.
As it was the first time he has been on a train without one of us we:
bought their tickets.
told them the time of the train and the platform.
reminded them where to get off (1 stop, a 9 minute journey).
called them half an hour before the train was due to leave.
spoke to them as they boarded the train.
picked them up at the station our end.

both boys were fine, quite happy on return and didn’t even comment on it.

this morning we have be told by their Mother that we endangered them and that our DSS was upset by being ‘made to take the train’

Have we done anything unreasonable
here?

I think that’s all age appropriate and I’ve been happy to let mine do similar trips at that age with less help.
Depending on where you are I might have avoided a Saturday evening for a first trip though and tbh the news has felt particularly grin recently and I can see why she might feel particularly anxious.

How was dss when he was picked up? And how is his mum usually?

I used to catch the train when I was the same age from our village "into town". In those days it was quicker and cheaper than the bus. There were only two platforms, one to town, the other side home from town.

YANBU in fact I think it was excellent parenting to support the child in becoming independent, so next time they won't need the supports and can manage alone. It's such an important feeling to do things alone and makes teens much more responsible. However I'm not surprised she over reacted given how many women are hysterical about their children and their safety. Some of the posts I read here about kids not being allowed do things are insane to me.

My 13 yr old DD took the underground on her own for the first time this year, and I was so excited and happy for her. Door to door on her own across a fair distance of city.

She brushed it off as " shut up daddy, it's normal", but I could tell she felt that wee bit of "more grown up" satisfaction :-)

Now her and some of her pals go further afield on the subway together, Now it is normal :-)

Kids can’t expect to be ferried about all the time.
Introducing them to public transport is sensible.

Are you very unsure of your parenting decisions? Why would you think you are unreasonable?

Is the issue that you didn't check with her first?

Endangering the child? If he’s allowed to meet up with a group of friends at a shopping mall in another town, it seems ludicrous for his Mum to have the vapours over a 9 minute train journey back with a friend, when they’re being met at the station the other end. Are you able to get your dss’s take on the matter? It seems unlikely that such an everyday journey would have ‘upset’ a 13 year old. It’s not as though you packed him and his friend off on the Trans-Siberian Express!

My husbands aunt was catching buses and the Tube across London aged 9, on her own. I was regularly going into the centre of Birmingham on my own at 13, to meet friends there.

Before anyone says " It was less dangerous then", it really wasn't.

Mine would have bought their own ticket, worked out which train to get and where from and known where to get off. I wouldn’t have called/text either tbh.

My 13 y/o has been taking public transport in London since he was 11.

Both my kids got rush hour trains to school from the age of 11. I must be the most reckless parent out there by this measure!

She's being completely unreasonable and a bit bonkers actually.

They learned a valuable life skill. What is she on about?!

Good lord. I was getting the train from just outside London to Cornwall from younger than that, pre-mobile phones or any sort of tracking. No one batted an eyelid.

I suspect it is this. And I think depends on what the co parenting relationship is like.

because of course it is fine and I imagine given his friend was there you checked in with his parents as well (or he did). Giving children incremental and increased responsibility on the way to adulthood is what parenting a teenager is all about. DD at 16 can now get to and from the O2 arena for concerts and handle the tube at night because of that.

but it is arguably a joint parenting decision or at least one that the other parent needs informing of.

how do big decisions normally get made between them?

My dc had to take 2 buses and walk through the city centre each way to get to school from age 11/12. We took them once and after that they were on their own. Ds once got on the bus going the wrong way on his way home but figured it out very quickly and got off and looked for a bus stop in the other direction. He had a phone but just told me when he got home, very matter of fact!

Wow; she must have a serious alternative agenda.

Of course not - our children have caught the train to school since age 11. OK we walk them up to the station and they are walking with others to the school once they arrive, but still.

but it is arguably a joint parenting decision or at least one that the other parent needs informing of.
how do big decisions normally get made between them?

A 13yo taking a short train journey is not a 'big decision', nor one that needs checking with the friend's parents. It's something I'd assume most young people would have been doing since they were 11-12.

And it was 6pm, not pub chucking out time - loads of people and families on their way home from work, the shops, days out.

Before anyone says " It was less dangerous then", it really wasn't..

No - when my mother was travelling around London and further afield aged 14, it was wartime!

Yeah at 13 I wouldn’t, but I live in Manchester and a lot happens here. I’d guess on the area maybe

When I was 10 my parents happily put me on a train at Euston to visit my big sister in Lancaster. All I can remember is them telling a lady sitting nearby where I needed to get off in case I was asleep! This was in 1971 and seemed a normal thing to do then. Not sure how I'd feel about it as a parent in 2025.

Please don't feel you've done anything wrong! Sounds like you're doing a great job teaching your son to be independent and get his head around using public transport. My son's been taking the bus and train to the nearest grammar since he was 11 (he's 13 now). He's more than able to plan his own multi stage journeys independently now using Google maps and he's definitely a lot more grown up and mature as a result. We do have Family Link installed on all our phones for peace of mind as it allows us to track his location which is handy when he's running late etc.

My daughter flew to Bangladesh on her own from the UK at 14. They are being ridiculous. All my kids have come home from school on bus / train from 11. Friend’s 11yr old get’s 3 buses across London to school every day (and 3 back).

A 9 minute journey is fine. 5 hours with changes might be less fine. They have to start somewhere

I do realise and I personally think I wouldn’t take issue with a 13 year old travelling. Lots of kids that age travel alone near me. I was just saying that’s why she might be concerned.

I had been considering letting my own child travel on train alone recently ( younger than OP’s) and this incident has changed my mind. Although it’s the stabbing that made me reconsider- Its not so much a stab incident that I’m worried about. More, would he know what to do in an emergency more generally.

That is ridiculous! My 12 year old often takes the train by herself (goes to a school out of area). Obviously we built up to it and did the same things you did re ticket, directions etc.

And he wasn't even alone.

No. It’s hasn’t actually happened yet but we’ve had conversations with ds12 about getting the train by himself for a much longer journey. With a friend is safer

that all said, I probably would have mentioned to the mother that that was the plan and was she ok about it. I still think it’s fine though presuming both kids were happy