Are Dh and I being unreasonable to have let my 13 year old DSS take a 9 minute train journey on Saturday evening, (6pm)?

[piscofrisco]

We have today been accused of endangering the child. He was dropped off at a shopping mall with his friend who was staying with us, to meet some other friends. He had down this before whilst at his Mothers. We suggested they take the train back as it’s actually quicker than us driving the round trip to pick them up and because it’s nice, we thought, for them to have a bit of independence.
As it was the first time he has been on a train without one of us we:
bought their tickets.
told them the time of the train and the platform.
reminded them where to get off (1 stop, a 9 minute journey).
called them half an hour before the train was due to leave.
spoke to them as they boarded the train.
picked them up at the station our end.

both boys were fine, quite happy on return and didn’t even comment on it.

this morning we have be told by their Mother that we endangered them and that our DSS was upset by being ‘made to take the train’

Have we done anything unreasonable
here?

My 13 yr old is allowed to take longer train journeys than that.

At 14 mine got a plane by themselves so I think a 9-minute train ride probably isn’t a big deal.

@Hankunamatatathe friends parents were fine with it. The friend is closer to 14 and sensible. DH has known him since he was little. No issue there

I take the point re recent horrible events on trains increasing anxiety and that did happen quite near here, though not on the train DSS took. That said, the attacker allegedly attacked someone else the evening before, about 25 mins from where the boys’ Mum lives. She is still happily letting DSS and his younger brother walk to school, and hang out with his friends at the local Maccies on his own etc. So to me the risk and the local nature of it seem comparible-and clearly she is no more endangering him in letting him do these things than we are. DH has responded with this to be told ‘the risk is greater on the train’-which demonstrably and statistically it is very much not, at this point.
As someone who was caught up in the London terror attack and who then got back on the tube as soon as it reopened my view is that you cam’t legislate for these things-you have to live your life-and fortunately they are still vanishingly rare.

Did you seriously have to buy their tickets, direct them to the platform and tell them the stop to get off?

She's just looking for a reason to have a go. Over the summer I have called home from work to tell 12yo DS (who was at home gaming in his pjs) to get his arse in gear, shower and catch a train 45 minutes into town and I'd pick him up at Charing Cross station at 6pm so we could go for dinner after work. Totally fine.

From 12 year old I’d expect the child to be glad of a bit of independence

Blimey other parent being ridiculous. I got the train to school aged 8 and by 13 was getting the train to man city away games in London. You are not being unreasonable

You know you havent and you know you dont even need to ask this question.

You dont need validation from strangers to complain about your husbands ex and no need to start a thread about it to say how unreasonable she is.

Absolutely not unreasonable. DS is in Y7 and takes the train to school every day. We did a trial run in the holidays and took him to the station on the first day. He has done it every day since coping with delays, trains terminating early and getting the next one and a full line closure when he had to walk to a bus stop and get a bus to the next town to connect to a train home (ok I may have sent him a WhatsApp showing where to go)
He has really grown in confidence since doing this.

I've been on loads of train journeys where great flocks of kids get on the train to go to school. A 13 year old should be able to cope with that sort of thing!

13?
no he is fine and he should be able to make one train stop.

the only thing is darkness. You might not want to leave these age boys outside if completely dark. The atmosphere change fast then. Apart of that…I am happy he had a great time! Great first trial for the summer coming!

Mine went by Tube into central London from aged 12 and loved the imdependence.

I am glad others have observed that you were doing nothing wrong, indeed being positive in helping learn a valuable part of growing up.

Indeed choosing the safer option, as however good a driver you are, there are plenty who are unfit to hold a licence but have one, who could have crashed into you.

A kid stabs another kid every year or so in my (not very large, not very poor) town. Meanwhile train stabbings are super-rare. He's far more likely to be attacked by someone from his school walking around than he is by a stranger on public transport!

I’m sorry but that’s a weird attitude. Why not just never let your child out of the house in case there is a stabbing on the street.

My 11 year old gets the train to school every day. It’s totally fine at 13.

You’re teaching DSS life skills, he was well supported and wasn’t alone.

Was it a pissed up party train or kick out time of a football match? If not fine, if one of those I would think twice.

How do they think teens in the city get to school/about??

No yanbu and at 13 this is a good bit of independence. My 11yo can get bus tram bus an hour home from school when not on school bus.

My 11 and 15yo went an hour and 20mins on train from my city where I out them on the train to the coast where they met grandparents. They loved it.

I'm surprised your 13yo dss isn't champing at the but for more independence.

I'm surprised your 13yo dss isn't champing at the but for more independence.

Seemingly he came home with a love bite a couple of weeks ago so he is certainly getting out and about....

I got the train to school at 11. It was 4 stops . Absolutely no problem.

It sounds like you need to be encouraging him to be more independent and not less. He was with a friend ffs and a lot of helicoptering parenting was going on. A parents job is to encourage more and more separation as the child ages and teach them to be independent. Otherwise what happens at 18 if they move out to uni?

Given that his mother sounds like hard work and puts words into his mouth I would be encouraging independence and confidence building as much as possible and would be looking at other ideas for this

My son when just 12 used to get the train back from his state boarding school in Redhill to Twickenham on train including changes - he was very independent as a teen generally