Are Dh and I being unreasonable to have let my 13 year old DSS take a 9 minute train journey on Saturday evening, (6pm)?

[piscofrisco]

We have today been accused of endangering the child. He was dropped off at a shopping mall with his friend who was staying with us, to meet some other friends. He had down this before whilst at his Mothers. We suggested they take the train back as it’s actually quicker than us driving the round trip to pick them up and because it’s nice, we thought, for them to have a bit of independence.
As it was the first time he has been on a train without one of us we:
bought their tickets.
told them the time of the train and the platform.
reminded them where to get off (1 stop, a 9 minute journey).
called them half an hour before the train was due to leave.
spoke to them as they boarded the train.
picked them up at the station our end.

both boys were fine, quite happy on return and didn’t even comment on it.

this morning we have be told by their Mother that we endangered them and that our DSS was upset by being ‘made to take the train’

Have we done anything unreasonable
here?

At 13 my daughter attended dance school in another city on Saturday mornings. Occasionally, so she could go shopping with friends in the afternoon she would get the train from Chester. change at Crewe & we would meet her at Stoke. An hour long journey.

your husband is entitled to parent his child as he sees fit whilst in his care. That includes fostering independence.

This is do weird, yesterday everyone was up in arms about a 12 year old going to a pub on a Sunday arvo but here everyone is happy to send a 13 year old on a train Saturday night?I have put unreasonable because if someone put my 13 year old on a train without me knowing I'd be cross,it's something you want to talk them through,do with them first surely.finecto donut but something you want them to be prepared for if they don't do trains.i guess it all depends on the kids confidence in trains,or pubs.if they never go on a train it's different from if they use trains all the time.

No.

That’s it, no further explanation needed.

Why assume his father and stepmother are incapable of prepping him? Why assume he hasn’t used trains a million times?

How many knife attacks on trains have there been in the UK in the last ten years? How many children have been hurt crossing UK roads in the last ten years? Which is safest, UK trains or UK roads?

Blimey, it's 9 minutes on a train, and they're 13. Not 5 hours across country for a 5 year old.

You did nothing wrong @piscofrisco

13?! How ridiculous - they are secondary school
age!! The mother has a worrying issue.

But, and I they aren't obviously, children could be stabbed anywhere. You can't ban them from doing or going anywhere.

@piscofrisco I think several pages in, we have established that this isn't about two teenagers taking a 9 minute train journey and it's just something the mum has seen an opportunity to be a twat to her ex about.

DSS will not be "upset". That'll be mum again, adding what she likes to suit her narrative, confident that her son won't challenge the fact she's pretty much made that up. Most teen boys would revel in the freedom and more independent thing to do.

At the age of 10, a friend of mine took himself and his 4 year old sister across Paris to meet their aunty (by arrangement). They didn't speak any French. They arrived safe and sound. Nobody died 😀

I live in Manchester too, what makes it different?

It is perfectly reasonable for a 13-year old to use public transport without an adult but I would have told the other parent that that was what I planned for their DC.

Saturday night?

It was 6pm! By what definition is that 'night'?

For much of the year it's broad daylight at 6pm! (Of course I know a large number of Mumsnetters don't stir out of doors when it's dark.)

As I’ve said in lots of replies - I’m saying this might be why she is worried. I don’t necessarily agree, but I can understand.

She might also be a nutcase.

i know i regret writing this reply

No. Mine at his age were getting trains too Lancashire from London. 2.5 hours and 4 stops!

Nope. My 12 year old gets train to and from school most days, similar length journey. With after school activities most days it’s getting on for 6 before he gets the train home.

Earlier in the year, during the holidays he also got a train home from his grandad’s in Cumbria, back to our home in North Yorkshire, which necessitated a change in Leeds, a big and busy train station station. I was a bit anxious, but was available to call on phone in case he needed any help. He managed it fine!

It’s good for children to gain independence!

FFS. DD was taking the train daily in Yr 5 when at her dads (15min journey).

This is absolutely fine!
DSS is 13 not 3. Independence needs to be encouraged.
His mother is just looking to pick a fight imo.

If it’s connected with the recent, highly-publicised, knife attack, how does his DM think that you being there would make any difference?
Seeing as it sounds like she thinks you can’t organise a simple journey (which you clearly can), why does she believe you would be able to protect him against anything untoward happening?

Maybe 6pm being dark at this time of year is what was concerning her? That said, it will be dark at 4pm next month and children will still be travelling home from school on trains.

I mean, I wouldnt advise a 13 year old to get a tram on the Ethiad line at 5pm on a Saturday home game day but otherwise I can’t see anything different about Manchester.

I think there is the added complication that he had a friend with him.
Was the friends mum ok with him getting the train.

At 13??? It’s fine, mine took buses into the evening at that age

DSS (and friend) were perfectly fine on the train and happy as Larry when they got back, in fact they were buzzing really at having had a nice afternoon out with their pals. DSS spoke to his mum last night and he apparently told her he had felt ‘a bit unsure’ on the train-but I strongly suspect that if he did say that, it was a suggestion she put to him, and he will never ever contradict her-that’s just the way it is. Nothing happened on the train and I can only speak as I found-he was happy when we picked him up.
We get emails like this fairly frequently. And usually we can just ignore them but this hit a bit different today for some reason and it’s really got to me. I do a lot for those boys and in fact DH and I (and my dd1-now an adult but still) have all recently moved 56 miles to be nearer the boys. Their Mum moved them 3 years ago to live with her boyfriend and we have been doing 2.45 hour round trip school runs all that time. We have only now been in a position to move nearer to them but it’s been a wrench leaving everything we know and both dh and I now have extremely long commutes to contend with-perhaps that’s why I’m so upset about todays missive-it feels like a lot after we have clearly just moved our whole lives here-somewhere we would never have otherwise chosen. And in fact she has emailed this evening criticising us for still living ‘far away’ from the boys-it’s a 20 min drive now, or indeed a 9 min train journey-instead of an hour and twenty-and tbh whilst we wanted to be nearer the boys we also wanted to keep a bit of space between her and us-didn’t want to be using the same supermarkets etc and have to bump into her, as she is very high conflict.
Thankyou for the sense check. I know we haven’t done anything wrong but for some reason we’ve been questioning ourselves today and it’s just all felt a bit awful.

I flew as an unaccompanied minor aged 12. It's OK I think.

For goodness sake.

My DS13 was on the train from East Croydon to Portsmouth at 11 on his own. And as soon as he was 12 and could go on the ferry to the IOW to see GOs on his own, he did.

He is still alive.