To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

YABU because all families are different.

What will work for some, won't work for others and vice versa.

OP would you be happy to be the parent that just has overnights eow ? Would you be happy for your DH to be the main carer and for your children to spend most of their time living in his home ?

The voices of children who grow up having experienced these arrangements are important. My question for you is how much do you think was related to the schedule and how much to your parents not cooperating well? Arguments over money and making children pack bags beyond a few extraordinary items are bad signs regardless of schedule.

YABU - what's the alternative? If you and DH split would you be happy with only seeing your kids every other weekend and paying a hefty chunk of CM? No? So, why should Dad's accept that?

As for your dinner money, the parent who received Child Benefit for you should be using that for things like your dinner money.

I've never done it. I think ideally the best split would be 4 days then 3 days roatated each week. I think when 2 parents have split up things aren't ideal though. It depends on many things. As long as the child is happy that's the main thing.

YABU because like all separation arrangements, there are good and bad versions of 50/50. And the difference between good and bad is usually the parents failing to communicate effectively or individuals behaving terribly.

A lot of the problems you raise would have also been problems in an Every Other Weekend arrangement. Your problem was your father's failure to meet his responsibilities and your parents' difficulties effectively co-parenting. Those aren't intrinsic to a 50/50 split.

I think its insane that you're "begging your partner" that you're supposedly happy with for a hypothetical custody arrangement.

Basically you don't like your dad. Fine. But it's a massive overreaction imo to go naval gazing about it now.

If it happens to you, you'll do your best. Spend your energy elsewhere. As a parent you need to focus your energy on the light and not the dark. It's hard enough raising a child without examining your childhood issues.

I understand your issues. I am divorced and DD used to spend EOW and every Wed, every Friday night round her dads. It was a ballache for me and for her. Her Dad couldn't keep organised so she rarely brought all her school stuff home on a Saturday or Sunday evening so we'd have to go back looking for schools shoes or PE kit. She was always dragging her dad bag around. We tried to make sure all fun plans happened on the weekend she was home with me so she didn't miss stuff but things like Xmas were hard for her - being dragged from pillar to post. Hew slowly dropped the weekday contacts and finally got a house without internet or phone signal (I have no idea how he copes) that she now won't sleep at until he gets internet so the upheaval reduced as his contact time got less.

She's nearly 15 now and for the last 18 months her Dad has gradually withdrawn from having any contact (cancelling last minute, not arranging stuff, not sorting the internet, refusing to cook food she likes) and she's not seen him at all since early September. He hasn't asked and whilst she's a bit sad he doesn't seem to want to she is also relieved she doesn't have to cope with the upheaval of shuffling off to a different house EOW.

I am sure two really well cooperating on the ball parents could do it better than we managed to.

I agree - better for the parents as they see their children more, but what a nightmare for the children, never settled anywhere.

It can’t really be avoided in the case of divorce if both parents want a relationship with their children, but if an adult was forced to live across two homes changing location every few days at the will of someone else, it would probably be considered psychological torture.

I have no idea what the solution is however.

I grew up with divorced parents and I never felt I belonged anywhere, a temporary resident in both homes, traipsing about with my little hold-all of belongings.

I totally agree OP. Men often only ask for 50/50 because the don't want to pay child support and will then offload child care to anyone available and never pull their weight while the children suffer. My ex did not look after DS enough that the family courts took all visitation rights away from him. We had a much better life after that.
He then pissed off abroad to avoid paying CMS, never sent birthday or Christmas cards or gifts and spends his life whining that I ruined their relationship. Pathetic.

You can do 50/50 without a 2/2/3 schedule. I do think that is brutal for a child.

I'm sorry you had a hard time.
It's not like that for everyone though. My DH and his ex managed to co parent amicably.
Kids did 2,2,3 at primary school and every other week at high school.
We had duplicates of stuff so that it was easier to live in 2 places

Why was it her father’s fault? What makes you so sure it wasn’t the mother laying the blame on her father for not wanting to pay maintenance when it could just as easily been that the father didn’t want to relinquish care of his child?
It sounds to me like the Op was exposed to far too much conflict between her parents, and for that both parents should take responsibility.

As others point out, would you be prepared to sacrifice your 50% time with your children?? If not then you are being very unreasonable.
How you feel is understandable given your background but I don’t think your problems were specifically because of the 50/50 arrangement. Many of the issues would be true however often you saw each parent. The problem is in how each parent managed the time you had with them.

But also - would you be happy being the child having to change where they’re staying every few days.

And its not just the building either is it - it’s having the right belongings with you, it’s having different rules in different houses, possibly different parents partners and children (on their own schedules), different travel to your clubs or school etc etc.

Never ending disruption.

I'd like to see the child maintenance rules change because at the moment a lot of fairly uninvolved dads suddenly decide they want 50/50 when they realise it gets them out of paying maintenance

@MidnightPatrol I agree - better for the parents as they see their children more, but what a nightmare for the children, never settled anywhere

This sums it up. This is a fairly regular topic on MN. Parents saying it's working well. Adult children saying they always hated it

Sounds as if you’re set up wasn’t done with your well-being in mind it was done so your dad didn’t have to pay. I’m sure your mother would have much preferred you to be with living with her 100% of the time, but if the courts decided it should be 50/50, or if she knew your dad would kick off, she probably didn’t have much choice.
I think each case needs to be done on its own merit and the well-being of the child is tantamount to the decision being made. You’re clearly not being unreasonable as it didn’t work for you. It would be unreasonable to assume it stinks for all children though. Sorry your dad didn’t put your interests before his wallet, that well and truly sucks.

YABU. I was 4 when my parents separated and only got to stay with my Mum every other weekend, plus she would pick me up from school once a week. It was awful, utterly awful.

My ex and I have genuinely tried the best for our children - Weds to Sun morn with me, then with him Sun, Mon and Tues nights. Live 5 minutes apart and made every effort to ensure that they have what they need when they need it, without them having to think about it. Of course it’s not perfect. But it is the absolute best we could have done for them, and they have a loving and close relationship with both of us.

Men often only ask for 50/50 because the don't want to pay child support
or
Women don’t want 50/50 because they want their ex to pay child support.
The blanket statement that fathers will do anything to avoid paying maintenance is so outdated to be ridiculous. Yes, some will but some mothers will also do the opposite.

Just because you hated it, doesn't mean it is wrong for every child.
Also.
Just because a child doesn't doesn't like it, it doesn't mean that their entire existence is dominated by it. Doesnt mean they will end up traumatised. It could be a minor irritant.. or a more medium irritant but ultimately, weighing out all the options, this is still whats best for everyone, in some circumstances.
Plenty of people out there whose dad's did one night in the week and every other weekend and they dont have a proper parent relationship with that parent because they didnt do any actual parenting, and their mum continued to bear the brunt of the physical, emotional, financial weight of their upbringing.

I've always thought that a child should have one primary home. Of course spend time with the other parent, but having one primary seems so much more settled for the child.

There are so many stories where the child is always being shunted around, I don't understand how they can feel settled anywhere, as they are always getting ready to pack their suitcase and leave again.

I'm sure there are plenty of examples of 50/50 working, but I believe that having this as the starting point is only taking the parents wants into account, and not the child's needs.

2/2/3 does indeed sound very stressful. However, not all 50:50 arrangements need to be so disruptive.

I agree that some people have said theyve hated it, but just wanted to say ive also seen adult children say they loved it too, and some saying it was mildly annoying but it ultimately hasnt traumatised them for life.